A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm in denial but maybe writing this out will help me move on?I am madly in love with a man that I've known for years and was seeing for a few months. Despite the baggage he has, issues, and I think a drinking problem. Things were really great, I thought we were headed towards something special. But when I finally asked for a a commitment he broke it off and said he couldnt give that to me because he has too much too handle in his life. Which upset me a great deal because I thought that should be my call.Anyway, he still wanted to see me though and I agreed. Mostly because the pain of not seeing him at all made me sick.. Things of course got physical (very physical) He's always been open with his feelings and has told me I Love U etc. Sings to me Cuddles with me Tells me Im beautiful etc. We have amazing chemistry!I don't know what to do. I rationilized sleeping with him might regain his interests (stupid me)Is there any way this could turn? If I avoid him like the Plague??I know Im the best thing he could ever have. Not to be all props on myself but I model and Im a fun girl. he on the other hand is kind of a loser. Why do I want him again?I want things to be better. Is there anything I can do? Should I just run?
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male
reader, dplydsldr  +, writes (28 May 2012):
You're right, that its entirely your call to make about how much baggage is too much. But his call to make is whether or not he feels that he can put everything he's got into a relationship. There's a lot of instances where guys completely keep a girl on a string to get what they want. So if by "a lot more problems" you mean; Not returning your calls, only calling in the middle of the night, dating other people, consistently asking you for money, physical/emotional/verbal abuse, etc... Then I'd say run for the fences.
If none of those are his issues and you feel like you want to see where this road might lead, there's really only one way that you can help him and POSSIBLY get what you want at the same time.... Counseling.
Ultimatums and mind tricks are only going to irritate him further, and (if he sticks around) you most likely they will completely dismantle your chemistry. However, if you really care for this guy, sit him down and tell him directly that you want a commitment but that you care more about him being healthy. He's already admitted that he's got issues that he can't deal with, so do your homework and offer to help him find a neutral party that can help him.
But DO NOT tell him you won't see him if he doesn't go... Let him ask that question, and answer him honestly if he does.
If he's not willing to accept help so he can better his life, then this isn't a game your ever going to win. But if he's receptive and willing to do this, then you may have something.
A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (27 May 2012):
 I don't think there is anything you can do to be honest...he only wants to have sex with you and anything else around that is just fluff...the sweet talk, the telling you he loves you...it's just words.
It's been said a million times over on this site by a million people and more, that men will only pursue what they truly desire...and it has been said a million times because it is human nature...and it is true!!!
Women offer themselves up as sacrificial bodies, they buy the sweet talk, use sex as a weapon (or as a lure in the hopes it will turn to love) but where there isn't mutual want, feeling, respect and trust...the relationship will never happen.
When women have sex they release hormones that attach them in some way to the man they had sex with...that is why it's so hard for women to break free of their feelings and its also the reason why men can use the 'I love you' to easily get a woman into the sack.
This guy you are involved with is doing you a favour by pushing you away...you should accept the truth as it is, you should realise that there isn't anything you can do to change things and you should move on and find someone else less complicated and someone who will love you for real.
...............................
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