A
female
age
18-21,
*ittlemomma
writes:This has been bugging me for over 4 years now. I can't get it out of my head and I even break down crying sometimes 'cause of it. I need help!To start, my husband and I have been married for about a year and half now. We have a beautiful baby girl who I was told I would never have due to childhood abuse. We have been together for about 4 years now. My husband was engaged to a girl before he and I started dating. They were completely inseperable and he was head over heels for her. A couple weeks before the wedding, she broke it off.My problem is: I can't get over the fact that he had such a huge history with her. She got ALL his "firsts" and he was head over heels for her. Half the time she'd miss her bus just 'cause he wouldn't stop hugging/holding/kissing her. We were friends while they were together and he'd always show me things he was making her, including the wedding ring. He even asked me to go over a poem for him...and it was a poem to ask her to marry him!I can't stop thinking about how he treated her verses me. Let's put it this way.... he asked me to marry him by giving me a hug on his mom's porch... and no ring or anything. Just a simple hug.Also, I can't stop questioning, am I as good/better than her in anyways? Or am I worse??? His first time having sex was with her.... his first kiss.... everything. He even took her camping with his family, but never me.This isn't even the half of it... there are sooo many things that keep running through my head.... I can't stop thinking about it, and it's getting worse... I keep crying more and more thinking I'm no good... thinking she was better than me 'cause of the difference in how he treated her vs me....PLEASE HELP!!...
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engaged, his ex, wedding Reply to this Question |
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2008): the past cannot be changed.. i was going through the same exact thing with my boyfriend.. For some reason i always find myself jealous of his ex. But now i'm over it. I'm the one he's with.. and the most important thing is our future together.. the past cannot be change.. and i'm sure if your husband could change it, he surely would.. you have a beautiful little baby girl with him.. and that should be the biggest bond between you and him.. that's something special that you and only him share together.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2008): You derserve to be happy and loved but what I'm going to say may be harsh. 1. The past cannot be changed! 2. You will not be the love of his life 3. Love and marriage is not a popularity contestSo acting on these in reverse order: 3. you're so called friends and his family are idiots and you should ignore them. Focus on the friends you have, 2. If he loves you - just accept, that's all you can ask for and work on your marriage. 1. Shut the past out, it's all you can do to stop from going insane. BE STRONG HAVE NO DOUBTS NEVER GIVE UP - good luck and god bless. TT
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A
female
reader, littlemomma +, writes (8 November 2008):
littlemomma is verified as being by the original poster of the question yes I believe he loves me, he trys so hard to make me happy. He says I love you like a hundred times a day. I think my biggest issue is that I know she is a great person, and his family loves her so much more than me, and his family and most of our friends would rather him be with her than me...I'm insecure about him...just everyone else I think...I have talked with him many many times and he knows how I feel. For awhile I hardly thought about it at all....but recently his mom has been talking with her and she's on my husbands nieces myspace page as one of her top friends. I have also lost a lot of my friends and a couple of them told me flat out that they'd rather see Chris with her and not me...
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A
female
reader, icelordess + ♥, writes (8 November 2008):
 I think what the poster meant was that you can't let go of the past..and its hurting you, and you can't seem to get past it. Its so destructive to your future. Are you really that insecure of your guy? Do you just not feel loved by him? The thing that concerns me is that you have been together for 4 years and you still feel this way. Its just not good dear, you shouldn't have to feel this way after all this time. Does he love you, I mean, do you believe that he does? Does he ever tell you he does? Do anything special for you? Are you just feeling insecure? Or does it go deeper? Is he treating you badly in any way? I'm just not understanding why you keep comparing yourself to someone that he hasn't been with for 4 years. Is he in contact with her? Is that why you feel insecure? And lastly, does he know really truly how you feel?
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A
female
reader, littlemomma +, writes (8 November 2008):
littlemomma is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhow is this an obsession??? and I've tried counciling when I was put in Foster care...didnt do squat. Thanks for the advice though
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2008): Maybe its time you seek counseling then. This is turning into an obsession, and its unhealthy.
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A
female
reader, littlemomma +, writes (8 November 2008):
littlemomma is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks guys for the support. I really apreciate it!
I have talked with my husband over and over again...I just cant seem to stop thinking this way though.
I mean, he was my fist at everything...and I know he still loves her a bit. I've had times where were having sex or he's sleeping and he's called out her name...I have even talked with him about that and he says he's sorry and it has never happend again during sex, but he still calls her sometimes when he's having a bad dream or something. I dont want to hurt him anymore so I havent told him again.
I have talked with his ex, and she's a wonderful gal she just made a poor mistake when she left him. She was scared at the time, and I completely understand where she's coming from.
If I hated her or disliked her badly then I know this wouldnt be an issue....but I dont. So it is 'cause I know how great she is...
It doesnt help that my husbands family likes her more than me, and a lot of our friends have stopped talking to me 'cause they want him to be with her...not me...
ug I wish I could stop thinking about it!
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A
female
reader, icelordess + ♥, writes (4 November 2008):
Let the past stay where it is..in the past. Dwelling on the past won't change anything, all it is doing is making you feel badly. First time loves are always special, right? Just like it says..first time..and for most of us they hold a special place in our heart..but then they end, and you go on to a new love. Like your guy did. Stop trying to compare yourself to his first love, and focus on what you have with him. He's with you, right? You're beating yourself up darlin' and it isn't helping you in any way shape or form. If you makes you feel better, talk to your guy about this, get it out in the open and then FORGET about it! I had this problem with my husband, he was married before..and it really hurt me emotionally because I was just like you, comparing myself to his ex..she was a doctor, smarter, prettier, ect. ect..And it was just eating me up inside..And finally I said something to him and he said "But why do you bring up someone that I haven't thought of in 7 years? She means nothing to me, and I can't remember hardly anything..." and I realized that if he wasn't thinking about his past..why was I? I do understand exactly how you feel, but trust me...let the past go. Focus on the here and now. Hope you feel better. Please feel free to email me if you want to talk ok? Take care.
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A
female
reader, Reebe  +, writes (4 November 2008):
 Most people have more than 1 serious relationship in their life, the first time you do anything you get more excited bout it.
You are going to ruin your self esteem if you carry on thinking like this.
At the end of the day he is married to YOU.
I would speak to him, let him know how you feel, you might feel a bit silly by bringing this all up now but I think that you need to get this out in the open.
Be thankful for what you have, your daughter and your husband talk it though and put the past behind you and work on your future as a family.
Good Luck.
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