A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Me and my girlfriend have been dating 2 years, and are in love. I was the first guy she had sex with and she was the first one i had sex with, and this was always really special to me. Recently she told me she was raped when she was 15 and was unconcious during everything. I am just having a hard time hearing this and do not know how i should react? Also I am having a hard time thinking about that she was in a way "with" someone else. Advice? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2010): it took her so much courage to tell you this.
she obviously trusts you a lot!
i know it's hard to handle but you can't freakout about this or you're going to loose someone really special and it will be a massive regret for so long.
A
female
reader, smiliek  +, writes (15 December 2010):
 Ok, in my opinion, rape does not mean you've lost your virginity. It may not be the dictionary's definition of it, but its mine. Rape means you dont get to choose. Someone forces you into something you dont want. You cant tell them to stop because you want to lose your virginity to someone else. You cant do anything at all. Hence, if someone is raped, it doesnt count. In all aspects that count, she lost her virginity with you. She hasn't been 'with' anyone else. She was attacked. You simply cannot be jealous of that, unless you are saying that its her fault. Trust me, i've been through this. If you act jealous or have a problem with what happened to her, you will lose her. Her trust will disappear, her self esteem will plummet (even lower then when the act first happened) Being raped is horrible, having someone have an issue with it when you trust them enough to tell them is another blow. I once dated a christian guy, he had an issue when i told him because i was 'unclean' he had to talk to his pastor to be able to accept it. However we weren't together long, because his judgement of me over something i couldn't choose or control really hurt me. Accept your gf exactly as she is, or leave her. Do not be jealous or angry or judgemental over rape. It is not something anyone wants.
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A
female
reader, sunandstars  +, writes (15 December 2010):
You should support your girlfriend, she hasn't done anything wrong if she was raped, it was forced upon her, she didn't want to. She most likely doesn't like thinking about being with someone in 'that way' as much as you don't, so try and forget it, you're the first person she had sex with willingly and out of love. So just try and remember this and support her, because I would imagine it's a very emotional subject for her.
Hope this helps,
sunandstars
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A
male
reader, Mr Clark +, writes (15 December 2010):
I'm not a psychologist, so take the following with a grain of salt.
My sense is that feelings of jealousy originate in an emotional, subconscious part of the brain. If this part of your brain is presented with an image, whether it is a real image or an image that another part of your brain imagined, feelings of jealousy are triggered by the image. Because this part of the brain is not logical or conscious, the images trigger the emotion even if your conscious mind knows the image is not real, or that it is not rational to feel jealous under the circumstances.
The only "solution" is to use your conscious mind to control the images and thoughts based on rational thinking (easier said than done, believe me, I know)
It was not her fault that she was raped, and it was no doubt a horrible experience for her. To my mind, it's not rational to feel jealous about that. But, the subconsious/emotional part of your brain will generate feelings of jealousy if you continue to think about it. I think it's very difficult to reprogram the subconscious/emotional part of your brain, so you have to simply recognize that feeling jealous is probably somewhat normal, but irrational, then stop thinking about it.
It might help to realize that for her it was probably similar to what you would feel if someone shoved a broomstick into your rectum. It's nothing to be jealous of, and she had no choice in the matter.
My suggestion is try to understand where she is coming from, and try to stop thinking about it. Distract yourself if need be every time the thoughts start. Try to stop the thought pattern before it triggers an emotional response which will make the image or thought seem more real, causing it to get worse yet.
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A
female
reader, Colombian_Latte  +, writes (15 December 2010):
When you loved a person, you should loved everything about them (inside and out). Yeah, she's been with somebody else... but she was raped. Was it her choice? No.
Imagine you found it out yourself without her telling you, for me that's the worse. That is when you react... big time because she didn't tell you. On the other hand, you should be thankful that she is very honest to you... telling confidential things like this not happened very often. She is one of a kind and brave because she told you about it and didn't hide it from you.
Hope this helps... Good luck Amigo...
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A
female
reader, Tbosse  +, writes (15 December 2010):
 Come on! Its not like she chose to be raped. She opened up to you coz she feels connected to you and that she can trust you.let go of 'those' thoughts
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2010): She needs your understanding. She did nothing wrong and was not 'with' this person, at least not out of choice. She was with you out of choice and that is what is so special, not some awful person who forced her in the past. She was very brave to tell you about this, as often people feel as if it was their fault. It wasn't her fault.
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A
female
reader, loveistheanswer +, writes (15 December 2010):
 Why are you "jealous" of her being with someone else when she was RAPED and UNCONSCIOUS? That's just your ego really REALLY getting the better of you in a disturbing way. If anything you should feel sorry for her what she went through and want to protect her. What are you trying to get at? Are you afraid that she liked it or something? How could she have? She was RAPED and UNCONSCIOUS.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2010): It is obviously hard to hear, but imagine how hard it was for her to TELL YOU. I think you should be supportive, she didn't cheat on you... it was something terrible that happened to her and she had no choice. Why wouldn't she tell you before? Maybe she wasn't ready, being raped is not something you talk about in casual conversations. To her, both of you lost your virginity together, and I'm sure it's something special to her.
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