| A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: This is such a stupid thing I'm feeling. I consciously know it's stupid, but it's still there. You see, I'm dating a new guy after having had a very long, awful relationship. I've only been in that one relationship, and casually with a few guys... so my "number" is low.The new guy I'm dating was a good friend for a while, so we got to know each other quite well. So I know about his past... he's been with tons of girls. I know a few of them. Gorgeous girls. I'm so plain looking.Now, I'm not feeling jealousy or any of that. I feel quite secure with him, he makes me feel loved and I can tell he's happy with me. But I feel inadequate. I've always felt inadequate compared to people who've had more sex partners than I have, even if they are my friends or in this case a new partner. It makes me feel like an undesirable loser. I guess I feel maybe he's had better. I know that doesn't matter, as he loves me, but I can't help but feel well, inadequate, both sexually and physically.The first time we had sex I was so nervous I actually blurted out that I didn't have as much experience as he has so he should be patient with me. He was sweet and supportive about it, and he's very complimentary about how I look or after we have sex... but I still am not able to overcome it.Help please. I know this has nothing to do with him, and everything to do with me.
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male
reader, anonymus2012  +, writes (12 December 2013):
Having low numbers is what most of the guys look in for a girl. Regardless of what anybody can say here its just a fact that us, males prefer girls that haven't slerp with many people. The fewer the better. Please use this quality in your favor. Its a great thing. You can see hundreds of posts here from girls regreting to sleep with so many guys. And later in life it can lead to retroactive jealousy to your partner too. Same thing. Lots of post about RJ. Being promiscuous is not the answer. I like what april.garcia said: love yourself, respect yourself and use this opportunity with this guy to explore things in bed. That's spot on.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (10 December 2013):
 Sorry honey, but the bigger the number of sexual partners doesn't mean you are "better" at it.
The worst "lover" of the 4 men, I have been with was the one with an insane high number. He was selfish and actually pretty clueless.
Instead of worrying about him comparing you, talk about what YOU like, ask him what he likes and HOW he likes it. ENJOY the sex, enjoy the guy.
You are over-thinking everything and in the end, that can push a guy away. Because constantly having to reassure your partner that they ARE good enough (why else is he dating you?) IT IS draining and not very rewarding. It's giving, giving, giving.
Unless you haven't read many posts on here, the general consensus is that the MORE partners a woman have had the less "attractive" she seems in the yes of MANY guys. It's ridiculous really, but that is how it is.
Lighten up. ENJOY your man.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (10 December 2013):
 Numbers do not matter. You have low self esteem and do not think yourself good enough for him and unless you change tack or get to grips with why you feel so down on yourself I can 100% guarantee that it will destroy your relationship.
Life isn't perfect and there is no plan or goal and nobody is judging you. We meet people and we are either happy or not happy.
People with low self esteem tend to be their own worst judges and nobody else really cares if you do that to yourself or not...cos everyone else is just concerned with their own lives. It's your own negative thinking that makes you feel so awful and you set barriers in place:
I'm not good enough
I'm not pretty enough
I' haven't had enough sexual partners so that makes me a bad lover
etc etc... on and on...
and these negative thoughts reinforce your self hatred and make you project that onto other people and they get pissed off with it and they try to get away from you.
Of course some will try to comfort you and reassure you but the low self esteemers refuse to believe anything positive about themselves, because it's easier to listen to the negative voices in your head because it stops you having to fit in with the rest of the planet.
If something good happens to a low self esteemer they struggle and try to constantly test it and over think it because they can't quite accept that sometimes good stuff happens to everyone...even them.
Guys tend to prefer women who don't have an extensive sexual past, it doesn't really matter but that's just how most men are. You need to chill out and start enjoying this relationship...he loves you, accept and embrace it rather than trying to sabbotage it to prove to yourself that you are the lowest of the low and unloveable...because you are not...you are just like everyone else with their good and bad points and we. as humans, like that about eachother.
Forget all the stupid ex partner stuff, cos he doesn't care about it and neither should you.
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A
female
reader, april.garcia41 +, writes (10 December 2013):
Do not be insecure about yourself. Confidence is key and you should definitely not feel inadequate about having a low number. I've been with 9 guys since I was 17 (I'm 24) and trust me, that's not what helped pick up my self-eestem. In fact, when I carelessly had sex, I felt bad about myself. Love yourself, respect yourself, be comfortable in your own skin, and use your low number as an advantage. You're young and don't waste your time feeling inadequate. Oh yeah, use this opportunity with your guy to explore things in the bedroom. for all you know, you could be some vixen who just needs to come out of her shell in bed and let go. lol jk. i'm serious though.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2013): Correct, this is YOUR issue. Proving your desirability? One of the least attractive women I have ever known, both physically and her personality, had over 100 partners by the time she was 21-22. It really is not a challenge for women to notch the bedpost. It is only a question of how choosy you want to be with who you lay down with. Less choosy equals more partners. Guys are usually happier to find a girl who has fewer partners, not more.
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