A
female
age
51-59,
*lyngel
writes:Saw this guy for 2 months. He's 42, I'm 39, so not kids...He did all the running; I wanted to be sure of him, so I held back in terms of being the one to get in contact, but I liked him so, so much. He has his own business, and 3 wks ago, he was having panic attacks with stress. I hugged him, we talked. He called later to tell me that it had meant a lot. Next day, he wanted to break up!! - said it was all too much. I said I wouldn't hold anyone where they didn't want to be, but that I thought there was something good here. Later that night he came to my house and said "I've made a rash decision. It was a mistake. You're amazing." We stayed back together til last Monday (he'd been working at the weekend ). He came over, said "I have to finish the project I'm on - and I don't want to be in a relationship. The stress is making me ill." I said I had deep feelings for him, but would let him go. I miss him terribly. What do you think? Is it overwhelming stress, or just a dressed-up brush off? I'd hate to think it were that after so much honesty and intimacy. To outside eyes, does it seem like the end of the line, or will a little distance show him that "we" weren't the problem? (That is, if this isn't just a classic brush-off with a dramatic overlay!) Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Flyngel +, writes (4 July 2008):
Flyngel is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks, all of you. That's all interesting food for thought. I haven't been in contact with him since we split, because I don't want a see-saw back-and-forth, but if he reaches out at some stage (and would therefore be more receptive to what anyone has to say than if they go to him first), I will suggest counselling. I feel sad for him: I know that this won't give him the peace he thinks it will, plus he'll have lost something special.
A
female
reader, dearkelja  +, writes (4 July 2008):
 At his age, this stress about being in a relationship doesn't seem "normal". Do you know if he's had other serious relationships in his past? If not, I would say he is not the kind of fella who will ever be in a serious relationship without some kind of help. Since you haven't known each other too long, the other poster is right, you could suggest it for him, not for your relationship.
I would also suggest that you move on because if he has serious commitment issues, it will take time to get over things. And really, do you think you could ever trust that he will have what it takes to go the distance without another "break up" scare. He will always have leaving on his mind when things get tough. Believe me, I've been with this type of person. Dating and flirting is fun for them but when there is any bonding, they flee. It's just not going to be worth the self esteem hit you will suffer over his issues.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2008): Ermm get him to see a consuellor. It might be a bit extreme but even one visit can help for a lifetime.
I think he needs it. Mainly because he is obviously stressed, slightly ill and isn't coping with making decisions. Therefore you need to help him, care about him and take him there.
If he refuses, say your doing it for his future and not 'ours'.
There is something there thats being destroyed by this. Me assuming about what it is would be stupid. You need to get him professional help to help him make these decisions and get through stressful periods.
Consuelling also helps you cope with stress, so even if you think its minor, it would help.
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