A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 4 years now. There is a large age gap, and he is at a place where he is ready to settle down and have kids. I on the other hand am open to the idea of marriage, but not having kids any time in the near future. I love kids and definitely want to have my own someday, but I don't feel like I'm ready (I'm 24) and currently am also not financially stable. Furthermore, I went through a very traumatic experience a year ago in which I lost several close family members which sent me spiralling into a deep depression, and I feel I am not yet in the right state of mind psychologically or emotionally to even begin thinking about having a baby.At the beginning of the relationship I told him I wasn't ready for kids and he initially accepted it. However recently he has repeatedly tried to pressure me into having a baby, every couple of months basically asking if I'm 'ready yet' and telling me I'm not giving 100% into the relationship and don't love him as much as he loves me because I refuse to give him a child. As much as I want to make him happy, the maternal instinct just isn't there yet. We have a wonderful relationship and I don't want to lose him, however I have spoken to him on various occasions about whether it would be better to break the relationship off to avoid him being strung along, as I have no way of predicting when I will be ready to have a child. He responded every time that he absolutely does not want to end the relationship under any circumstances, however he continues to pressure me on a daily basis and shows very passive aggressive behaviour towards me. Basically I am looking for advice on how to handle this situation- I don't want to hurt him and string him along, but even though he knows how I feel he says he is still willing to 'wait' because he can't imagine any other mother for his child than me.I have no idea what to do and need some advice! Reply to this Question
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (28 January 2016):
 He is emotionally torturing you. He doesn't sound like a supportive boyfriend to me, he sounds like its his way or no way and doesn't stop to think about how you feel.
You cannot keep going where he is being aggressive and persistent. I think he feels the longer he pesters you then you will just give in and give him what he wants. Tell him he needs to stop this behavior or you are leaving, its not healthy for you. Well done for not giving it to him, you knwo your own body mind and soul so I admire you for following your own heart.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2016): Guys can have kids anytime. I understand his desire, but what I don't like is him asking you every single month, every single day and if you are ready knowing probably well enough that it is not the case. If he does't know then he doesn't know you.This is going to sound harsh, but a big part of his desire to have kinds with you is to pin you down. You are obviously financially unstable and with kids you would be even more dependent on him and less likely to leave him should you ever want to. Having kids now would also prevent you from building your financial stability and independence and we go back again to you being dependent on him.Passive aggression is ABUSE. Let's call things what they are. He's older, you're younger, his afraid you'll grow out of love for him. And let me tell you, if you remain independent and pursue your goals, while he stays focused on keeping you and making you have his kids, you will! It happens to people of the same age, but age gaps makes it only worse. Focus on yourself, know what you want for yourself and make a plan how to get it. If you are honest with yourself you might come to a conclusion that he doesn't fit the picture.Btw, I find it weird that you had that kid talk at the beginning of the relationship where you had to tell him you were not ready for kid. I mean you were 20 years old! Didn't he know that?I am afraid that he somehow counted that you will thrust yourself in his arms after losing your family members. The fact that you didn't, despite depression you mention, shows that you are strong.Also he is maybe ignorant or a jerk or both trying to pressure someone who suffers from depression into doing something.Think well and hard and face your fears.Your whole life is ahead of you!
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (28 January 2016):
 I believe the "choice" is clear. EITHER he can wait, along with you, SILENTLY!!!!! .... OR, he can accept that he can't coax you to move forward YOUR timetable (and he upsets you by continually doing so...) ..... so he should break things off with you, and find himself a G/F who IS prepared to have kids now, rather than later...
Good luck....
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