A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:It's going to be 4 years soon that I am single. Sure, I've met people and "dated" (very very briefly) a few guys but haven't been able to find a guy to actually have a decent relationship with in all this time. I enjoyed being single (primarily for the first 2 years after my ex broke up with me) but now I find I am just beginning to be so frustrated over it. It almost feels as though I am suffering a little inside and that the void of not having someone special is getting bigger and bigger. All my friends are engaged or married - ALL of them. Although I am happy for all my friends, their constant happiness sometimes is a reminder that I might not find that anymore. Yes yes.. I've tried online dating and all that but it is like I just cannot meet someone. Sometimes I think I just live in the wrong city and that the potential for a long lasting relationship here is just not in the works!!!I'm just wondering - how long was the longest you've ever been single? Did anyone else deal with this kind of constant frustration after being single for so long (not to mention the lack of sex... not 4 years here but long enough to start going a little crazy now) ?? and where/how did you end up meeting the next person you dated after such a long dry spell?I always truly believe that some people will never meet "the one" and will spend their lives alone. And I am truly starting to think I am one of those people. How to deal??
View related questions:
broke up, engaged, my ex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2014): OP Here.Thanks for your replies. "We each have a destiny which sets the time and place that we meet the special someone. Just by your sense of urgency and desperation I can tell you are far from being marriage material. You'll accept the first proposal thrown your way for all the wrong reasons. The reason you haven't found anyone and your relationships are so brief, is the fact that you need a lot of work. You are fretting over the fact you're single, and it has been four years since your last relationship. There's a reason. Don't try to give me that typical nonsense about men not wanting commitment and how you've been played."I have to say though that I completely disagree with this statement. People always say "when you're ready it will find you". No, it won't. You gotta find it yourself as well. You gotta put yourself out there. I am in no way "looking so hard for love". In fact, I am not even trying anymore and it's been months. When someone wants a relationship and has been single for so long, it never becomes something we just "let go of". I for one am not someone that can just let go of things I want in my life, but I definitely don't go 'hunting' for it or become desperate. Not at all. I don't show people how much this bothers me. In fact, I keep myself very busy. I travel often. Going to Europe in a couple months. I do yoga. I exercise. I go out for dinners.. drinks .. I keep busy. I am happy in most aspects of my life. My life isn't on a standstill waiting for that man to find me. But it's not something I will just all of a sudden not care about anymore and let go of the thought of finding love just because people say that method is working against me. (no offense to your comment of course.. just my view on that because people always seem to think that "when you finally forget about finding love it will find you". I don't believe in that.)I am turning 30 this summer and I guess at my age, it's only normal that everyone is in complete bliss in their new marriages and engagements. BUT I'd rather be single any day than be in the wrong relationship and this is also a reason why I am still single. I am definitely not one to rush marriage. Sure, I'd like to get married but I would choose being single for life than have children with the wrong man, get divorced, then battle our child custody. I saw my sister go through that and I'll pass on that life. I guess it's hard to see my friend's lives ever getting bad because everything seems so perfect for them and their relationships.This is ultimately the only thing that keeps me happy - telling myself that the story of my life is not to be in the same place as all my friends... and maybe, while (this will sound very cynical also) when some of them start going through divorces, I'll finally find love again. But yeah.. single and miserable is better than in a relationship and miserable for sure!!Right now, I am just not meeting people at all. I am not looking for "the one" like it's a mission. But I AM looking for the most compatible person for me. I was meeting people but they were never a good match. And it's not because I am overly picky or anything like that but I won't bother dating someone who is for example.. of another religion that won't marry my religion in the end (why would I waste my time with this? I am not religious at all and don't care about religion but I meet a lot of guys that are religious and won't marry me bc of it), is much younger than me and tells me "they'Re not looking for marriage", or a guy that I KNOW is just looking for one thing. And those were the types of men I was meeting. My friends don't really know anyone to set me up with because we all have the same friends and there's no one at work for me either. There's a few attractive guys that work on my floor but they're all married! So ya... it hasn't been easy meeting someone at all. I am running out of ideas now! To be honest with you though, I hate online dating. I know I should probably be more active on it but out of the few experiences I had, none were good!
A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy  +, writes (3 April 2014):
 To the OP and Euphoric (and Eurphoric, I completely agree with your second post), I think meeting new people is key, not just to find a partner but to make new friends. I use meetup.com (not the singles/ dating groups, though).
I am also single and many of my friends have moved on (got married, had children) and 'left me behind'. Our interests have completely changed. So I am getting to know women in my age range who are also single and who don't have children.
Euphoric, I have travelled truly alone and made no friends (I'm too shy/ a bit wary), but have also travelled as part of a group and I did make friends that way. A colleague/ friend has done the same and has made new friends, too.
I think that by making new friends, of any gender, my social network will grow and maybe I'll meet a guy I like that way (or maybe not; at this point in time it's not my priority). Internet dating certainly didn't help for me!
...............................
A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (2 April 2014):
.. hi there, just checking in on the conversation..
@Wiseowle..I can understand why you'd want to give the OP (and probably all longterm single women around their 30's) some tough-love about acting as desperate as it seems we do.
But I want to add that, just speaking for myself, because I don't know our OP, seeing everybody else married and engaged is hard, even if you're NOT desperate to do so yourself. Me, I'm NOT keen on marriage and motherhood right now, but the fact that no one else is single makes my life difficult. I am often the third wheel at social events and people are much less likely to go out with me. Also, friendships become more shallow, suddenly I'm expendable, people have a "new best friend". Been so close to other friends and then - bam - love and there's no more prime-time for me. So new years' eve? Saturday night? Summer holidays? - Sorry, "we" already have plans. As much as I am happy for my friends, it makes me question friendship sometimes. Was I just there to fill the void as long as there was no man around?
So, before you judge women as "desperate", please think about this, too. We don't only lack a partner, we also miss our friends and careless fun, sometimes. We have less support, less and less people who truly care. And I think it's far-fetched to call the OP cynical and bitter. Every single woman sounds like her sometimes, this doesn't mean she is all over every potential husband. Also, the OP had a relationship before her "dry-spell", so you can't know whether she really needs a "lot of work".
My theory is that, maybe nothing is so wrong with singles like the OP (or me), after all. Shit happens. And it doesn't have to mean you're psychologically wrecked. I have issues, the OP probably too, but look at all the weird people who are in relationships! If self-confidence, introspection and perfect mental health was a prerequisite to enter a relationship, I bet there would be much more single people.
Ok, there goes my lengthy response.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2014): The factors that are getting to you most about being single is your preoccupation and obsession over the fact your friends are all engaged or married.
Now suddenly there is an urgency that you go on a mission to grasp that golden ring, to let them know you aren't the pitiful gal with no man.
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Stop the violins!!!
Don't do this to yourself. We each have a destiny which sets the time and place that we meet the special someone. Just by your sense of urgency and desperation I can tell you are far from being marriage material. You'll accept the first proposal thrown your way for all the wrong reasons.
The reason you haven't found anyone and your relationships are so brief, is the fact that you need a lot of work.
You are fretting over the fact you're single, and it has been four years since your last relationship. There's a reason. Don't try to give me that typical nonsense about men not wanting commitment and how you've been played.
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah!!! I've heard it all.
I'm going to serve you a dish of tough-love. When I read a post, I sense a person's sincerity and honesty through how they articulate and express themselves. I also pick up little clues about their personality. They also reveal to all of the aunts and uncles just how much self-confidence and the degree of self-esteem you have. It tells a lot.
Men pickup on a desperate girl. One who is trying way too hard to snag a boyfriend. She demands too much too soon shortly after meeting him. She's ready for a relationship!
She wants it now. There must be regular texting and calls to reassure how much you care. You must focus your complete around-the-clock attention, and all this better lead to a wedding. Don't waste my time. I'm pushing 30, and I don't want to be a middle-aged mom. My grandmother keeps asking me when I'm getting married? She might not live to see my wedding. Shut-up gram-ma! You're doing more harm than good!
How many times did you tell your old man you should have married the other guy?
Always too eager, like a high-strung thoroughbred filly at the starting-gate. Ready to start the race to the alter at a full-gallop. You don't approach a guy who only wants to date, you like he shouldn't waste your time. All because you're on a mission to the alter. He'll dump you; or quickly get sex, then dump you.
It helps that he is given time to decide how much he likes you, starts a courtship-ritual; then commits to you to be an exclusive couple. Then things must grow from there. You evaluate each other for compatibility, allow feelings to grow and be established. Most of all, there must be trust and honor of each others feelings.
You never give it chance, and I can tell just by your post.
You are jaded, bitter, and cynical. You just want to be married and have some guy's last name. Never mind being loved, respected, trusted, and developing a partnership.
Let's date, like each other, gimme a ring, get married, and have babies. The fastest way I know to a divorce!
Become your own best friend and introspect. Make use of your free-time to make personal-improvements. Fulfill your goals that get slowed down by marriage and babies.
Your friends gloat, brag, and rub your nose in it. Showing off their sparking rocks. It was their time and opportunity. They'll marry, and it will barely last a two-year stretch. One or two will just be "misery" stretched over years. You can do bad all by yourself. They'll be divorced when you're on your way to the alter. All puffy from childbirth, and stressed-out. Keeping up happy appearances for your sake.
Now back to you.
Why don't men stick around? What type of men were those guys to start with? Were they flaky, quick pickups, recently out of relationships; or all just stupid?
Ask yourself:
Was I needy, always complaining, insecure about my body, too lazy to do anything about it, and always whining? Are you convinced that all men are just assholes, and no one is going to get over on this chic!!! Does any of this ring a bell in your head? You don't have to admit to any of this,
they're rhetorical questions. They are meant to provoke thought, not attack you. That's my style. So get over it!
I know and care how you feel; because my partner of 28 years passed away from cancer. I never did much dating before him. We met very young while in college, and that was it. Then suddenly he's dead and I'm on my own. What the f**k?!!
I had no idea how to be single after a 28-year relationship.
Over 40 to top it all off!
I couldn't date, because I felt guilty the first year. Like I was cheating. Then the players lined up. Single gay male,
professional, fit, good job, nice home, nice car.
Mature!!!! That makes him desperate. Not in the least! I listen to older people. That's how I grow wisdom. They told me take my time. I'll be tempted to quickly find a replacement to fill an empty place inside. I'll feel unattractive if guys don't lineup at my door. I'll get horny and desperate. The smaller head will try to take over.
They told the truth. All of the above came to pass. I knew they were right to begin with. So, I decided to see what I could make better about me, to make me like myself. Then worry about other people.
I forgot how to make decisions on my own. I was used to second opinions. Or flying on autopilot. I didn't know how to say no, so friends took advantage of my generosity. I was scared of being rejected by people I found attractive. I found excuses to turn down dates; because I was afraid to feel anything, lest they'll die on me.
I meticulously worked on all these "weaknesses." It took several years. I dated in-between. I actually enjoyed myself in the process. I made friends. Still with me to this day. We started as lovers, but were too much alike. So friends we became. Always there for each other. They criticize me, and keep me grounded. Loyal to the core.
Then he came along. Plenty of money, he liked to travel, good-looking. Said all the right things. I allowed myself to feel. He woke-up a sleeping heart. He loved fun, but he had a very creepy side I discovered by accident. Started disappearing and doing things without me. I was fine with that, I had my own life. Then he dumped me. It hurt. I clawed my way back, and now I help others.
I have fixed those things that made me strong enough to comeback. I'm grateful to him for giving my heart muscle the exercise it needed. Reintroducing me to life and myself. That was his gift. I took it from there. I'm still a work in progress. Learning from people like you, the aunts and uncles, and accepting my flaws I can't change. I'm human. I don't think having a partner will improve me,
I think it will enrich my life. I already have a purpose.
Now marriage should not be your goal. Being good marriage material should be. Fix yourself. Work on weaknesses and insecurities. Trust issues, and give yourself an attitude adjustment.
Project strength and independence as a woman. Convince your subconscious mind that you don't "need" a man, or a husband. You want one, but you're willing to carefully chose the right man for the position. If it takes a lifetime to select one.
Love, trust,and respect are the main ingredients. You won't commit without them all. The ring often outlasts the man who gave it to you. Prepare for loss.
When you're strong and independent, men find you more desirable. You know your worth. You also have a wider choice of a better quality of gentlemen. You are choosing out of desperation. You want a husband. You're tired of searching. That's will lead to disaster.
You should make choices based on what's right for you, and what you can grow on. Your happiness comes first. You find that before you go looking for some man to give it to you. Didn't anyone tell you that? You didn't listen did you?
When you decide to like who you are as a single woman; men will take notice. You don't like us, so we don't like you either. We see more on your surface than you realize. Your behavior backs it all up.
You know why being single seems likes it's going on forever? You're doing nothing good for yourself to fill in all your spare time. You're waiting for a man to come along and give you what you should have given yourself. So your feel a void and like you're lacking something.
Okay. That's your lesson for the day. I'm teaching you what I had to learn. Pass it on.
...............................
A
male
reader, Myau  +, writes (2 April 2014):
 Try changing it up.If your going to the same places, then your meeting the same people. Give people a chance, don't just look for a type. If someone is nice and fun, try it. You might be surprised.Also be careful you arn't giving off the desperate vibe. Everyone does it when they are single for a long time lol. And its highly unattractive in either a guy or girl.
...............................
A
female
reader, Euphoric29 +, writes (2 April 2014):
Dear OP,
I am in the same situation! I've been single for 4 years, as well. And all my friends are in relationships or engaged/married with kids (or trying to have them).
I've been online dating, speed dating, going out, trying new hobbies blablabla but I'm so tired of it sometimes. There are days when I think love just isn't made for me. It's not even that no one wants me. But I keep rejecting those potential partners I get because I want to fall in love, not just settle with anyone, for anything.
That said, I suppose I've got an issue: If I find someone attractive, I get way too shy and ignore them, instead of approaching. I also tell myself that really attractive people are all cheaters or arrogant (which is a prejudice, cause I will never find out). So I end up dating men that don't really interest me in a romantic/sexual way, because they don't make me nervous. This isn't getting me anywhere, admitted.
I am trying to change, but I haven't exactly figured out how. I've always been a rational, thinking person and quite cautious. That makes it hard for me to act spontaneous, from a gut level and to just approach an interesting person.
I don't have much advice about finding a partner right now, because that would suggest I actually know how to change the situation (which I don't).
I just know that I won't give up. I am always making some time to try out new places, meet new people. I also thought that maybe I should go travel alone for some time, because everybody says this gets you used to step out of your comfort zone and get in touch with strangers. I guess it's worth a try.
...............................
|
