A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi all. Im stuck in a situation that is difficult for me to talk about due to embarrassment. Im a sex addict and have been dating the same man for going on 5 years now. At first, our sex life was incredible. I thanked god for sending me a man that could finally keep up with my sex drive. A few months went by, and my guy ended up messing around on me for god knows why? and he ended up getting busted by myself pretty hard. After all that mess happened, he changed into a total different guy. He started to become more distant when it came to having sex with me. It used to be all the time we would have sex, then after he got caught cheating he then "took the wall down" from blocking me from sex on average of once every 5 days. He and I have had many talks about how im addicted to sex and the side effects I get if I don't get any for awhile. He was totally understandable of my situation after awhile and apologized saying that he will make things better. But as time progressed he became worse. Withholding sex from me longer and longer. When I would come talk to him about it, he has now become a very angry guy that doesn't want to even hear me talk about it. He just ends up yelling at me over it. So not only am I dealing with the crazy side effects that come with withdrawals of sex but also have him not being there for me understanding what im going thru and yells at me which makes me feel even more pushed away then I already am. I do love the guy and that's the whole reason why I haven't left him or cheated on him myself. We also have a promise with each other to not masturbate but to rather save ourselves for each other. Ive bluntly asked him if my needs were too much for him and if he cant fulfill my needs then just let me know and we can work something out. But he swears hes able to "keep up with me". Ive also let him know that going an average of 5 days before having sex I cant handle. But now as of today its been 11 days. And he's been getting upset with me lately for being so quiet around him. Im quiet due to me fighting with myself in my head to not allow the evil side effects to win over me. Ive told him this, he says he understands but still assumes im pushing him away due to my actions. Hes not a sex addict and Ive asked him to please do some research on sex addict withdrawals to better understand what I deal with. But he just gets more and more upset and screams at me about it all anymore. What should I do?
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sex addict, sex drive, sex life Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (1 February 2017):
 Honestly I don't think he is the right man for you. I really do feel you need to think to yourself why you are in this relationship.
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (1 February 2017):
 You need a new boyfriend, OP. Staying with this one won't change anything.
What I would say also (not specifically to you, OP) is that not everyone can orgasm often, even if their partner is attentive and unselfish. However, you (OP) need a guy who can keep up and won't cheat/hasn't cheated on you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2017): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI started to think that maybe he doesn't understand how with holding effects me. So I made an example experiment with his needs. He smokes & drinks. So 1 day I grabbed his cigarette pack & lighter & had them in my control. I flaunted the cigarettes to him then close the lid back on the pack. When he asked me for a smoke, I made up a reason why I couldn't give him one. He did start getting upset but also did say that he understands what I feel like now. Even tho he didn't even last an hour with me having his cigarettes. I told him that it's not quite the same. He could always go to the store and "buy another pack"... but I can't just "go out to buy my needs" ( well I could, but sure as hell isn't something I'd lower myself too ).
And to answer your question, I can't honestly say if he's still cheating on me or not. I'd pray to God he wasnt. But you never know with him dragging me thru what he has already AFTER proposing to me. He is capable of doing it again you never know.
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female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (31 January 2017):
What does not make sense about your relationship, is he only started with holding sex after he got caught cheating. It sounds like emotional abuse, he is holding back the one thing he knows will drive you insane. It seems very controlling behavior. Is he still cheating? Does he show affectionate and love? honestly addiction or not I could not be with a man like this.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2017): What I do not understand is your therapist. Why would she want you to stay with a person who is emotionally abusing you. You say he yells at you.....Abuse. You say he with holds sex from you maybe at first it was not abuse but it sure is now. Look at your letter...Reread it...Tell me why you are with someone who is treating you like dirt.personally I think the sex addict thing is not true. I think maybe your therapist made that up so she can keep the money coming. I really think your problem is not orgasming enough so you are not satisfied so you keep craving the satisfaction you need. Get some toys and use them on yourself until you reach orgasm. Once you are satisfied you will see you are not a sex addict but just someone who needed to get off. After all that put your focus on a man who will actually take his time to satisfy you and not be such a selfish lover which is what your boyfriend is now.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2017): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes I have asked my therapist. She said that she's my view on this situation but you can't "lead a helpless horse to water & MAKE them drink" which makes sense to me. I know I can't "make somebody do things" I'm only hoping & praying that an attempt to make things better would show itself. I'm doing all I possibly can in my power to make our relationship better. And your right that it seems like he's not. It's very frustrating to me. That's why I look for all of your advice.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (30 January 2017):
 Have you asked your therapist on how to approach this?
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (30 January 2017):
You're not compatible, I'm afraid. I know you love him, OP, but he's not helping you try to fix things, which means he doesn't care about doing so. He's fine with how it is and doesn't want to help with the issues you have by going to therapy together.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2017): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo answer all your questions so you can better understand the situation.... yes I am getting help for my addiction, as well as doing research to better help my situation on my computer. Its not a very easy thing to deal with. I don't ask him for sex everyday, but when it gets to be 5 days since we had sex last I begin to get the withdrawal symptoms and that is when I approach him to talk to him about it. I know its too much to ask for somebody to have sex everyday. Besides it would become overplayed / boring if you have sex that much. Ive asked him if my needs were too much for him to know & he replied not at all. I don't get off/orgasm every time we have sex. Once a month is about average of how much im able to orgasm but he gets off everytime. Ive asked him if he would go to a couples therapist to see what may be the problem & I told him I would pay for whatever amount the insurance wont cover. But he told me no he wouldn't. He has given me many excuses on why he didn't want to give me sex on different days so I don't know what to believe anymore. Now hes telling me that his body is getting old & slowing down on him. But hes 4 years younger than I am (Im 38 & hes 34). I completely understand that our sex drives currently don't match anymore, not like it once did in the beginning of our relationship. My problem is the way he reacts towards me when I try to talk to him about this situation makes me feel like im being pushed away by him & only inconveniencing his time by having a talk with him to better understand the situation. It just bothers me due to me being there for him for ANYTHING he may need from the day we met until this very moment. Even thru all the heartbreaking events he has put me thru.... Ive still stayed by my side. I stay with him due to my love for him. That's why I want to find out answers that will make our relationship better & be able to enjoy life together with happiness.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2017): Do you orgasm when you have sex? If not then this is a state called nymphomania where one seeks contineous sex in pursuit of catching that elusive thing called orgasm. Frankly it is not fair or practical to demand sex from your partner every day. No guy can put up with it for over a long period of time even if he was a porn star.
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (28 January 2017):
Are you a "sex addict" or do you just have a high sex drive? There is a BIG difference there.
If you are an "addict" it is YOUR issue - yes, he has to live with it but he can't FIX it for you.
Are you getting counseling for the "addiction"?
And do you realize that it's NOT his job to give you your "sex fix" on demand just because he is dating you?
As I see it?
You two have totally different sex drives. Yours is high and his is lower. He doesn't LIKE being told to perform to give you your fix, it makes him feel like a walking dildo. THAT is my guess. He cheated on you, but that doesn't mean he OWES you sex.
If you were an alcoholic would you also expect him to provide drinks on demand?
I think IF you have a higher NEED for release then WHY on Earth not masturbate? I might give YOU (and him) some breathing room when it comes to sex. Otherwise, it's easy to perceive you as a sex-pest.
However, it seems like he is checking out of the relationship. First, he cheated and now is he not really interested in sex either.
So my advice?
Find out if it IS actual addiction or just high sex drive. If it is an addiction get some counseling/therapy and DEAL with this issue.
Secondly, figure out if this relationship is STILL any good and have a talk with him (not about the sex) but about how to make it work. Or end it.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (28 January 2017):
You need therapy for sex addiction and you need couples counselling because the way he's handling it is not fair - but he also shouldn't have sex with you if he's not in the mood to.
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