A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am worried that my wife's attitude towards her relationship with my stepson is damaging our relationship. I met her when he was 11 years old. We have been married for 10 years, and he is a good, rounded lad at 21 now and in the army. He stayed for a visit for two weeks over Christmas, and she had clearly said to him "...do what you like, just treat this place as a base whilst you catch up with your friends...". Well, that's not what I would have said - so as a result he was out during the day, popping back to get changed and then off again for the evening. I REALLY struggle with all that back n forth and not knowing who is in or out of the house. That's just how I am and always have been. He mentions that he was bored, to which I suggested he take his mum for lunch (he wouldn't have thought of that himself!). She suspected that I had done this and had a right go at me, asking me "...to stop interfering...!" I am aggrieved at this, as it seems I am ok to bring him up for 10 years, but have no voice with regard to anything else. All advice welcomed! Thanks and Happy New Year!
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2022): Dear sir, your stepson has given-up his youth to serve his country; and to protect and preserve the freedoms of his follow citizens. That's an honorable thing, considering these times we live in.
He is an adult now, only on leave; so this "in and out" is only a temporary nuisance. I think being a soldier, he is disciplined enough to love and respect both you and his mother. She also owns the house, and doesn't need your permission to let her son have the freedom to come and go as he pleases; while he is at home on leave. He has no other home, except on the base where he is stationed for the moment. Why would he drag someone questionable into his family-home, who would be a threat to you or his own mother? He's trained to protect.
When he was just a kid, he had all sorts of restrictions and rules to follow in the house. Now he's an adult, and she is leaving it up to him to be responsible and mature. If your country will trust him with a gun, and to protect its citizens; I suppose popping in and out, while visiting and hanging out with his pals, is a small thing to ask.
My advice? You might suggest that he keep it down when he comes and goes; and be responsible about whom he invites into the family-home. If he were your biological-son, would things be any different? He owes you no special favors for being his stepdad. He didn't get to choose. I'm sure he loves you and appreciates what you've done.
He's not serving in my country; but if he was, I'd thank him for his service.
I would hope he would never have to go to battle; God forbid, if any tragedy should befall him, as his disturbances would be sorely missed. It's a little noisy perhaps, but he's not there for most of the time.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2022): Your son does not want to take wife out for lunch. He sees that as a waste of time. He wants to spend time going out and mixing with people of his own age, type and choosing.
Anyway he sees her every day when there. Your wife wants to be popular with him without feeling needy or interfering and she wants to know that when he does sit and chat with her it's because he chooses to, not because he has to. She does not want him to end up feeling bored or resentful towards her. So of course she sees "suggesting" he take her to lunch as interfering. That should have been his idea and choice not yours.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (4 January 2022):
 I think it's normal for a young adult being back "home" to be in and out of the house. My 19-year-old daughter is home on Christmas break from Uni and she is out and about or having friends over every other day. She does TELL me when friends are popping round, when she is out, if she is staying out overnight. So that is fine by me.
He is not your little boy anymore. And he will want to see ALL his friends while he can. And he should. It's pretty normal.
I think it was a nice gesture to suggest your son take his mom out for lunch, not sure why your wife thought that was "interfering".
You and your wife should perhaps have a little chat and see if you can find a good compromise here.
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