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female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: Hello. I need help. I will turn 40 in two months and I have found out I am 5 weeks pregnant. My husband and I have a wonderful relationship and we decided to try and have a baby a few months back. I should be extatic, right? Wrong. I am perrified and I am not even sure I want this baby. I only see the negative sides and I cannot believe I thought I even wanted this baby so bad a few months back. I am thinking of terminating this pregnancy and going on with my wonderful fulfilling life with my husband. I feel so stupid, I should have never done this. I am selfish and self centered and not fit to be a mom and sacrifice everything I have for someone else. I fear that I will regret this baby for the rest of my life. Please help me. I cry evey day and I am desperate and willing to terminate this pregnancy. How should I cope? Please don't judge me. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2020): I'm going to reply something that may surprise you and feel that actually you will be a fantastic mother because you are so worried about how good you might be you see the bad and focus on that. Woman have babies and expect a sudden surge of love, it just doesn't happen for us all and you are not wishy washy, it has hit you and hit you with a jolt,you are having a baby and it scares you and has made you question things
Look at it all, long hard look and really work out if something you wanted for a long time is wrong, honestly if you conclude it was that is your choice and we will never know but my feeling is your fear of your own inadequacies in it all.
I wish you well in any choice you make x
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2020): You need to talk to your husband and ideally a therapist. Do you remember WHY you wanted to have a baby? Was it because you were nearing 40 and it was "now or never"?Was it because your husband wanted it so badly?Was it because it seemed logical, you two being in a good relationship?First of all, you need to know that WHATEVER you decide is FINE.But you must be honest with yourself and not let anyone pressure you. It's good that you are taking this seriously. I disagree with previous posters who say that you won't be sacrificing much. You WILL. But if you do it willingly, than it is not a sacrifice.The thing with kids is not about losing sleep, not being able to see your friends, party, go to yoga... as much as you used to, it's about PERMANENT responsibility for another being. From the moment you learn that you are expecting you are responsible for the well-being of that being, starting from what you eat and drink (and later on what that baby eats/drinks ;)), how you spend your money and time, what work you do, what kind of relationships you keep etc.If you KNOW (not think but KNOW) that you won't be able to step up, than considering other options is a responsible thing to do.To be sure, you need to talk to someone, preferably a therapist. Maybe you are just going through an episode of depression and anxiety?I trust my husband and I would talk to him. But I know that he thinks that the ultimate decision lies with women on this issue. In his opinion men are there to support and say what they think without trying to persuade women to do what they would like them to.I have decided not to have children but to adopt them, but I was clear in that issue from the very start. I knew I couldn't be responsible for bringing anyone into this world. In my mind there was never any doubt about this.You have time to think this through.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2020): It would be cruel to end a baby you purposely made happen. If anything give the baby up for adoption or try therapy if you think a part of you might want him/her
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A
female
reader, mystiquek  + ♥, writes (23 August 2020):
 Op, I can certainly understand that you feel scared and overwhelmed. Its very early though so please collect yourself and talk to your husband. Talk to your doctor. Pregnancy can be scary but the more you learn and now the better it will be. Please try to look past the fear and uncertainty. You wanted this for so long maybe you are in shock that now it is happening? TALK to people...get your feelings all out. I wish you all the best sweetie.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2020): Oh, sweetheart, maybe it's just hormones, and all this depressing stuff about a pandemic just getting to you. Life often brings us to a dark place. When we look around, it just seems hope dissipates; and everything goes wrong.
A few months back, you were trying; and now you've conceived. It's okay to be scared. It's okay to worry about how things will change. It's okay to wonder if you will be a fit mother, and if you truly wanted to be pregnant after-all? These are very pertinent questions a person becoming a parent should ask themselves.
Everyone faces life-changing events with some measure of trepidation and fear. Fear of the unknown, having reservations about our future is perfectly normal. You've reached 40, and that's one of our first milestones in life. It's that point where we stop, and look back. Wondering if we missed something? How many goals did we fail to reach? Where should we be right-now? In your case, you want to know where a child will fit into your life? Are you ready for this? How much will you have to give-up to be a good-parent? Selfishness tends to have big-mouth! It can yell over our commonsense, drown out our self-control, and deafen us to reason.
My dear, you are human!
Speak to your husband and your doctor about this. It is possibly depression. It seems to be widespread these days. We are all looking around us, watching the news, seeing how people seem so dreadful...even those who lead us are dark; and seek to be trying to polarize us. We get a relentless stream of disinformation, racist rhetoric, and unsettling decisions that cause more harm than good. In spite of all this, God is in-charge.
Don't hold all this inside without sharing your feelings with your doctor. Termination might bring-on just as much regret. It is your choice, but not entirely yours alone. Your husband has some word in this; and you talk about how great your life is. Be careful, consider that depression is overshadowing your joy. Darkness is trying to steal your joy in bringing forth a new life. Reach deep within yourself, and tell yourself...you can do this! If you follow faith, then these are the times we reach for a connection with our Creator. Darkness steals and kills all the joy we have; and leaves us hopeless, angry, and grieving.
Fear and inner-conflict is overshadowing what was previously a celebration; but your state of mind has been suddenly attacked with depression. That's what you need to deal with, before you decide anything drastic. Pray and ask others to pray for you. I will make a special prayer on your behalf; because I too have felt overwhelmed with seeing so much darkness in the world, that sometimes it seems nothing will bring back the light. That isn't true, the darkness wants us to believe that. It's a lie! We're fed lies everyday, and we can't even go online without seeing how mean and depraved our generation is becoming.
Don't allow this to overtake you without a fight. Explain your feelings to your husband. Talk to your mate. A life is growing in your body, and you're scared to death! Be truthful with him, and get all this weight off your shoulders. You obviously love your husband. It is rare that people come to DC, and actually speak of how happy they are in their marriage. He will be there, he will bear half the load; and the life inside you will bring back the light this dark-world has stolen from you.
Happiness comes mostly from outside influences; but joy is from the spirit, and on the inside. Your child within you is both a joy and a blessing. If what you feel right-now was true, it would have been what you felt from the start. What you feel now is not your true-feeling deep within; it is influenced by the environment or climate around us at this moment. Don't you dare lose hope, or give-in to this feeling coming over you. It's not what you really want, you're just scared. It's something you've never experienced before; and if you ask every woman around you who ever had children if they were scared, or had doubts; the majority will probably admit they've been in your shoes.
There may be a downside to becoming a new parent. Yes, dirty diapers and spit-up! Sleep deprivation, and worries during colicky-nights, and that awful odor permeating the room...begging for a nappy change! The many times you'll gag; but when those trusting and loving eyes look-up into yours, everything you're feeling now is going to melt-away!
Make no decisions without your husband. Seek solace and comfort in worship and prayer. These are dark-times, but this pandemic isn't forever. We will have some mournful-days, and things will all look bleak. A blessing has been bestowed upon you, because you wanted it. Now fear and darkness want to steal your joy. No sweetheart, you're not going to allow that to happen. You are stronger than you're giving yourself credit for. I know why you came here. Something told you that if you came here, somebody would have an answer you were looking for. You are going to be a wonderful mother. You have your faults; but girlfriend...don't we all! If it were a prerequisite that you had to be a perfect mom; there would be no mothers at all! We are all selfish, and want things to always go our way. Life never promised us that.
May God reach into your heart, and restore your joy. Let Him light-up the darkness that overshadows your spirit. You are a good-person, regardless of what decision you finally make. You only needed some light, and may it be restored; so your fears will fade.
Please speak to your husband, and be as honest with him as you are with us. I think this is just something that will pass. Just make no drastic decisions without consulting with your doctor, bearing your soul to God, and the man you love.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (22 August 2020):
 How about you talk to your husband?
And talk to your doctor (maybe even bring your husband with you to the doctor)?
I really can't give you and other advice because this is between YOU and your husband. I think at 5 weeks it's still so abstract an idea and scary because 1. you are 40 2. your marriage Is fulfilling and you may think it will make it less so with an extra person in your life.
I don't see how you are sacrificing EVERYTHING you have, to have a child. Some things yes, you will be sacrificing some sleep, some space, some finances but the gains? Someone born to you that are OF your husband you and you. YOU made this baby. This human life.
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