A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my BF for a year now. Great guy, fantastic relationship, respects me a lot, we’ve met each other’s families etc.He’s been talking about living together one day and recently the talk’s gotten serious. He’s got this plan that he’d like to move in together by this time next year. The thing is, he’s assuming I’m ready for that and he’s never really asked if I am.A long time ago he said that he didn’t see marriage in his short term future (say the next 5 years). To me, that immediately meant that I wasn’t the one and that I wasn’t good enough for marriage. But then, his actions and everything else he does show me otherwise. I don’t know if I’m misinterpreting his not being ready for marriage now as some sort of sign that he’s not too sure about me.I don’t want to get married now or even engaged. But I do want it one day, possibly in my early 30s. The only way I would live together with him was if he wanted to marry me eventually. If he’s not sure, not ready or whatever then I don’t want to make the commitment of living together when I know that we’re not heading in the same direction.It’s easy for me to bring this issue up with him, but I’m just worried that he’ll say ‘maybe one day,’ which really doesn’t give me any answers. It leaves me in limbo and doesn’t help me decide whether to live together with him.I know now that I want to marry him one day but things do change and I understand that. He could tell me tomorrow that he wants to marry me but then change his mind. How can I figure out whether he really wants marriage with me one day so that I can make a decision on whether to move in together? Moving in together is a bigger risk for me than it is for him.We're the same age and neither of us has been married before. Both our parents are still happily married.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2010): Original poster here. Thanks for the answers.
Anonymous, your answer scared the hell out of me...why? Because, as much as I don't want to admit it, it's probably true.
I realize now that this issue of living together might break us up if he's unwilling to committ and I don't know how I will deal with that.
I've had so many problems finding a guy who truly values me and I'm scared to let all this go and never find someone like him again. I'm 27 and a good guy is so hard to find.
Guess I'll see what happens.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2010): I think you are writing here because your instincts are right on the money and they are telling you not to take his "offer" of living together.Let me tell you something, this guy is not committed to you or your relationship or the future. He is a mister right now. Basically, he wants to own you as a girlfriend, take you off the dating market and "keep" you as a live in servant and sex slave, and oh by the way he loves you, too....so that should make it all worth your while.You should never never never give more than a man is willing to give you. Living together without an engagment of marriage is a pretend relationship and you can waste years of your life on a man who isn't motivated to marry you because you settled for a lessor offer.I can also tell you that if you do that based on his vague promise of a someday, that he will stop respecting you in time and value you less because you did not stay on YOUR own life path of happily ever after,, as in marriage and kids.You are lying to yourself when you say you don't want to get married either right now, well fine you want to wait for x reason or b reason, but you can be engaged until then as well, you are simply accepting his terms for the relationship for fear that you may otherwise loose him.Don't do it, don't give your power away like that and stand up for the whole enchilada before you combine household's....he needs to step up to the plate or you will remain at home.
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A
female
reader, pepper27  +, writes (13 July 2010):
 Hi Hunny
He said that he didn’t see marriage in his short term future, But he did not say he does not want to get married ever. Plus if he is making all these plans then he must see you two being together as something he wants in his life and future..He sounds very carefull, Planing to move in next year then maybe see how you two get on living together before he makes any other decisions, Like marriage.
I think if you can talk to him hunny then thats the best way to go, After all there are two people in this relationship not one and rather than tell you what is happening It would be nice to ask you what you want..
If you are not happy with any of this then now is the time to talk.
I hope this helps a little, TAKE CARE OF YOU WITH LOVE MANDY XXX
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