A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone, I am a mom of 3 and I am unhappily married. I want to move on with my life but my husband won't let me go. He is abusive physically and emotionally and I tried to leave him before but because of my lack of support and faith I let him come back. I want this relationship to come to an end but I am afraid. My family and my husband tell me to suck it up because I am going to end up going out there and getting used by men because no man will want me with 3 kids. I feel so low and trapped and weak. I feel like I am going to runaway because everytime he is in my life nothing goes right. I don't know what to do. I want to start living again but how?
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male
reader, eddie85  +, writes (18 October 2012):
 Please accept my sympathies.
It sounds like you need some sort of support system. Making the jump from marriage and a roof over your head -- even though it is miserable -- takes a leap of faith and a lot of courage. I am sure you are also thinking about the impact that your decision would have on your children. Sadly, if you do decide to go, it will be traumatic. Accept that fact but know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
Here are my suggestions:
First off, if you are truly in a physically abusive relationship, you must get help NOW. That means you see a therapist so they can give you the tools you need or you call the police the next time it happens. I've read about far too many women who think it is their duty to take their husband's beatings in silence and they wind up dead or injured. Please don't let me read about you in the newspaper.
Secondly, enlist a friend or a family member to help you. It is very hard to leave on your own. If you have a place to stay or someone who can help you or even just listen to you, it will make a world of difference.
Thirdly, find AND hire a lawyer. They can put spousal support in place and can get orders of protection written. They can also advise you on how to handle your living situation and help set up visitation for your children. They will be the front line soldier in your fight for independence.
Finally, you really have to come to terms that your husband is likely NOT going to change; at least not enough of a chance to literally stake your LIFE on it.
Also, do not worry about your future love life. Yes, it will be more of a challenge to find a mate with three children in tow -- but women with multiple children DO find love and happiness. You are still young enough to find that special someone. However, at this point though, your primary concern should be to make yourself safe and provide as much stability for your children. The right man will come when your own "house" is in order and not a moment sooner.
Feel free to reach out to me or another member here for support, but do take action. Your life could depend upon it.
Eddie
A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (17 October 2012):
 It is sad to see the words unhappily and married in the same sentence. There is happiness out there you should focus on it as a goal and take tiny steps towards that goal. Make your plans in secret and keep you kids safety and future in mind at every step of the way. Leave pain behind you. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2012): Hi,Sorry to hear about all this, I was also previously trapped in an extrememly unhappy controlling relationship. It isn't quite as easy as just "finding the strength" as so many would say, I know.By posting this however you've shown the desire to genuinely break away. Firstly, go to a lawyer, (we all say they're too expensive yet most citizens advice bureaus or similar WILL have services you, if you can't afford one, simply call your local council!), they will give you the full reassurance you need re. your children. Also, many people try to use their kids as bait, don't rise to it and ignore it when he does, it's a matter for the courts. If he gets abusive, write a diary in a notebook with every discussion re. the kids, date and time as detailed as it can be, for court reference.Afterwards, either save, or borrow money or whatever to rent a place of your own, or have a family network FULLY in place, secretly, that way when you are ready to leave you are READY to leave. Many people are left stuck with the idea that they will have no place to go, or they leave and have no place and go running back. At the same time, perhaps start putting a few of you most valued possessions in the new place/a trusted person's house. That generally is the cut-off point, when they realise you don't need the same roof as them, TRUST me. I understand what you're going through, but it's true, actions speak louder than words. I was with a controlling man for years, you should have seen his face the day I left already having a new place and my irreplaceables all moved, knowing he had lost control over me. Good luck
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A
male
reader, MikeEa1  +, writes (17 October 2012):
 I agree with what the women on this post have said. it gets complicated with a whole family but the priority is to live your life the way you want. Your life belongs to you and you should control it as you don't have anything else. Make your life your own and get rid of the toxic people that are bringing you down. Saying this I know it is hard. seek help and you will get there eventually.
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A
female
reader, troubleweb  +, writes (17 October 2012):
Bless you, I have been where you are, twice actually and for the 3rd time, I've ended up in a trapped situation. What I will tell you is at 33 with a 12yr old and a 9yr old, being mentally and physically controlled, I did leave, and for the 1st time in my Adult life I had money left over from my pay after the bills each week. I met a great guy, and married him, we were married for 13yrs, and down to my own Mid Life Crisis, I fouled up and that marriage ended. What I'm trying to tell you is that you can do it, you may think that you've nowhere to go and will have no material things, but believe me, there is always someone willing to help, it may be a friend that you forgot about from school etc. Please give yourself some credit and do not be afraid. x I wish you all that is good in this world x
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