A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've been dating this girl for a little over a month. We have this amazing connection, not just physical but intellectually. She's perfect, except for one thing; I can't seem to be able to allow myself to feel more profound feelings for her. I guess I don't trust her. She's really played the field, and been with a lot of guys- she doesn't seem to keen on marriage, and very unsure about kids (I'm the total opposite on that), and she believes that love and passion usually exist for a period of 5 years and beyond that would be exceptional. I'm not sure if I should continue with this relationship, seeing that there may be no future, or should I continue to enjoy what we have without allowing myself to have deeper feelings- which is difficult for me! I'm afraid to fall in-love with this women!I've even taken steps to ask someone else out-I don't think I've experienced that level of closeness to someone- and the lovemaking is greater than anything I've ever experienced previously.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2008): You say you connect with her and feel she's perfect. It's only been a month, far to early for either of you to make any commitments or promises. What's the rush, take time to get to know each other. Maybe she has played the field in the past and you maybe the man to change her mind and convince her to settle down. It's much too early in this relatinship to put these kinds of issues to her. Just relax and have fun and let the relationship develop at it's own pace.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2008): Well, everything has two sides you see. What she is telling you could be the case, or it could also be her wall.Most women have some type of wall around them, rather it is to protect them from the immediate or the future. She tells you that she does not want marriage, children, long term commitment etc. Sometimes women feel that be expressing all of their long term goals with a life partner can potentially scare that partner away.You have only been with her a month... Give it a little time. When I first got my with my gf she told me the same things, and like your gf mine has played the field. I brought up some questions about what she wanted out of her life, future, family, etc. She said never wants to get married, probably does not want to have kids, and all that.almost a year later though, we are talking about spending our lives together, and getting married, and having children. It's possible that the walls she has built were built because of men in her past destroying some of those morals for her perspective.I know that my gf has a negative view of having children because she had an abortion. Her bf at the time of the pregnancy was very mean to her, emotionally abused her, and made it clear he wanted nothing to do with the child. Her outlook on children from that point was that bf+children=bad. It was not until she met me that some of those views had changed.Do not be discouraged so soon into the relationship. If these are where you and her split emotionally, give it time to come together. After all, it has only been a month. If a year from now nothing has changed with her, then maybe it is time to rethink some of these things. Also you did not mention your ages, but if you were both 17 1 year from now is not a big deal, but if you are both early 30's late 20's 1 year should be enough.
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A
male
reader, PeterPan  +, writes (13 May 2008):
 I often like to fall back on psychology when I answer questions like this. My thoughts here are if something in you makes you pause about creating a deeper connection with this woman, then I would say you should listen to that little voice. I would guess that it's your since of morality and desire conflicting with each other -- "Do I enjoy the here and now with this woman (desire) or do I keep a wall up because in the long run she doesn't seem to want to create a deeper relationship (based on your sense of it - children, marriage, etc.)?"
Again, I would say that if you are having these kind of thoughts, pay attention to them. Unless she changes gears and wants a more committed, traditional relationship, then the future will not happen as you want.
As far as the 5 year limit she's seemed to have created, it sounds like she's already told you that your term will be about that of most country's presidents. You could do exactly what you're doing - date around, have fun... unless you have some kind of exclusive commitment to each other, I don't see a reason why you should cut yourself off from exploring to find the woman that best fits you and your goals for a happy life.
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