A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am 35 and have a warm attractive intelligent man working on my house. He has a good body and is tall and athletic. He used to be a lecturer but was made redundant and now runs his own specialist business. I have a loving relationship with my boyfriend but we do not live together but plan to next year. This man is a friend of my friend's husband and she says he is the most loveliest man she has ever known and is totally genuine. We talk a lot. We have so many interests in common and I the more I get to know him the more I like him. I find myself blushing and stammering and yesterday had a hair across my eye and he very carefully removed it from me and I think we nearly kissed. He is at my house three times a week and the tension is rising. I think about him all the time. I have never been unfaithful but I can feel myself falling for him. I have started looking forward to him working on my house and leaving him lunch. I feel absolutely so attracted to him yet I am full of remorse and guilt for feeling this way. I have lost half a stone in the last two weeks because I am infatuated by him. How in the hell do people get through this. My boyfriend knows nothing about this and I just can't hurt him by telling him. This guy will be working on my house for the next two months. I dread the day he leaves. How can I find a way to stop the way I feel. Even now I am thinking of ways I can leave work early tomorrow and take a change of clothes to work and make up so that I can look attractive for him when I arrive home. It is so wrong..... The suspense is frightenting but I feel I am out of control. Please help.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2011): Read this...
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/do-husbands-and-or-boyfriends-ever-regret-cheating.html
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2011): "I have never been unfaithful but I can feel myself falling for him."
Well, if you want to live the rest of your life, the entire rest of your life, knowing that you are a cheater, then do what mizz.butterflies says.
Then, realize that you are going to deal with your own emotional fallout for years because of your cheating.
You won't be able to trust others in relationships because you realize you can't be trusted.
Starting flirting, which you are, is the emotional affair, and you are thinking "I'm 35, no longer a young chicken, does this tall attractive athletic smart guy thinks I'm attractive, does he really think I'm all that he could want?" and you are seeking validation. Boyfriend isn't there...
Boyfriend's faults are all so clear to you now.
His faults, the perfect man who is working on your house, are unknown...but they are there.
The damage from cheating goes on a lot longer than you think, your remorse if you cheat and have any type of a conscience will last for the rest of your life.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2011): If I have ever been this tempted by someone else it hasn't made me cheat
It has however, made me look at my relationship and ask myself what's missing to make me feel the attraction for somebody else
You can either persue this fantasy (reminds me of diet coke ads) or distance yourself. But I think you would regret it if you went ahead
Is there any way you can stop with your boyfriend - tell him its getting to you having a stranger in your home
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A
male
reader, Dodds  +, writes (29 July 2011):
 Help you how???
I highly doubt you will get the kind of validation you seek here...
You know what you need to do...
If you genuinely love your BF,get rid of this guy n give some other person the responsibility of completing the job
Its pretty clear something is lacking in your relationship,maybe your just bored...
If you value what you currently have talk to your guy and see what can be done,
But its clear to me you have made up your mind and you're ready to risk it all,giving in to emotions you have longed to feel for a looong time
So go for it,get your itch scratched,risk it all and maybe when you have come back to your other senses you may realize the grass is not always necessarily greener,and lose your BF as well(you may get lucky though and find happiness...)
Sort this issue out,its going to spill over into your relationship no matter how smart and capable you think you are of handling and hiding it
YOURE GONNA GET BURNT!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2011): you should end with your boyfriend. do not live with him. if he was right for you ,you wouldnt be attracted to the most loveliest man like this.
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A
male
reader, idoneitagain  +, writes (29 July 2011):
Not only do you have control, you are actually actively creating this situation on an ongoing basis. There is a part of you that wants to create it. You are choosing to have him work at your house, choosing to be around him, choosing to develop your connection with him and feed your attraction to him. You like developing the attraction, because your attraction in your existing relationship is old, predictable, not exciting any more, but this is new and fun and getting you going. Its a very human reaction.
There is nothing wrong with having attraction, developing feelings for people we meet as we go through life. It is what we do with our feelings, and how we act on our attractions that counts. That determines the kinds of relationships we have, and the kind of people we become.
You have an infinite number of choices. I will outline a few hypothetical choices, with hypothetical outcomes. None of which are actually your reality.
1. You choose to honour your current relationship. In choosing this, you realise that your attraction to this guy is too disruptive to your relationship and you immidiately take steps to prevent any further disruption. You tell the guy working on your house that due to your infatuation, you have to terminate the work agreement with him and get someone else to finish the job. You pay him out whatever is due. You tell your boyfriend what happened, and that you chose to fight for your relationship with him together. You are sad about not being able to follow your infatuation, and wonder what might have been, but you love your boyfriend so you are happy you made the right decision.
2. You realise you aren't just infatuated with the guy working on your house, you really love him. You want a relationship with him. You end your current relationship and start one with him. The flames burn bright but after 5 months you realise you aren't as compatible as you thought you were. The relationship ends. You try get your old boyfriend back, but he has moved on.
3. You choose to end your relationship and have a wild fling. It turns in to marriage and kids. You realise you didn't really love your old boyfriend that much.
4. You have an affair. It ends badly and everyone gets hurt.
5. You can't decide. You don't act on your attraction, but this guy is still around and driving you mad. You eventually tell your partner about it. He is hurt. You go for counselling to help you find the best path for you to take.
None of these future outcomes is real, they are hypothetical. What becomes real depends on the choices we make now. The choices you are making at the moment are leading to you cheating on your boyfriend. That is fine if that is the choice you want to make, but realise you have lots of different choices. Start with the most important, which is whether you really want to be in your relationship with your partner or not. If you do, it will help you make some of your other choices.
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A
female
reader, mizz.butterflies  +, writes (29 July 2011):
 Normally I'd tell you not to cheat...
but...this life is very short. Go for it.
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A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (29 July 2011):
 Give yourself some credit. You are not out of control, and you can completely resist this. You, and you alone, all totally and completely responsible for your own actions. Feelings are one thing, how we respond to them is another.
There are tons of options for actions to keep you from cheating. You can continue to resist, if you're up for it. If you doubt yourself, you can have someone else work on your house instead. You can stop talking to him except about business. You can have your boyfriend talk to him about business in your stead. Take on more work at your job and work overtime.
It doesn't matter what specifically you do, so long as you take active steps to stop tempting yourself to cheat. And above all, take personal responsibility for your actions. If your boyfriend cheated and he said it "just happened," or he "couldn't resist," would you buy it? Would you think he was still a decent person? You, and only you, decide how you act.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2011): If you want to rid yourself of your infatuation, flirt with him and make your interest clear, but not before having casually slipped into the conversation that you're already in a committed relationship. If despite this he continues to try his luck and attempts to 'score' off the back of your attraction to him, hoping this will triumph over your loyalty to your partner, you'll magically find your lust vanishes into thin air and turns to disgust.
I've had the same happen to me.
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