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I'm not IN LOVE with him...

Tagged as: Dating, Faded love, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (18 February 2009) 5 Answers - (Newest, 21 February 2009)
A female United States age 30-35, anonymous writes:

Hey guys and girls. Here's the thing - and it's a pretty big thing to me so need some help! Been with my fella for 3 and a half years. I know that I love him. We get on amazingly and are really similar, have a laugh etc and understand one another.

But for a very long time now (as far back as 2 years now!!) I have not felt any passion for him. I don't seem to want sex (although I fantasize about it with others) and kisses.

We have tried spicing things up and been on a few breaks which I have always initiated. And yet each time I feel I can't live without him. Some people say we seem more like friends then lovers. I know that love deepens-but at the gae of 21 I shoud not be feeling like this.

To put it bluntly, I could quite happily not have sex with him ever - but I do to please him. I'm wondering if I love him but m not IN LOVE with him. At the moment I do not have feelings for another so there is nothing to cloud my mind.

I don't want to hurt him - he truly is the kindest man I've ever known. Plez help.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2009):

been through the same s*** -.-

...sooner or later you're gonna meet someone new, and you will be physically attracted to that person...and that is where the agony begins...

you're still young...you deserve a real passionate love...and he deserves someone who would love him in a same way and with the same intensity...

I understand that he's a really good friend to you...but that is not enough...you're not happy.

give yourself a chance...have a little fate...you'll find someone else...

good luck ;)

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A female reader, louloulou1991 United Kingdom +, writes (20 February 2009):

louloulou1991 agony aunthi its lou..

i will try and help you a bit i hope:)

ok so you really need to remember the things that attracted you to him in the first place, was he good in bed? even thought you dont seem to be getting anything out of sex from him i suggest you do things your way a bit...

try to bring some toys into the bedroom or extend foreplay with him.. do some funky stuff if its whats going to save your love..

it sounds like you really do love this guy otherwise you wouldnt be trying to please him.

i hope this helps a little bit:)

xxxx

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2009):

Hey, It's me writing to add more info on my dilemma!!!

Yes I would feel extremely jealous if I saw him with someone else - it would rip my heart out.

Everything with us is great - apart from the physical side of things. Hope this helps to shed some light on the situation.

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A male reader, Tomas United States +, writes (18 February 2009):

It's tough because it sounds like he is essentially a dear friend to you whom you don't want to lose, while you are more to him.

So in a way, he has more to lose, since he'd lose a desired sexual partner. But you would lose that friend.

Glitterbug makes a good point; another I'd put out there is, if you only are having sex with him to keep him, or make him happy, if your relationship hit a rough spot, would the sex dry up completely? Would he sense that he had a partner who really did not desire him?

I worry that if you stay with him feeling the way you do, that you are committing yourself to lifetime of playing a part, possibly with resentment and temptation, and possibly robbing him of the chance to have a partner who really is in love with him.

I wonder if he were to feel the same as you, whether you would be happy to just be lifelong friends but not lovers. Would you be jealous of him with someone else, or just afraid to lose the friend?

good luck

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A female reader, glitterbug United Kingdom +, writes (18 February 2009):

hello , right i am going to give it to you the best way that i can if you don't love him and you are loosing the spark think of how it is going to be in 10 years if you are fantasizing of sex with others then human nature will take over , a really cute guy will pay you some attention in a bar and you might not be able to controle yourself i know i have been there a saying i go by ' you have made your decision you just need the courage to in through with it ' good luck sweetie :-) x x x

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