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I'm unsure if my boyfriend is over his ex or not

Tagged as: The ex-factor<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (9 May 2012) 4 Answers - (Newest, 9 May 2012)
A female Canada age 26-29, anonymous writes:

Dear Cupid,

My current boyfriend and I have been dating for almost a year. There have been a few things that have happened lately that have made me wonder if he is over his ex or not. I will write out the clues and would be able to tell me your opinion on this situation?

1. He also seemed very bitter and said she was a worthless girl and talked about their relationship with a lot of anger.

2. I was away for xmas and he went back to our home town. When we met back up after, he told me about a conversation he had with his ex where they had a huge heart to heart about each others lives and how she is going to counselling etc. He also called me her name once that night after telling me this story. This is the one and only time he had done this.

3. A couple of weekends ago he went home and after the bar him and his friends plus her and some of her friends went back to the same house to party all night, because they all hang out in the same friend group. This night they had another big heart to heart and he asked her why she cheated on him and what he did wrong in the relationship. Nothing bothered me until he told me this. He told me he was very happy about the conversation and that she has seemed to have smartened up the past year. I felt like he was showing way too much interest in their past relationship. He said he only asked her this because he wanted to make sure he didn't make the same mistakes with me.

He told me that they were only together just because it was comfortable (for 4 years!) and that they never loved each other. I have recently found out that when she broke up with him he was crushed and tried to get her back for a year after. They broke up 2 years ago, and he has even told my friends about their relationship before.

Should I be worried? Should I find my exit from this relationship now?

View related questions: broke up, crush, his ex, my ex

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A male reader, SeekerOfAdvice Australia +, writes (9 May 2012):

It looks like he isn't over it.

If he went back to her just to have a casual catch up, then fine, you have nothing to worry about.

But from what you;ve said, he had not one, but TWO (!) heart-to-hearts with her over the relationship which is extremely concerning.

I don't want to plant seeds in your head or anything, but maybe he only moved on to you to ease the pain of losing her?

He's still invested in her if he is hanging out every now and again and if he talks about her.

To get over someone, you need to CUT THEM OFF. He isn't doing that, and until he does, he will continue to hold on to what they had and that is unfair on you.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2012):

There are traits he likes and dislikes about his ex. With guys our minds will wonder in the past briefly.He will go day to day looking for the best deal (girl)he can get.Sorry to say He will compare you both. Body mind etc. At times he will Blame the other girl to feel good about himself.

Be the best person you can be without being dependent on him for your sense of self worth.If he goes so be it, there are wonderful people all around.

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A female reader, Sugarbuns Australia +, writes (9 May 2012):

Sugarbuns agony auntYes you should be worried. He seems to be working his way back into her life, and checking on her growth progress along the way. So he doesn't make the same mistake WITH HER. The fact that he's being honest with you, is easin ghis guilt and helping him justify to himself that he's not doing anything shady behind your back. Before you pack your bags you could simply talk to him about what you're seeing and how it makes you feel. One thing is for certain if you plan to stay with him, I wouldn't let him go "back home" anymore without you being there too. It just leaves too much room for things to develop between them. And besides, maybe it's time she meets the New Girlfriend. What do you bet she doesn't even know you exist?....

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A female reader, janniepeg Canada + , writes (9 May 2012):

janniepeg agony auntHe is not over her. He is only telling you they never loved each other so you won't leave him for this reason, crushing him the same way his ex crushed him. The past relationship didn't make any sense. It was toxic, there were trust issues, the girl needed counselling yet, he calls it comfortable. Or was it because it was comfortable and boring and therefore the girl needed to cheat? There was no true sense of love. It could be one sided or it is a kind of dependency and unhealthy attachment. Whatever you call it he is not ready to devote himself to you. He is not thinking about you at all and you should not accept this crap treatment.

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