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Where is the line between dating someone and being in a relationship with them?

Tagged as: Dating, Sex<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (2 April 2014) 5 Answers - (Newest, 2 April 2014)
A female United Kingdom age 30-35, anonymous writes:

I feel dumb asking this, as if the answer should be obvious, but where exactly is the line between dating someone and being in a relationship with them?

I've been seeing a guy for about a month now, though we met at the end of last year and you could say we became friends. I really like him :) During the past three weeks we've been on a few dates, and will text once every day or every other day when we don't have time to see one another. We've confided in each other to an extent, I've met his parents briefly, and when we're out together he'll hold my hand and stuff... do these things make him my boyfriend?

I'm asking because we're thinking of switching from using condoms to the pill alone during sex, and I really don't want to do that with someone who I'm only dating (because of pregnancy and STI concerns). I'm kind of inexperienced concerning all of this. What do you think? Should I just ask him where we stand? Advice would be very much appreciated! Thank you :)

View related questions: condom, text, the pill

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2014):

OP here. Thanks so much for the input everyone, you've given me a lot to reflect upon. I've rated all your answers :)

To clarify my reasoning on the contraception issue, I can't help thinking that condom-free sex seems more intimate somehow, and even though I know the pill is a very effective method, psychologically I can't be comfortable with giving up barrier protection before I know we're on the same page about what we are. Neither before I ask about his sexual health, because of course that's really important - and it goes both ways.

Anyway, everything is a bit clearer in my head now so thank you again!

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A male reader, Fatherly Advice United States + , writes (2 April 2014):

Fatherly Advice agony auntThe word Relationship is frequently misused in current usage.

To clarify, what you are asking is, "Where is the line between dating and an exclusive committed relationship." You see how those two words really answer the question. You are in a relationship when you are exclusive and committed to each other. As Cerberus mentioned there should be some sort of formal declaration.

Discontinuing the use of condoms for STI purposes needs exclusivity, heightening the risk of pregnancy needs Commitment.

I would say off the cuff that a dating relationship less than 3 months old doesn't have enough trust to guarantee exclusivity. A relationship less than 6 months old probably doesn't have a level of commitment high enough to risk a pregnancy.

So there is a definition to answer your question, and a bit of unsolicited advice. Read further if you are interested in Where I see your current relationship and why you think you are in more of a relationship than he thinks he is in.

Your relationship is currently at the insta-couple stage. You knew each other for a time then you went on a date. From that line on you have been in regular contact and have become sexual partners. Neither one of you is looking for another partner and your other friends see you as exclusive. You don't have depth or strength to the relationship yet. Tomorrow he or you may meet an outsider who you could fall for and the relationship. or you could have an argument and decide that you really aren't as compatible as you think you are.

You have been using a checklist to judge whether or not he is a boyfriend. In your heart your emotions have already cast the vote for him. A cagey guy will see that and quickly fill in the boxes on your check list. An indication of this is meeting his parents in the first month. That's way to early. For him it get's one step closer to his goal. What is his goal? Apparently one of his goals is to get past the condom use stage. He may have a marriage or committed relationship goal that is pushing him this way. anyway the end result is you look at your list and see he is 80% complete and your heart is voting yess so you are 99% of the way to declaring. He on the other hand is filling in boxes and keeping you happy so you don't dump him. But he could be only 10% in his heart committed to you. In other words he is yours until the cookies stop showing up. The simplest thing you can do to resolve this inequity is for you to add a few items to your checklist. The first should be that he talks to you about being exclusive. Asking you to forgo (barrier condom) protection. could be his way of doing that but it is not enough.

My lunch time is over and I've given you more than enough to think about.

Good Luck FA

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A female reader, Kay_NotSure United States +, writes (2 April 2014):

Kay_NotSure agony auntYes you should definitely ask if you guys are monogamous. I have to agree with Cerberus. You can still get STI/STD and pregnant. Im sure you are not thinking about any of that this early in the "relationship." Please continue to use condoms and get on the pill. Just to be safe and prevent pregnancy. Definitely have "the talk" with him to see where you guys are at.

Good luck!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2014):

How does being in a relationship lessen the need for condoms if you're concerned about pregnancy and STI's? He still may give you an STI, OP, and it doesn't suddenly make being on the pill alone somehow safer. Sorry, just confused about your logic there.

How you know is easy, OP, because you have "the talk" and make it official. Until you've both decided to make it official you're still only seeing each other. So yeah, ask him where you stand, if you're both ready then make it official. Piece of advice for peace of mind though, both go get tested for STI's before you stop using condoms, most can be symptomless. It doesn't matter if either of you were virgins, just to be safe, and it costs nothing.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2014):

The difference between dating someone and being in a relationship with them is very blurry and undefined because it means different things to different people.

To some people "dating" would simply mean going on dates but not having sex. To others it will mean that you are also having sex.

Generally, "dating" implies that the relationship is not exclusive and that both parties are free to date other people. And if you are the type of person who believes that sex is part of dating, this would presumably mean sex with other people would potentially be on the cards too.

Personally, I wouldn't let him take the rubber jacket off until I was sure that he wanted to be in an exclusive relationship with me.

I think you should ask him. There's no kind of signal or behaviour to look for. Plenty of guys seem to give off the right vibes at the right time but then turn out not to be as serious about us as we thought....

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