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I'm a woman in love with another woman. But she is denying her feelings. Where do I go from here

Tagged as: Gay relationships, Long distance<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (9 January 2007) 15 Answers - (Newest, 3 December 2009)
A United States, *elsi writes:

I'm a 45 year old female in love with another female. She is married and loves her husband as a friend but say's she hasn't loved him for 6 years. She said she got married to get away from her step dad. We have been terrible flirts with each other and have shared a lot of personal feelings with each other. She has told me stuff like, "I miss you more than you know, and I love you tons and tons, and I wish I could be near you". (because we live 1200 miles away from each other now) She also says, "You are not second fiddle, you are first always!!!" Once I asked her if she wanted to run away with me and on her next email she said at the end of the email "And yes, I would like to run away" So I finally broke down and told her I thought we had more than feelings of friendship for each other and she came back and said she never thought of our relationship like that and she was surprised by my comments. She said she was sorry if she went overboard with our friendship that led me to believe she felt more for me than "best friends". She said most of what she was saying was just her being silly. Now I know her very well and I am saying that she is just denying her feelings for me because they scare the hell out of her. Is it possible for her to be in love with me but to deny it anyway??? Where do I go from here? Do I back off and see if she comes to me?? Please help me with your advice, I'm totally in the dark here.

Thank you

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A female reader, summerdolfin United States +, writes (3 December 2009):

Good to know I'm not the only one. I am a 34 year old female married with 2 kids and love my husband, but seven and a half years ago i kissed a girl; and

i like it. it made me feel; correction, she made me feel amazing and no one had ever or has yet to

make me feel the way she did. It was like when our lips touched everything around me stopped and my

body drained of any feeling I had and then my chest exploded with a feeling so warm and it radiated into my

head, out my fingers and down to my toes. That feeling still has a place in my heart

today. BUt, that's as far as her and I went. She knew I was hurt

and confused and she didn't take advantage of me and to that I respect her for it.

Not to say I never thought about her again, because I did. For a long time it was every day.

Then it kind of subsided to maybe twice a week. This went on for 71/2 years and then it

was like it happend all over again the other day. I saw her at the store and ever since

then it is like she we kissed all over again and i didn't even touch her. I can not get

her off my mind. I go to sleep thinking of her, i wake up thinking of her and 99.9% of

my day i spend thinking of "what if"..... I'm married and have two kids, and me and her

are like total opposites. I would actually just enjoy to go to lunch or a movie with her

strictly as friends, but I would be afraid. Afraid that I wouldn't be able to control my

emotions. She is a good person and I would never do nothing to hurt her. Which is why

I am kind of iffy on trying to contact her about a movie. She doesn't like to be alone and

she needs to find someone who cares and loves her. Therefore, I don't want to contact her due to

the fact I don't want to interfere with her finding a relationship, knowing we could never be a

couple, but at the same time I want her friendship and I want to be there for her if she needs me

cause she was there for me. What do I do?????

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2009):

Good to know I'm not the only one. I am a 34 year old female married with 2 kids and yes i love my husband, but seven and a half years ago i kissed a girl; and

i like it. it made me feel; correction, she made me feel amazing and no one had ever or has yet to

make me feel the way she did. It was like when our lips touched everything around me stopped and my

body drained of any feeling I had and then my chest exploded with a feeling so warm and it radiated into my

head, out my fingers and down to my toes. That feeling still has a place in my heart

today. BUt, that's as far as her and I went. She knew I was hurt

and confused and she didn't take advantage of me and to that I respect her for it.

Not to say I never thought about her again, because I did. For a long time it was every day.

Then it kind of subsided to maybe twice a week. This went on for 71/2 years and then it

was like it happend all over again the other day. I saw her at the store and ever since

then it is like she we kissed all over again and i didn't even touch her. I can not get

her off my mind. I go to sleep thinking of her, i wake up thinking of her and 99.9% of

my day i spend thinking of "what if"..... I'm married and have two kids, and me and her

are like total opposites. I would actually just enjoy to go to lunch or a movie with her

strictly as friends, but I would be afraid. Afraid that I wouldn't be able to control my

emotions. She is a good person and I would never do nothing to hurt her. Which is why

I am kind of iffy on trying to contact her about a movie. She doesn't like to be alone and

she needs to find someone who cares and loves her. Therefore, I don't want to contact her due to

the fact I don't want to interfere with her finding a relationship, knowing we could never be a

couple, but at the same time I want her friendship and I want to be there for her if she needs me

cause she was there for me. What do I do?????

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A reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2009):

I am in the same painful position as you. I am in love with my best friend too who is a woman. Now I have a fiance and me and him have had a great relationship and I love him, but when I am with my best friend, an ache in my heart just kills me inside. I treasure every minute I have with her, and hate when I leave her. I have dreams of her and think about her constantly. When i need to think of something that makes me happy when I'm down, instead of thinking of my fiance, I think of her and I get a smile on my face. Now I think deep down she has some feelings for me. Because at one time, she became affectionate towards me. One night I took her to her car and instead of getting out immediatly she sat in the car and looked at me and it was silent, the look at her eyes is that she wanted something to happen, but I was terrified to do anything, I froze. Then when she left I was beating myself up about it. Then one day we were headed to dallas and she reached over and grabbed my hand, for no reason, and we held hands for several mins. Then when we were hanging out in our friends hotel room, she came and layed down next to me and layed her head on my stomach and got as close as she could. Then when I stayed the night at her house, when we were asleep, she tangled her legs up in mine, and rolled over facing me. I fought myself trying to reach over and hold her, but was so damn scared. Then one point she woke up and I felt her eyes on me, just staring at me. She did this for a long time, then went through a phase of dating wild dudes but never seemed happy. Now she is dating guy but they have had problems and he is all wrong for her. Is this a way for her to hide her feelings and lash out? She did tell me one day she dated a girl in high school, and thought she was gay? Her sister told me one day she thinks she is and her parents say the same thing. I love her so much and want to be with her, but I am so scared of losing her as a friend if it's all untrue. I am to the point of drowning in my pain, and trying to keep my feelings hid from my fiance so he doesnt know. I dont know how long I can go on like this. I am just waiting for the moment when the guy leaves her and she comes running to me, she always comes to me when a guy dumps her.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2009):

I kinda know how u feel. I am falling for this girl who is in a relationship with another girl. This girl tells me how she cares for me that I'm hot and she loves my simle and she keeps me up at night and texts me 24 7 and we flirt like crazy. She still says we r just friends. I don't know what to do should I tell her I am falling for her?

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A reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2008):

There is not much I could say aince in my situation we flirt and when we kissed she blamed it on the beer. Well I dont think it was the beer since I recall every little detail.I know I am falling for her and when I asked her if it was ok she didnt know what to day and blurted "NO! It was nice but no!" After a few days we went in the car somewhere and when I brought her back to her car we just looked in each others eyes but no one moved, my heart was pounding and I wonder was hers pounding too? I felt we needed to just do this but I was petrified. We have not spoken about the "night". I call her every few days to hear her voice and to see if she needs anything- my heart sinks, there is silence here and there in the conversation and I hear her breathing, drives me crazy. As a heterosexual I never ever have felt like this. I know I have to just come out and say it, I want to ease the pain Im in.To have her and keep her as a best friend will be hard but Ill be ok.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2008):

I am ina very similar situation. My friend is divorced with a 4 year old. I am married with 2 children. I told her that I was a lesbian and had known I was gay since I was 20. I'm now 35. We are awesome together. We love our kids together, work together, and hang out together. She told me right away that she has often thought about being a lesbian but loves men. I never pushed the issue and told her that I would never hit on her. Oh how hard that has been. She is always calling me or e-mailing me "just to say hi." I really feel like there is a connection there, but she always brings up how she likes guys. Well, last night, we were drinking and talking and all of the sudden she says, "oh my God, I really want to kiss you right now." I just shook my head in disbelief. (Dummy, I should have grabbed her and kissed her, but I didn't know if it was just the booze talking.) Then she contiues with how she wouldn't know what to do with a woman or even how to kiss a woman. Iknow that I'm not really giving any advise, but to let you know that someone is in the same boat as you. I am going to ask her up front why she said what she said and ask her about US. Godd luck

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2008):

am glad to know I am not the only one in this position. Am presently head over heels with another woman.just sent her flowers anonymously (she will know) Love is crazy

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2007):

i say things like i miss you and i love you to all my friends too... maybe it's all in your mind... forget about it, girl to girl relationship never works... =)

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2007):

oh i know just how you feel see i love a woman but she only loves me as a friend and its really hard for me to deal with. we have kissed but thats all we are both married and love our husbands. but i love her so much it hurts to leave her house when its time for me to go home im hoping one day her fealings will get stronger for me so i hope your thing works out for you and that you find the happiness that you long for

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A reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2007):

you have a choice of keeping it going or stopping it.....if you get from her all the things that satisfy you....what matters after that...i have many people in my life that have told me what i thought i wanted to hear...."I'am In Love With You".....only to have my "Heart Broken"...today the words i want to hear is."I Love You"...

and forget the "I'am in Love With You"..Big Difference!!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2007):

O f course you should be her friend, hun. It sounds like she still holds you in high regard! I think she is saying, 'she feels bad about what she had to tell you-that she is not interested in a romantic relationship. But that she still admires you and regards you a good friend'.

So if you do want to continue this relationship with her-do not go into this expecting her to change her mind. She has made it plain to you, that she is not into the type of relationship that you want. So leave this alone, do not say anything to her again about this. It's done...now just be a platonic, good, freind to her and go find some other love opportunity, elsewhere. .

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A reader, kelsi United States +, writes (12 January 2007):

kelsi is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Okay I told the woman how I felt, I told her we seemed to have more than just feelings of friendship for each other and she denied it. I thought maybe she would stop communicating with me but she hasn't. She has since tried to make sure I don't back away from her. In fact the following is part of an e-mail she sent me: "I WANT YOU TO COME TO SEE ME IN FLORIDA!!!! TALK TO YOU LATER!! LOVE AND MISS YOU TONS! XOXOXOXOXOXOX BECKY". I'm not sure what to make of it. She also sent the following e-mail: "I still consider you my best friend!!! I still at some point, if I ever get to florida, want you to come visit me! NOTHING has changed (for me) between us!!! So, LET'S PUT THIS ALL BEHIND US AND MOVE ON!!!!! Hey! have a great day and I will talk to you later!!! Love and miss you tons!! Talk to u later!! xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo Becky"

Is it possible if we continue what appears to be a great friendship and she is denying her feelings RIGHT NOW that she will eventually tell me how she really feels??

Help me out here please.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2007):

Hi i swear people can be way too patronising on here! Anyway im so sorry it sounds like you have been really hurt by this and maybe all she needed was a friend but maybe not.

I dont think we can judge as we do not know her personally but i think right now you have to decide if you can put your feelings to one side and be the best friend she needs or if this is to painful to do.

She will only tell you how she feels when she is ready so perhaps you should just tell her to forget you said it and try to be normal again, its unfair to feel the way you do and im sure she is now feeling confused and maybe guilty too.You need to be there for eachother.

I dont think you can be sure she is denying her feelings but you cant be certain she isnt either as there are execptions to both as women do have close bonds as the others have said but some also do want female relationships but are too scared to say or dont even realise it themselves.

You simply need to be there for her as a friend regardless of how you feel which is so hard.And please dont feel like your stupid for not realising this its hard to be gay and not know if people feel the same way its not your fault its not obvious when your in love and want to be loved back. But they say that if you love someone you'll let them go.good luck x

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A reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2007):

I am sorry that you thought since this woman was in a marriage where she does not love her husband and wanted a close female friendship with you meant that she must be looking for a female lover in you.

As you know women's friendships are often very emotionally close and we are able to be intimate with each other in only the way two women can be, and we need those female friendships in our lives as the ones we have with men are often lacking in intimacy or lacking in frequency of intimate moments and understanding and even caring somtimes.

We can laugh and we can bond and be very close and still not be sexually attracted, it is called being a heterosexual, and I guess if you are a homosexual and had those desires of finding a romance, you may have been upfront about all that from the beginning....were you? Because if you had she could have let you know what her sexual orientation was....she may very well love you, but as a very good girlfriend, not a lover You get that right?

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A reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2007):

Her words of endearment to you, sound much like the sort of thing a sad, unhappy, lonely married woman would say to another woman, when she just wants support, attention and friendship. Women bond, we encourage and help each other. Maybe she was looking just for that from you. It doesn't necessarily mean she wanted a romantic, a love relationship, dear. You say she's denying her feelings? You can't read her mind about how she really feels about you, hun and it doesn't matter that you think 'your friend is denying her feelings'. She's told you what she thinks. You have to stop ignoring that and accept it. She cleared that all up by telling you, she said she was behaving silly and apologized. Or is she did say it with the intent of connecting with you...just realize people sometimes say things that may have been true in the moment, but are no longer true. Let it go. Simply continue treating her as a good friend.. or retreat out of her life, if you feel you can't handle the pain of knowing she's not interested in anymore than a friendship.

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