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female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: I met him 3 years ago and fell madly in love. He was my first everything. At first he was sweet, we would talk for hours everyday. After the first year, things changed completely. He reaches out to say something so affectionate (i'm a woman he can't see himself without, i'm important to him, let's have kids, etc.), then he disappears the next day, for weeks! Basically once I month he puts me through this cycle (like getting my period only a million times more painful). Why does he need to put me through this? If he's not interested in me, why not just disappear for good? I've told him how much it hurts me when he does it, but it doesn't seem to stop him.
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female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (13 June 2023):
 You know there's a "block" feature on your phone, right? Use it.
A
female
reader, TryingToBeFree2023  +, writes (11 June 2023):
 Yes ma'am, I did not ask that question to be rude to you. I had a sheltered religious upbringing (different religion same problem) and it caused me to encounter situations way late in the game. That's the only reason I asked
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2023): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for the replies! Just to add a detail, I used to be a Muslim and wasn't allowed to date or do "everything". I was 30 when I met him, a little after I renounced my religion. That's why I had no prior experience
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2023): You are wasting your time and emotions. If he really cared about you, he wouldn't disappear for weeks on end. He won't change. The only way you are going to improve this situation is to cut ties with him, block his number, delete him from social media, tell him never to visit you again, and move on.
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female
reader, TryingToBeFree2023 +, writes (10 June 2023):
He was your first everything? I don't know what that means. I know that means you had your first "everything " at the youngest at 27 years old. I don't know where you're from or how sheltered or restricted your life was until 27, but most people have had way more experience and wisdom than you appear to at a much younger age. I am not shaming you for that - maybe you have good reason for lack of wisdom/experience through no fault of your own.
Let me help: it was sweet at first (always is) and you talked every day for hours... stop right there!
That's the first bright neon screaming red flag. You get "hooked" on the long talks, the laughs, the flirting, the compliments, the subtle promises, the "let's get to know everything about each other fast..." you get this (fake btw) emotional bonding. What you fall in love with is all the stuff I just wrote. You spend the rest of the relationship trying to do everything you can (including manipulation, which you suck at) to get "that guy" back. You bend yourself into a pretzel to please him, you tell him he hurts you, you beg for any scrap of attention you can get... stop. Just stop.
"That guy" does not exist and never has existed. I made this mistake up until recently and never learned. I'm 44. So I'm not age shaming you. Understand that MANY people move too fast into relationships not just sexualy but emotionally. They want the bonding and connections RIGHT NOW. Even in platonic friendship that doesn't work.
Next time, take it slow. Say something like, "I'd rather have these long conversations IN PERSON when can we meet?" If one meet up gets canceled or changed last minute three times then that means it's not important to him and that's a sign to let him go. Early on. To avoid this problem. If you do arrange to MEET (as in always make sure you have at least two ways to quickly and safely walk away from any situation before getting into it), make it somewhere public and brief (two hours is plenty). This will show you if (a) they can arrive on time (b) how they react when you're adamant that you are sticking to the originally planned end time (c) whether or not they try to manipulate you into changing locations (another red flag btw). Make it clear that you're looking for a relationship that includes friendship or just a friendship at least. That means you BOTH take it slow
If he complains about the slowness or the reluctance to be alone with him or intimate (including and especially emotional intimacy), tell him relationship especially friendship takes time to develop. They aren't instant. They take work. If he truly wants to be your boyfriend or friend, he'd be HAPPY to take his time. Please understand that anyone who wants to rush you into a decision (including a sales clerk) is out for THEMSELVES.
This means that 99% of friendship or relationships will be "lost" before they begin. That's called dodging a bullet.
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  + ♥, writes (10 June 2023):
 It doesn't stop him because he knows, despite your complaining, you will continue to tolerate it.
Do you ask him where he goes and what he does the times he drops off the radar? I'm guessing not (or he doesn't respond) as you don't mention it.
My guess (for what it's worth) is he is leading a double life and has another "woman he can't see himself without" on the side.
You already know this is going nowhere. Words are cheap, sister. His actions, on the other hand, show you who this man REALLY is. He may talk the talk but has no intention of walking the walk. I hope you are using effective contraception, despite his mention of having kids together.
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (10 June 2023):
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