A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi everybody! Basically I was with my boyfriend for 3 years and 9 months. Most of those years were amazing, but we got to the point where we spent every second together, neither of us went out or kept in touch with friends, if one of us did then the other would be bitter because they were alone. The relationship wasn't always like this, we just ended up in our own bubble and shut everybody out and then we needed those people they weren't there. It resulted in us bickering a lot and then the sex stopped. In the end I walked away. Not because I didn't care but because I didn't see it changing if we didn't break the cycle. I left 4 months ago and neither of us spoke a word to each other, Christmas was tough. We recently spoke and met up for the first time. As soon as I saw him every feeling I had for him came flooding back. We both agreed we could see what we were doing wrong, we agreed we don't want to lose our social lives we've now developed or miss out on any more times with friends. We don't want to spend every second with each other and we both see how we could make the relationship good and loving again. I told him I love him and missed him and he said he loved me and missed me sometimes as well. However I feel like deep down this is not what he wants or he's trying to protect himself from getting hurt. It took him a while to say that he did still love me, and I had to ask. He didn't say it when I told him I loved him. When he was with me though he kept kissing and cuddling me, pulling the cute silly faces he always used to at me and then when it was time to go I couldn't get him to leave. I kept saying 'I'm going now' and he kept talking and kissing me. I literally had to force him away as we both had work the next day. We met up again and it was exactly the same. We ended up having sex and spending the night cuddling together. I feel like I'm being a lot more open about my feelings and I told him I wanted to try again at the relationship. Not jump straight back into the relationship but maybe date and spend time together. I asked him if he wanted to and his reply was ' I don't want to make you any promises, I'm not sure' then when I asked a few days later he said 'il take you out and we'll see how it goes' Do you think he's just been guarded as I walked away from him or do you think he doesn't want to salvage the relationship? I don't know what to think as his actions are different to his words. Especially as on our break he's recieved a lot of female attention and basically taken full advantage of a young single guy life.
View related questions:
christmas, kissing Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice  + ♥, writes (26 February 2014):
 It doesn't look good to me.
You asked very specific questions and I will answer them but there is more to this than why he is holding back. Here is what has happened in order and hopefully this will help you understand why he is doing the crazy things he is doing.
The relationship became unhealthy. There was a level of co dependence. There was jealousy and resentment. I'm not sure who was at fault at this point my best guess is that you wore both being equally hurtful to each other. The situation got so bad that you were unable to share sex together.
You walked away. in your mind it was a responsible decision to break a destructive cycle with a goal of repairing the relationship. In his mind it was not that at all. I can't figure out what you told him but for 4 months he didn't try to reconnect with you he went free. He acted like a dumped boyfriend acts. Now it could be that you both were the victims of well intentioned but bad advice. Someone may have mistakenly told you that no contact was a method to fix a boyfriend. Someone may have told him that happiness comes from promiscuous living. That is beside the point. The point is that over the past 4 months you have headed in differing directions with the result of arriving in different places. You had a solid goal to survive Christmas alone, which you did. You also planned to be reunited for valentines which you tried. You have had your prescribed break and are ready to try again. He on the other hand has decided that since being attached was bad being single must be good. He has made strides to being independent.
Ok so the new meet up and what it means. You already described in sufficient detail what happened. The answer to your questions lies in the why. It happened the way it happened because you are both wrong!
you thought that a 4 moth separation with no new growth would fix a very dysfunctional relationship. It won't, and it didn't. In fact all it accomplished for you is to add a bunch of other girls for you to be jealous of. Your feelings came right back. Your sexual reaction came back further. And you are already trying to tie him down to the same broken relationship. Sure you want to add some new rules but you have no idea what they mean or how to implement them. He is also wrong. He thinks he is free but the minute you make him an offer he is putty in your hands. He has even returned to the same clingy behaviors that so typified the worst periods of the previous relationship. His only concession, the only point that is showing he learned anything is that he is refusing to commit in words. which is hollow because he is already committed in body and emotion.
So in short he is half way holding back because he thinks being committed is bad and will lead to the same situation that was no more happy for him than you. His contradictory actions are just him blindly following his old patterns. The break was a sham you are both still in the old relationship, only now the sex works.
Advice: For both of you, Get a couples counselor and figure out how you can meet each others needs with out clingy ownership. Or get individual counseling and fix your self first. Then try a new relationship with some one else who doesn't have a long history of unhealthy patterns with you. Your situation is not something that a little pop psychology will fix.
BTW Dragonman is right he is holding back, it is because he is insecure. I just think the problem is bigger than just that.
FA
A
male
reader, DragonMan +, writes (26 February 2014):
 Greetings,
This situation does indicate a need to protect oneself.
You say the guy seems guarded, is that something you feel for yourself or have others noticed?
When you walked away, was it agreed between the both of you? If not then he might certainly be feeling wary that you'll do it again, and to be honest I don't blame him.
However difficult a decision like this is a split up needs to be mutual or the other person can feel abandoned and even when the person that abandoned them comes back a constant fear of it happening again looms.
You need to prove to him that you won't just walk away again for his guard to drop.
...............................
|
