A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone, I would really appreciate your HONEST opinion about something that's been plagueing me for many years now. I really would like to know why this continues happening to me time and time again.A shy, quiet girl at school who was sensitive to critism.. I was continuously bullied and ridiculed throughout my entire school life. I was physically beaten a few times at school, when I'd attempted to defend myself against the bullies.. but nothing stays with you longer than the memories of the emotional abuse kids can put you through - the backstabbing from people I trusted, who decided to join in with those who bullied me. I'm 26 years old now, but remembering back to those times still brings a tear to my eye. I had a few friends when I was young, but have only ever had one true friend in my life - the man I have been with for the past 8 years.Being shy at school, I always struggled to make friends and constantly questioned why I never felt like I belonged.. what was wrong with me.. the more I tried to fit in and be accepted into a group, the harder it seemed to be. Unfortunately, even now that I'm in my twenties, I'm still asking myself that same question.I am tall slim and what I suppose is reasonably attractive. There is no obvious physical reason why I was bullied during my school life and why I've had trouble making girlfriends. It almost makes it MORE hurtful knowing it's not a physical reason.. because I feel it must be the person I am that's the problem. The problem I've had, ever since leaving school, is that every girlfriend I've made, has only ever turned out to be someone who has taken advantage of my kind nature. To make a genuine friend, I"ve always believed you need to meet that person halfway.. but it always turns out that for me, I've always met them 80% of the way.7 years ago, I met a girl the same age as me and thought of her as a sister. We would go to parties together, have a few drinks together, meet each other for lunch regularly. She was having problems with her abusive boyfriend and I did everything I could to help. Having never been through the situation myself, I gave her the best advice I could.. I listened to her endlessly and was her shoulder to cry on anytime. I was continuously supportive and encouraging and did my best to boost her confidence so she would know she could survive without this awful man in her life. She eventually broke off the relationship and began to make new girlfriends. Suddenly, over the space of a few weeks.. I was virtually forgotten about. A couple of years later, I became close friends with this girl's sister and had a similar experience. I became more like a counsellor who didn't get paid. The girl was trapped in a relationship with a guy who would regularly cheat on her. I was always there for support, free rides.. I just wanted to help and also felt that in the end, these girls would appreciate having such a loyal friend and I would finally have what I always wanted - girlfriends that accepted me and appreciated me for who I am.When both of them started to gain confidence and get their lives back on track, I never really heard from them much again, unless I contacted them to see how they were doing. They only ever wanted to know me when things turned sour and they wanted some emotional support. Eventually, we just became acquaintances that pass each other by on the street with a "Hello" and a smile, but I have always wondered why I never meant anything to these girls.One of these girls had her engagement party recently, and I didn't even get so much as an invite. The friend that had been there for her and seen her through her hardest times, yet she invited people she's only recently met. Some of these girls I happen to know wouldn't care less to hear about what she's been through, far less be the friends to her that I was. I really just don't understand why this continues happening in my life. I never have any problem making male friends, but when it comes to girls, I never seem to register on their list of priorities.. as hard as I try to earn my place as that loyal, honest, trustworthy friend I so desperately wish I had for myself. Recently, a girl I work with (who I considered a good friend of mine) had a death in the family. I asked my boss if I could take time off work for the morning and went into town and bought her her favourite cake and a chocolate brownie to surprise her at morning tea. She took it, thanking me for being 'such a great friend'.. but I have barely heard from her since.If you have any idea why this is happening to me, or if you have been in a similar situation, please let me know. I would love to hear your thoughts.Thanks so much for reading.
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bullied, confidence, emotionally abusive, gain confidence, I work with, my boss, shy, trapped Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2008): Maybe this is because as you say, you "struggle" to make friends. You may approach the wrong persons, that are nothing like you. There must be a number of selection criteria on your side too, don't forget to take this into account. Friends can be different, but not too different, like the rain and a sunny day. There can be other better examples. You know those silly online tests that show a degree of compatibility between people? You must evaluate in your mind how well you can get along with different people, and treat the result as such. We can be wrong in our predictions, yet we can use them as starting points. You may come off as a bit extreme. I know a person who is sweet like honey that sometimes can appear a bit phoney as people who are not capable of such kindness or at least not used to it tend to label it strange. That makes sense if you ponder over it. It's like you not only tell your guests "here are your shoes" but you hurry to fit the shoes in their feet. I am assured of your best intentions but I must say: look around and see how other people make friends and react generally, if they seem to be more laid back and distant you better copy that attitude and adjust it to your style and not do anything very different. People avoid different. It's a fact. Pursue your interests that can have you work in teams or give you the possibly to enlarge your social circle (like joining a club). Ask your male friends to acquaint you to their girlfriends. Focus on your boyfriend if you have one. Taking time off work for your colleague was a lovely gesture but a bit drastic: you should have instead asked her first if she needed your support. Don't be surprised if you're hit with a "(I appreciate it but) I never asked for it." Tough, but not highly unlikely! Some are like this. Stop counting on people's gratitude. Some will get too used to kind gratuitious gestures, become complacent and 'expect' that you continue presenting your help. Especially that you ask nothing in return, except maybe just "be minded". Also stop considering everyone your friend, make them earn this title as you do, by showing you reliability. I am sure that given the fact you were bullied in school you are eager to make friends and somehow be compensated for such harsh times but another accost is required. Be kind especially to those who you consider deserve it and watch out that you are not taken advantage of, nor sacrifice all you have to give. In order to be good friends to others you must be firstly a very good friend to yourself. Don't disregard your interests or let people walk all over you. You remind me of a person who felt compelled to offer her things to everyone she met or passed her threshold. A friend of mine managed to talk her out of this habit.
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