A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:hiI've been seeing my commitment phobic bf for almost 16 months, we get on really well, there's great chemistry and we both feel very comfortable with each other.The problem is that although we're both in our 40's, we rarely get the chance to go to bed together because our jobs clash most of the time. This is stopping us from sleeping together much and also my 17 yr old son is often around so when he visits me, it's hard to disappear upstairs and also he won't consider just going to bed with me cos he feels like he'd be using me.We usually see each other about 3 times a week. I can't really go to his house either cos before we met he moved back in with his parents after his last relationship ended and he doesn't want to tell them about us.For me this is really hard to deal with but I love him and he says he loves me too. He's definitely very fond of me because we speak every day on the phone or skype when we arent seeing each other.In addition to this, he's a very highly sexed person and likes the idea of voyerism. He wants to watch me have sex with another man and possibly another couple while he watches, he's got no interest in taking part, just watching. I'm very open minded and would try this if our sex life was good, but i've been keeping track of things since March and we've only had sex about 12 times since then! It seems to me that there's no compromise, it's all going his way as I'd like more sex, his family to know I exist for certain (they have an idea there's someone) and to meet his family. I don't feel I can fulfill his fantasy while my feelings aren't being considered, and I'm not sure talking will change anything either. Sometimes my stomach flips between the pain of hurt and butterflies of love for him because I don't feel our relationship is moving forward. Otherwise, when i'm with him i feel extremely happy!Is he stringing me along? or should i sit it out and wait to see what develops over time?
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female
reader, Mariab +, writes (15 November 2011):
 Hunny... do not sit and wait to see what will happen with this one. 16 months is MORE THAT ENOUGH time to make up his mind of what he wants. Its also at least 6 months too late to be still hiding from his parents. Also the drop in sex since March is a story on its own! I would calculate this at at 1.5 times per month! Seriously... he either turns himself into a NON-COMMITMMENT phobic or he finds someone who can accept these meagre terms.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (15 November 2011):
 Those butterflies could give you a bad indigestion.
I can't think of a reason why the parents of a guy in his 40s should not KNOW ( not guess ) he has a girlfriend and also not know be introduced to that girlfriend in person after 16 monts- so all I can think is, he does not think of you as his girlfriend .
The voyeurism thing would not be an evil per se, some people have quirks and fantasies and try to spice up their relationship- but it worries me the way you see it. It sounds like you have no interest or enthusiasm for this kind of thing , BUT you would do it as a "reward " if he makes you official. Uhm. First, IMO, you should do this stuff because it turns YOU on and not because if you accept he'll be happier and stick around longer, second, maybe he has guessed that you feel this way and stays around just so you can make his fantasy come true , i.e. he is "grooming " you.
Anyway it does not seem your libidos are matched. It's true that if each of you live with relatives it takes some ingenuity to find time ( and place ) for sex, but it's also true that where there 's a will there is a way and a sufficient desire would find that way.
Conclusion : don't walk, run.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (15 November 2011):
 Don't trade desperation and loneliness for a bad (very bad)relationship.
Seriously the guy isn't worth your time and the other aunts are correct, the family thing and the voyerism thing are MASSIVE red flags.
You need to focus on what YOU want and need, NOT what you can uncomfortably do for someone else at your own emotional expense, just so they stay with you...it's seriously not worth the pain and worry that you are going through...and it will only get worse.
GET OUT NOW, move on, recover, learn and find someone who cares about YOU and is proud to be with you and make love to you...not keep you as a guilty secret and exploit your sexual needs.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2011): If he is as highly sexed as you say then he would find a way to sleep with you...a weekend away, hotel, even a tent or car...thats passion
The fact he wants you to perform with somebody else as he watches shouts out problems.
Add to that you haven't met his family - like it or not, he is not treating you as a girlfriend,he's almost playing you, grooming you, for his own ends.
Dump him fast and go find a man who treats you as you should be treated. x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2011): I can't believe you even have to ask this question here. you need to dump this guy- he has serious issues with sex. not acknowledging you to his family is also a major red flag.
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