A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Why do men use toys on themselves and cross dress and feel they are not gay? I can understand the feminine side, but the toys make me feel that I cannot satisfy him like a man could. I also have a problem with the deception and lies. A man marries you promising you a wonderful life, and 4 months later he is caught buying a wig...this is devastating to someone who thinks their life is heading in a different direction. It is extremely hard when you are the mother of three boys, and he has three kids of his own. How can someone who says they are feminine treat someone so badly? It makes no sense to me. A woman is nurturing and supportive...not deceptive and manipulative. I never, never, never would have married him had I known in advance. I should have been given a choice, and now I get a divorce...wow! Thanks for everything! If a man has urges and desires that affect a relationship, then honesty is the best policy. Don't trap someone and expect them to understand. Is there any solution? Is a man gay who uses toys on himself, and I mean huge toys...ones that a woman could never use...big, big toys.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (6 February 2010):
 No.. that's not gay, that's a man who likes wearing women's clothes and knows that anal toys stimulate his prostrate gland. Hard to believe, but many millions of men like things in their anus, and many wear women's underwear, because it gives them pleasure.
Why lie.. because of your reaction. You talk as if there is something wrong with him, there's not, doing these things doesn't make him a pervert and I don't know what your children or his children have to do with it? He doesn't use anal toys in front of them.
However, you are right. You should have been told first and been allowed to make a choice. To you this is a perversion, to another woman it's a "kink" a hobby that keeps him happy and sexually satisfied. Divorce him, and allow him to find a woman to nurture, empathise and support him with all his deepest desires.
A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (6 February 2010):
 Lets be blunt, you claim you have a vision of your future. And that is clashes with his. Fine. Does your vision of your future include being alone?
I presume that you two cared for each other and married because of that.
For better and for worse? Ring a bell?
Women are nurturing and supportive, as you are being right now?
I can't say that I would act any different then you have. We got our view of the world and when it turns out to be wrong... well that ain't easy.
You say you can understand the feminine side of his cross-dressing. But worry that you cannot satisfy him as a man could.
But cross-dressing is NOT the same as being a homo-sexual. He wants to experience the pretty dresses women can wear, not experience a male hug. There is a difference also between cross-dressing and transsexuals. I don't know what your husband is. Maybe you should find out before you burn your bridges behind you.
Lets assume that you two married because of love. Isn't that worth something? Yes, your world has been turned upside down and you are not sure of anything anymore. But you can always get a divorce later on.
First, sit down with yourself and think really hard about life, the universe and everything. What is marriage, what is hetero, what is gay, what is love, what is a woman, what is a man and what does it mean for two people.
If there is anything in your marriage worth saving, and I don't know if there is, but if there wasn't, why are you so upset, then you owe it to yourself to at least try to find out what is going on.
Sexuality is a lot more complex then just straight vs gay and man vs woman. In the space in between these absolutes we must find our happiness.
On a lighter note, most women want to take their husband along during shopping, yours might actually want to come along of his own free will. Silly? Most of life is.
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (6 February 2010):
"A woman is nurturing and supportive...I never, never, never would have married him had I known in advance."
This is why he didn't tell you. Because he knows women are NOT nurturing and supportive. They are judgemental and refuse to marry you unless you conform.
I get the feeling you really haven't talked to him about this much. I know it's a shock but you have to have a calm sit down talk with him, possibly with a counsellor if you think that would help.
He wouldn't have married you if he didn't love you and want to be with you. What he's into sexually is just a part of him and it doesn't mean his feelings are any less genuine.
There are bi sexual people who can commit and marry and be faithful partners, they still have urges in the other direction but simply find a way round it as your husband has.
Yes he should have told you, I wonder how long you two were dating and building a trusting relationship and finding out about eachother's turn ons before you got married. Were there never any signs or hints when he was dating you?
Talk to him. Find out WHY he does this and really try and listen and understand.
You may not be able to come to terms with it and still want a divorce. Or you may be able to accept him for who he is if you love him enough, and agree that he will be discrete and you will give him time alone in the house to get up to what ever he gets up to.
Good Luck!! xx
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