A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:hi this is really difficult to write about but i hope someone can give me some advice on how to deal with my bf of two years.After a long time of wondering about our sex life, I've realised that my bf is addicted to porn.We get on really well and can laugh together, enjoy each others company etc and he's a very sexual man in some ways and i fell for him. In the early days he was 'respectful of me' and it took us a few months before sex fully became part of our life. then after a few months it became less and less, to the point where we were only managing to sleep together occasionally. There were always excuses which seemed annoying but quite plausible! In my point of view i always th thatink along the lines of where there's a will, there's a way but he couldn't see around some 'obstacles' to our chances to be intimate.In the last 4 months, we've had sex once, which was disturbed by a visitor who left after no answer at the door and we didnt carry on afterwards.On Sunday morning after staying over at my house, again .. no sex! finally, I got upset and after a discussion he told me that he finds it easier to masterbate - this means with porn as i know he uses it to help him.He doesnt seem bothered that i want a sexual relationship with him and says he can separate sex from affection, which he does give me.I could write more but for a man to be with a woman who he avoids sexual contact with her, although he says he finds me attractive, points to some kind of porn addiction, given that he's such a highly sexual person, no problems down there and definitely isnt cheating because we talk all the time, every day or we're together!I've looked at various sites about sex/porn addiction and the similarities looks like this is what the problem could be. I should also add that he spends ALOT of time on his computer for various reasons and is often up until 3 or 4am..long after i'm asleep.Advice anyone? men especially!thankyou
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male
reader, just a man999  +, writes (7 March 2012):
 After reading all your details.... I'm sure he's not gay, so what you're left with is......He is "hard wired" for the drug of porn.I'm going to come right out and say it.Please read about this issue. They can explain it much better than I.Even Youtube has clips called "your brain on porn"I strongly suggest you stop wasting your life and watch those to answer your questions.Every man I know says... when there is a reasonably attractive, willing female, they will want that....not porn. This means addiction. The ONLY other thing it could be is he's not "reasonabley attracted to you". If you are an attractive woman, and other men show their interests? Then it's his addiction. There is literally a TON of sites that can teach you what is happening regarding this topic.Just type in your Google brouser... My boyfriend doesn't want to have sex.... see what you get with JUST that alone. There are so many hurting women out there from men chosing porn over real flesh and blood, even HAWT women are being snubbed.
A
male
reader, DoubleM +, writes (15 February 2012):
 Pornography can be an overwhelming addiction. I don't know of a cure.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2012): If he can leave a willing woman in a lonely bed, while he sits up until 3/4am on a computer, then he has a problem. Do you even know whats drawing him toward the pc during the small hours? Is he on hook up or sex sites, besides porn sites?
He separates affection from sex. The one he wants with you, the other you say he is not bothered about. It sounds as if you have little more than a friendship with a porn addict. If he is not willing to work on this problem or doesnt even feel he has one. Then it might be best for you to extricate yourself from this situation before you end up feeling totally worthless. You could still be friends with him as this seems to be all he is looking for but you definitely need a different type of guy for a regular, healthy sex life.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (14 February 2012):
 It does sound like pornography addiction to me, and that's not something I say often. At first I thought of other reasons for his behaviour, maybe he loves you but he doesn't fancy you, maybe he has problems with his erection. But you've been very sensible in dealing with this. You've asked all the right questions. Yes he finds you attractive (he could be lying), No he doesn't cheat (could be but I don't think he is)The reasons why I think he has a problem with pornography is, one he prefer's masturbation (because it easier) two he has late night computer activity even though he's with a woman who doesn't seem to violently hate porn. You've also allowed open and honest conversations about sex, so if sex or the penis was a problem, surely he should have mentioned it. Saying masturbation is easier, whilst your supposed to be in a loving romantic relationship is a worrying sign. The fact that he says sex and love is separate (it is often separate) but can't understand that avoiding giving your partner sex is rejection and hurts them and destroys the relationship, suggests that idea of sex isn't based on real human beings who get hurt and cry isn't something he understands.Problem for you is, just like any problems to do with porn usage or problems around addiction, what can you do about it? You can't force anyone to give up pornography, just like you can't force anyone to get treatment. Unless he realises his behaviour and actions are distressing and is not the normal behaviour of men in a loving relationship, he will not get help.Like many addicts, he denies there is something wrong. Even though he knows that adult men in a 2year old relationship usually want to have sex. He doesn't acknowledge how many times he minimises his problem (love doesn't need sex, masturbation is easier than sex) or uses evasions and avoidance technique to avoid sex. All classic addictive behaviours, whether it's pornography, alcohol, drug taking or gambling, or chocoholic. It's the signs of possible addictive behaviours that your picking up on here.I would love you to get out of this relationship. You deserve so much better than what he is giving you here. But from what you say, there is love, there is talking, there is a lot of happiness outside the bedroom. But on your part, a lot of frustration, worry and hurt too.Because many women hate porn, men will assume that if you try to discuss possible addiction, then you must be porn hating and wanting to control them. So this difficult issue must be handled with delicacy. Check for our pornography links on the Dear Cupid website, there you will find lots of advice from our anti-porn aunts about what to do when your partner is addicted and how to catch him and make him realise the truth.I hate snooping, but for once this is what I want you to do. With alcoholics, the only way I can get them to accept the amount of drinking they do, is to go into every hiding place and find every single bottle and put it in front of them. Then they no longer can deny the truth. Likewise, you need to try and get some kind of idea about how much he masturbates and how much time he spends using pornography. Then your in a better position to remind him that trapping you in a no-sex relationship wasn't part of the bargain. Emphasise only the amount of porn usage, not it's morality or your feelings about it. What you do need to emphasise is what is considered normal in a long term relationship between two people. Also what is considered neglectful to a sexually active woman. He might not want sex, but if he loves you, he has a duty to consider your needs too. Just because he prefer's masturbation, what about you, what do you need, what would make you happy.One last thing.. if he's in your age bracket, around the 50 mark and over, we could have a man avoiding sex because of some medical condition. Maybe his sex drive is very low and he might benefit from hormone therapy, or maybe again he has erection problems and something like Viagra could change this. The fact that he may be using pornography, doesn't say if he has problems with his erection or orgasm. Men are very sensitive when discussing such problems. So if you can, please convince him to see a doctor for an checkup. You also say little about whether he is stressed, over money , work or other things. Any signs of depression, or very overweight so sex becomes hard for him. Any drug or alcohol abuse. Rule all these out, because they can also affect sex drive.I know you have probably considered all the other possibilities, but I repeated them just in case. Collect evidence, encourage him to go to the doctors, and then call him in for a long talk about sex, relationships and possible worrying behaviour. But be aware, he might not be able to, or even want to change.Sorry :(
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A
male
reader, MajorDisplayerOfInternationalPlayerBehavior +, writes (14 February 2012):
 "In the last 4 months, we've had sex once"...
And you have been together for just 2 years. Maybe you can talk to him and find out what the problem is.
If I were you, I wold work on myself, and what you want in life.
Maybe he isn't cheating now, but if he is fantasizing about other women online, and he is sexual, but he doesn't have sex with you. Well, this leads me to believe that there is not much of a physical and or emotional attraction on his part.
Is there something lacking that would help enhance your sex life with him?
Sometimes in these situations, we have to take a good long look at ourselves, and determine, is it us, or is it them?
Because if you two aren't sexually compatible, and he is looking online for who knows what, it's just a matter of time before something gives.
And, I'm not trying to scare you but, how do you know he is not cheating? Do you spend 24 hours a day shackled to him?
People can cheat on their lunch breaks or a trip to the grocery store.
But I wouldn't jump to conclusions, just be aware that it does happen.
If you two are getting along great, and care about each other, then you should be able to discuss the lack of sex. Hopefully you will get the answers you need from the horses mouth, and make the changes necessary to have a great sex life.
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