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Interferring mother making our relationship problems 10 times worse!

Tagged as: Family, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (30 June 2010) 3 Answers - (Newest, 2 July 2010)
A female United Kingdom age 26-29, *jo88 writes:

I have been in a relationship for over two years on and off. We are both 22 now. We have had our issues, he is a mummys boy, he thinks his mum is amazing. which is great, exept his mum hates me with a passion.

We have had our ups and downs in the relationship, we got together in june 2008 lived together, untill june 2009 he moved out and left me with flat knowing i couldnt afford it on my own, and had nowhere else to go (which i found out his mum was encourageing him to do for 6 months before he actually did it).

We then sorted it out and were fine, but his mother had always been pretty horrible to me although he said she wasnt thats what she is like to everyone. She would compare me to his ex girlfriends (although she didnt like them either so ive no idea why), she came downstairs once and said "oh well its not all about looks, at least youve got brains" (when i actually am good looking but not actually very clever so it was just said to be nasty), she would call me and my boyfriend fat all the time ive gone from a UK 10 to a small 12 which is bigger than im used to but i wouldnt say fat! and shes bigger than me anyway. but thats just because im in a happy relationship. She would text my boyfriend and tell him that i was "crazy controlling and manipulative" which in the end i think he started to believe because he started repeating these things to me. Basically any row we had, when he would go to ask her for some sane advice she would just tell him to dump me. I had done nothing to warrent anything she was saying. Maybe she was threatened when we lived together like i had taken him away from her, but he was back living with her in june 2009.

At one point she text me and said "stay away from my son, i will never accept you, a mental health nurse, you want to book yourself in you psycho".... that was because me and my boyfriend were having a disagreement about what to do for new year...

I was at a loss, so in january this year i decided i would just avoid her, i love my boyfriend very much and so the best thing to keep him from being piggy in the middle was just just keep out of her way. i also said i thought it might be best to stop telling her about our relationship at this point because she HAS to interfere, he agreed that this was the best thing to do.

I had already explained to him that having to go for days out with just, me him and his mother, was not normal, and having to sit and watch tv with her instead of in his wasnt either. he said "its normal to her, and if we dont sit occassionally with her she will be offended"..

so i aggreed to "occassionally" doing it...... This did not work because if we stay at his house, we have to watch TV and movies in the lounge with her, if we say we are going to bed she gets in a mood with us and says its rude.

Anyway since may 2010 we have had relationship problems.. when i found out he had been texting another girl when he was drunk arranging to sleep with her, he had then text her the next day to say that he was sorry but he had a girlfriend and definatley did not want to sleep with her (she confirmed this), and had been slagging me off to his friends and family for the past year basically blaming me for any arguing! i was upset, and he admitted that he had done it so as he did not look bad to them. To make ammends he did stand up and told them it was him that was treating me badly not the other way around. so i was happy with this, and game him one last chance after the girl.... however when we were out, and were intoxicatingly drunk, i had punched him because of it. which i know is an awful, awful thing to and i was so remorseful after it!! i have never hit or hurt anybody in my entire life and it was completely and utterly unacceptable behaviour on my part drunk or not. My boyfriend had completely forgiven me for it as it was totally out of character for me and he said that it was no worse than how he had treated me over the years and we were fine and things were looking up for us we had wiped the slate clean....

Finally things have come to a head, i am moving from north england to south england in 5 weeks time to be with my family and to get a nursing job down there. We had agreed to alternately travel the 3 hours each weekend to see eachother untill he came down south next september.....

except now.... his mother has banned me from his house because i hit him (which is fair enough) she has said she wont let me set foot over her doorstep because i am so horrible. (baring in mind when we lived together he punched a hole through the bathroom door that i was behind when we were arguing and her answer to that was oh well at least it wasnt your face) which i find crazy talk.

Anyway I passed my final nursing exam last week, and he found out he had gotten a 2:1 for his degree on the same day. My family live in ireland and my friends were away or busy at such short notice so i had nobody to celebrate with... he went for a drink with his mum dad and best friend... but i was not allowed to go because his mum would not let me, even though he wanted me there. Next, his graduation is in july, which i am also not allowed to go to because his mother said she will make it akward for me. which has upset both him and i. he told her that if she continued he would have to move out of her home and it had caused an awful row between them, which i hate.

anyway regardless of all this childish behaviour we do love eachother.. and frankly its none of his mothers business at all!!

i have broken up with him now, its been 5 days (which i am aware is not long) but its just not what i want at all! nor is it what he wants either! i know we have our problems, which we sort out at a struggle, but his mother just seems to make things 10 times worse shes so negative and i just feel untill he stands up to properly and tells her to butt out of our relaitonship it will never work!! although i hate that its causing arguement between him and his mum!! i would like us all to be amicable for his sake but its never going to happen! he wont stand up to her about anything, when we were looking for furnatiure for our flat, she said we HAD to get a cream couch, when we wanted a red one, in the end she told us it was cream or she would not help us move in to the flat (even though we were buying the couch not her). It caused murder when he told her to mind her own business and that is the single only time he has ever stood up to her.

He tries not to "take sides". but i dont feel its taking sides, i think its just explaining that its his relationship and life, and she can not kick off at me whenever she likes. I would never dream of telling him or her what to do with there mother/son relationship, its not my place.

im just lost!..its not looking like he will ever stand up to her... should i just move on even though its breaking my heart to do it?...

any advice will me a major help to me because i am lost...

View related questions: best friend, drunk, ex girlfriend, his ex, move on, moved out, text

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A female reader, Ampersand Canada +, writes (2 July 2010):

Ampersand agony auntGood for you! Life is hard enough without having to deal with all that unnecessary drama.

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A female reader, sjo88 United Kingdom +, writes (2 July 2010):

sjo88 is verified as being by the original poster of the question

thankyou so much for your answer, it just confirmed that i was not being unreasonable with what i am saying. I am going to stand my ground.

I broke up with him a week ago, and still nothing from him.. so i am just moving on.... definately the right thing to do!

x

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A female reader, Ampersand Canada +, writes (30 June 2010):

Ampersand agony auntYou're right - none of this is his mother's business. But she's going to certainly make it her business as long as he is under her roof. And if he runs to her each time the two of you argue, he is simply feeding fuel to the fire...he is giving her more power and further reason to hate you. He is encouraging her interfering ways. It also gives her the power to bring up the argument at a later date, thus leaving potential to awaken feelings of resentment or hurt and disallowing you to leave the argument in the past.

You need to take a stand and make sure he keeps to his word about not tell her your business. Let him know it hurts you, as I'm sure it feels rather like betrayal.

She can't tell you not to attend his graduation - it is in a public institute...you have every right and reason to be there if that is your wish. Simply make every effort to just avoid her on that night.

Hopefully once he moves away from her it might help cut the strings. But unless he tell his mother she needs to start respecting you, accept the relationship and to back off ...more than likely little is going to change. Sadly there is really nothing you can do in this case, as you wrote it is strictly between the two of them.

I think ultimately you need to decide if your boyfriend is worth all this drama.

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