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I'm scared about getting married! Any advice?

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Question - (27 May 2008) 2 Answers - (Newest, 6 June 2008)
A female United States age 41-50, anonymous writes:

I've been with my fiance for 4 years and we are engaged to be married this summer. We have a very stable relationship and love one another very much but I am feeling very unsure about getting married. This is most likely beacuse he is the only serious boyfriend I've ever had and I wonder if I'm ready to commit for life when I never really dated. I met another man that I've had interest in and can't get him out of my mind. I keep wondering what life could be like with the other man and feel terrified about feeling this way if I'm supposed to be getting married. I love my fiance dearly and feel scared both commiting to him and breaking it off with him.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2008):

i completely understand how you feel. i've definately been there with you. i myself am very indecisive. i just recently got married. i had doubts very much like you, and although i love my fiance and now spouse very much, i had similar thoughts of other women while being engaged. i had only dated two women seriously in my life. since the wedding i continue to have the same thoughts/doubts as before the wedding. i seriously contemplated calling off the wedding when i couldn't sleep at all the nights leading up to the wedding...but i couldn't face all the social pressure and disappointment. but now i know for the that i should have followed my own heart, and i suggest you do the same. i am still with my wife and love her very much, but i continue to have doubts. i don't want to ruin our lives, so i guess i'll just always wonder. you might want to see what else is out there so that later you don't still have doubts of what could have been. i know it sounds hard, but otherwise you may not love your fiance as much as they deserve because you are not 100% sure. i'll doubt you'll take my advice, because these decisions are just too hard. after getting married, i look at the entire concept of marriage in an totally different light. it's not natural to put so much pressure on one day when you are committing yourself for the rest of your life, it almost seems like a trap for those who cannot have the foresight to recognize their true feelings. i am sure you feel safe and secure with your current boyfriend. leaving someone you love is never the safest or easiest path. try as hard as you can to imagine life in both scenarios, and see which one makes you more excited, and choose that one. be prepared as the wedding approaches. everything leading up to the wedding puts so much pressure on you that even if you want to call it off it will almost be too late. just my thoughts, but look at me, what do i know. it's up to you.

one other thing, if i were you i might get books, speak to a counselor, speak to married couples, do everything you can before you get married to help you make the right choice. this is a critical time in your life and your deicsion will affect the rest of your life.

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A female reader, Fiona xxx United Kingdom +, writes (27 May 2008):

Fiona xxx agony auntFirst of all congratulations!

Age-wise, I am sure you are ready, because we got married when I was 26.

In many ways it is a bonus you have not had many serious boyfriends. One way or the other, you know if it is right or not, it should feel "right" like a natural progression. Not something to be overly worried about. When you have met "the one" he should feel like both your best mate, and a lover, and somebody you really love. It will feel right and different. Even if you don't have many comparisons, it still should feel natural.

Yes some nerves are natural as it is a big change in yourlife, and hopefully one for the better.

Do I assume this other guy, you met before you two were together? If so you are probably just fond of him, in a way, and don't confuse a fond memory with a desire to rekindle.

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