A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend has a very shady past,he ws never in love,has had meaningless sex and not treated women thaat well!And I met him and the first 2 dates I thought may be he wants the same from me,but after those 2 dates he started liking me more,wanting to spend more time,wanting to get to know more about him!he even told me he loves me and I haven't said it back!I am scared,what if he hurts me?what if he gets bored of me..And on our second date I know he tried his best (never forced me) but hinted towards sleeping\making out with an intention of never seeing me again!I know now he feels different but the past keeps haunting..whaat do I do?should I break up with him? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Dionee'  +, writes (21 May 2013):
 You seem to have already made up your mind to stay with him . . . So then do it. Everybody here including myself said you shouldn't stay with him but its clear you want to so what exactly did you post here for? Someone to back up your point of view? If so then you've failed miserably because no-one is going to tell you to stay when we can all see red flags going up, you can too so why stay? But anyway its your choice and you will live with the outcome so good luck
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (21 May 2013):
 OP: It's frustrating that you made your submittal as if you wanted "input" or "answers"..... and you GOT THEM ... from people who will give you the best advice they've got... THEN, with your last submittal.... you are, effectively, "saying".... "I sought your advice, and didn't like it... so, now, I'm going to ignore it and go on as I would have if I'd never asked for (your) advice in the first place."
You do so at your own risk, of course....
Good luck....
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe was in my city for study purpose,he's done with that,and I meant him at the time he was giving up his apartment and was ready to leave the city for good!
He even pushed his tickets back for a week just to spend time with me!
He got a good job in his city and that's why he has to go back!
All I can do now is let his actions speak,I really like him and I'm willing to give this a chance!
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2013): I'm afraid no one is going to tell you what you want to hear.
You asked for advice and you seem to be rejecting it.
Then it is up to you to continue the relationship and find out the hard way.
You see all the red flags and you rationalize because you don't want to face the truth.
To think you can change people is not wise. You are only responsible for changing your own behavior.
You fully intend to go through with it. In spite of all the warnings. So this will be a lesson for the future.
Best of luck to you. You will need it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAnd I forgot to mention he's leaving in 2 days to another city and he said he wants us to continue what we have and that we will be exclusive,only if I want the same..
And he will visit once every month!
I feel if sex is all he wanted according to some of the agony aunts why would he want an LDR!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe hates talking on the phone and has never texted girlfriends!but with me he will talk for hours,text me everyday asking how my day was..listen to me for hours if I'm upset!he does it for me..
I will give him a chance but if I can't get thru his past may be its time for me to leave
And I'v decided no sex until a very long longggg time..let's see if he waits!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2013): Yes, people do change. If they want to change, and for the right person. Some men run around playing the field for years with no real concern for anyone but themselves and getting laid. But eventually, almost like women, this one person, hits them in the face and they do not see anyone else. They want to do right by them, and they may stumble along the way, but they really want to please and make this person happy.
I find throwing I love you's out there so quickly a lack of maturity and having a real understanding of what love is, but it's not a shocker in your teens and 20's for people to respond that way.
Look, he's given you this information, for whatever reason. He could have kept it to himself because that's really not something to be proud of. Just take things slow with him and watch what he does and what he says. He's shown some real respect that he hasn't pressured you for sex. Of course he's a man and he's going to try...why not? You got tested too, and you weren't like many of the other girls who just gave it up freely. Those are not the women he is going to take home to Mom. They are only right now girls.
I would give this guy a chance and see how it goes. Don't get yourself in so deep so quickly. Allow him to take you out on real dates, and see how he treats you. If he gets bored with honest to goodness "courting", he's not ready for a real relationship yet. Just enjoy his company, get to know him and see what happens. Perhaps in a month or so if you see him on a regular basis and things seem to be going really well, you are sexually attracted to each other, then maybe you can go in that direction. If that guy holds out that long, he's in it for real.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (21 May 2013):
 No, people don't really change. Not that fast, and not that much. And they don't ever change for the sake of others, they only change is that is what they want for themselves.. So no, do not count on a change until you actually see one. Again, do not listen to sweet talk. A man who is a player and wants sex will say ANYTHING to get you to spread your legs, and saying "I love you" is definitely not difficult to say when you don't mean it. Soon he'll be talking marriage and babies too, I guess.
Give him a chance, sure. But don't have sex with him for a gooooooood while. And, keep your eyes open. If something looks weird, or feels off.. then listen to your gut feeling. For now, just go with the flow. Even douchebags have nice sides to them, and if he's changed then you'll see it soon enough.
How to know if he's serious? He wont throw around the word "love" when he doesn't mean it. Wait for him to actually get to know you. People don't have to say the words for you to know they love you, they will show it through action. Wait for that action. For example, my boyfriend hates calling and texting, he doesn't like talking on the phone. Yet with me he can talk for hours, and calls me and texts me and I can call him anytime and he'll be there for me. He loves me, so he puts in the effort to do something he otherwise wouldn't.
Another example, my mothers boyfriend HATED when people were late. He had dumped girlfriends in the past because they were late, and it would always result in an argument and him being annoyed. My mother is chronically late. Yet he waited for her, and they were together for 20 years. He put up with this because it was for her.
When people love someone, they show it through their actions, by doing things, without anyone asking them to. And it is usually the small things, such as calling even though you hate it, and waiting for someone even though you hate it.
If he actually loves you (which is impossible this early on, but lets say he does), then he will show you this by action. Such as.. say he hates to dance, but he will do it for you. Or, he doesn't know how to cook and hates doing it, yet he'll make dinner for you from scratch and remember all the foods you like and dislike.
It is easy for anyone to do the things they enjoy doing anyways. When it truly matters is when they do things they DON'T enjoy, but do it anyway, and with a smile too. Because they do it for you, and seeing you happy makes them happy. That's love.
Stop listening to his words, and look solely to his actions. Words are sweet, but they are without meaning if there is no action to support them.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionBut people change don't they?
I'm not going to be naïve and say 'I'm the one for him'..
My heart wants to give him another chance!
And no I have not jumped into the sack with him,he even said given my past I don't want you to think I'm in this for sex,I will never force you to do anything you don't want to do!
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female
reader, chigirl +, writes (20 May 2013):
Uhm, there's a huge warning sign here. After just one date, he hinted towards sex. I really do hope you didn't jump into the sack with him. And, he told you he loves you very quickly. So quickly that I in fact can promise you: he does not love you. To love someone you need to know them, and you can just ask yourself how well can he know you after such a short time. He's infatuated at best, but there's hardly love. And if he is so indifferent about that feeling that he can just throw the word "love" around without any meaning added to it, well you can just imagine where this would go. Imagine what else he'll whisper in your ear that is miles away from the truth.
When he tells you he loves you that quickly, it just tells me that a) he's a liar, and b) he's manipulative and c) he really doesn't know what love is.
So yes, do treat carefully. People who rush into relationships and throw the "I love you"'s all around too quickly, without any meaning.. well they also are quick to end relationships and rush into new relationships, dumping you out of the blue one day.
If you want to know if someone loves you, look to ACTION, not words. His words were: I love you. His actions were: Lets have sex. The action will ALWAYS tell you what he truly wants and feels.
And do you love him??? You don't even know the man, don't get carried away just because he's a sweet talker. Don't break up to him unless he's done something wrong, but don't jump into this with both feet and eyes closed. Tread carefully, one step at a time, and go slow. See what happens. See what he does, look to his actions. Then determine if this is going somewhere or not.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2013): He has treated women the way he has because those women allowed him to. They did not set standards for themselves and he took advantage of it. Men do grow up and they can change, but it takes that one women that he will do it for. You may or may not be the one. He is a risk, but that could depend a lot on you. Make it clear what you expect in a boyfriend and a relationship and hold him accountable. If he is honest with you, makes an effort every day, you will see the differences of who he was and who he is now.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2013): We can only agree that breaking up with your boyfriend is a good idea, according the reasons you have suggested in your post. Whether you do it, is up to you.
If someone has a shady past and you're afraid he may hurt you, give me a reason you shouldn't break up with him? Are you afraid to breakup with him or don't know how?
You went into this relationship with both eyes open. He has never been in love and he apparently told you he has not treated women well in the past. You don't really give much information; so I don't know how long you've been together, and how he has become a confirmed boyfriend after only a couple of dates?
If he left you, he'd be doing you a favor. So let him go.
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A
female
reader, Dionee' +, writes (20 May 2013):
While posting this you already know what you should do. There would be no doubt in your mind if it were a good idea to stay. You already know what to do . . . Now is the time to do it
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (20 May 2013):
C'mon.... isn't it clear enough to you to see "what this guy is made of"???????
AND,... you clearly have SOME IDEA.. since you write "...I am scared,what if he hurts me?..."
Is THAT anything that a girl could, or would, write about an upstanding guy who she can reasonably expect to be a suitable boyfriend????
IF you need that little "nudge" to encourage you to get away from - and stay away from - this guy, then her it is:
leave him, and never look back.....
Good luck....
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