| A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: i have noticed my husband of 14 years is watching porn and it`s making me feel inadaquate and that he`s not satified with me he is 50 and i`m 48. is he turning into a pervert i`m worried
View related questions:
porn Reply to this Question |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Fade878  +, writes (5 November 2007):
 I don't know about anyone else, but I want my parents to be loving, honest, fair, respectful to one another, and I want them and expect them to put the other first, and not their selfish needs. I want my parents to uphold their marriage vows. Forsaking anyone else also includes pornography.I love and honor my parents by living what they taught me by precept, principle, and example.My Dad has said time and again it is a weak man that gives into a lower, animal based desire and indulge in a practice that does not uphold marritial vows, and does not honor a wife. He said a man may be a man but this gives them no excuse to do whatever they want and say they can't help it. They can. They make the choice to not do it, then excercise self restraint, self control, and avoid it at all costs.So many women and some men now say that pornography destroys their faith, trust, and love in their spouse. That is creats more heartache, confusion, sorrow, and inadequacy and questions their self worth and importance to their spouse. This in no way reflects that porn is a vice that does not teach men and women to uphold their love and commitments to their partners.No man or woman should use or rely on any device, tool, other person(s) to give them pleasure than that of their spouse.Physical intimacy when used as it was intended, keeps families together, keeps marriages solid, keeps friendships and trust strong, and causes no unnecessary pain.Loving your parnter means to not do those things that cause them harm be it mental, physical, spiritual.I think your husband has become addicted and should seek counselling to get back his perspective on the importance of his marriage and his priorities.Porn should not take the place of a spouse. Porn should not take place of a family. Porn should not take away a husband's or wife's responsibility to their marriage and family.I feel for you.
A
female
reader, Emmajane  +, writes (5 November 2007):
 you should encourage him to share the porn with you. True, some girls are not turned on by porn and some think (wrongly) the guy is comparing you to the girls on the videos. None of this is so, it's the way a guy's brain works and it's fine.I totally disagree that porn is "Wrecking marriages" as claimed by someone on anothjer thread. What's wrecking them is narrow-minded women (mainly) who see porn as the cause of their problems, rather than part of the answer to it.Since the legalisation of porn in the UK the criminals have been largely driven out of the business and it's run by sensible, health-conscious adults. Making porn illegal simply places it back in the hands of the underworld who will exploit people and ... well let's not go there.Porn is part of sex. People have been watching sexual activity since history began and it only becomes unhealthy when one party has to so it furtively.
...............................
A
female
reader, Irish49 + ♥, writes (14 October 2007):
 You will get a long list of people coming on here, dealing with the porn phenomenon and espousing excuses as to why they do it, rather than attempting to enhance and work at their own marriage relationships and find out "why' it's in the crapper. So many lack the courage and 'balls' to face up to the problems and turn to porn, downgrading their marriage relationship, even more. What a horroible cycle to get up in. So, dear poster, it's your choice as to what you want to believe. But I believe, that if you really feel your husband is showing and displaying a compulsion about pornography and sex, and not working on this marriage with you, then go get some counsel from a marriage therapist who specializes in porn addictions. Another site I recommend you visit: www.sanon.org. It's worth a look.
...............................
A
female
reader, Irish49 + ♥, writes (14 October 2007):
Karlos, unless the poster wants to write back and affirm exactly what is going on in their bedroom, I found the words that "her husband's use of porn's making her feel inadaquate and that he`s not satisfied with her" to mean that she is upset because he prefers porn over making love to her. Does this not state that she is a willing and sexually complying wife? Why are you assuming that they don't have sexual relations, thus making it 'ok' to bring pornography into a seriously committed relationship as their marriage? From what she wrote, it appeared to me, her husband is neglecting her sexually, to act out compulsive behaviors with images of porn, thus the 'pervert' comment in her posting. She needs to confront/talk/discuss this with her husband and tell him how it makes her feel. She needs to know though, this is not about her sexuality or lack of lovability--that this is his choice, his problem. And why is it a problem..because it is undermining their marriage. Karlos, when a married man is diverting into pornography and he has a wonderful, warm body waiting for him in his bed, I would think the man has a problem that he's mismanaging.
...............................
A
male
reader, Karlos Omnis +, writes (14 October 2007):
 I feel I have to contradict Irish's comments, and I have to make the suggestion that they may be blood on both hands.
I myself use porn, after never having the desire for it prior to the relationship I'm in at the moment; my girlfriend doesn't like sex as much as she should (once a month at very best), so instead of leaving her, I go for a "compromise".
What would hurt her more? Leaving people isn't always the answer to everything, if you sit down and talk about it (outside of marriage counselling, as studies show that you lose the ability of discussing alone if you have that avenue to turn to) i'm sure the root will present itself.
Are you still as loving as you used to be, do you still make the same fuss over him that you used to?
There won't be a sudden reason for him to do this, and in my opinion he could be doing worse things. I'm not saying that he's without blame, he could show maturity by discussing it with you first hand, but in life we always opt for the choice that we feel makes things easier, so instead of making you feel awkward, he's found a happy medium.
...............................
A
male
reader, Tommy7  +, writes (14 October 2007):
He may be addicted and in need of professional help.
...............................
A
male
reader, martini +, writes (14 October 2007):
 Sorry, I didn't address the issue I just realized.
It's quite simple, you have to get it across to him that for him to watch porn, it can be disrespectful towards your feelings. It may work for some couples, but it obviously doesn't work in yours. You can tell him that if he continues this, it will ultimately end the relationship in a bad slate. That, or you learn to accept it.
Irish's advice on the support group is great too.
...............................
A
male
reader, martini +, writes (14 October 2007):
I think being a pervert is a given for a lot of men at that age, even without porn. Take my dad for example... Hmmm... No, I rather not think about that. Take my friend's dad for example, he's 56, and his wife is 53. He doesn't look at porn at all, well with the occasional email from friends with some sexy joke, but he's a total horndog with his wife. Can't hide the glint in his eye and the naughty grins, and the way he looks at his wife's ass when she moves around that apartment.
Hmm, now that got me thinking. Damn!
...............................
A
female
reader, Irish49 + ♥, writes (14 October 2007):
The problem is not you, it's him and his weaknesses. As is the case with any compulsive porn use, it is imperative that the he “owns” up to this problem that is causing you pain.. He is in control of his own behaviours, thoughts and choices in life. Even if one's marriage is one that is wrought with other unspoken problems – problems that make intimacy difficult -that's still not an excuse to use porn. For one thing, porn never satisfies. It may give the illusion that it satisfies, but the reality is that it never satisfies the need that is at the root of the pornography use problem. It only sparks the desire for more of the same. Second, by doing so, the husband does little more than to show exactly how weak he is. A life of moral good and love of family requires far more diligence and strength than does a life of indiscretion, which he has chosen.
Is there hope for your marriage? Yes.. but first- your husband must "grasp the reality" that his actions are destructive to you and toward the marriage in general. You need to understand that one reason wives tolerate this crap- is because many women have this mentality that "it must be me' syndrome of dealing with a loved one's inappropriate behaviour. What happens is these so many women gain an identity by constantly convincing themselves they 'need to be attached' to such a man, when in fact she doesn't. I hope this isn't you, hun. How you deal with his crap will come down to your sense of self-worth and the value you place on yourself. I think you both need serious marriage counselling. If he refuses to get help-walk out and leave before he drags you down into the hell he's gotten himself into. And please find a support group you can get involved with. You will need to heal from this horrible experience. Good luck and god bless
...............................
A
female
reader, L.O.S.E.R.  +, writes (14 October 2007):
 Well I think it's kinda natural for him to do it in that age,he isn't getting any younger so probably you should be happy he's just watching young girls online instead of chasing them (argh,mid-life crisis).If he keeps doing that you could maybe have a conversation with him about that but I can't really give you any "advice" advice on this.My cousin solves that problem with her husband (52) by pretending she doesn't see him doing that but cause you feel bad about it might be you should react...I personally find porn sick cause what's the deal in watching two or more people f***ing but almost no one shares my opinion so I guess it's normal...Sorry if I didn't help.Good luck
...............................
|
