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female
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anonymous
writes: I'm 40. My marriage is a failure. I am unable to enjoy sex with my husband. He just wont hear of a divorce. He wants me to change to his ways. I have been trying to make him happy for the past 15 long years but now I feel fed up with him and with life too. If it wasn't for my kids I would have resorted to suicide. I dread the nights because I have to hear his non-stop criticisms. According to him I'm selfish. Perhaps I am but it is only because I have had enough of this dreary life. I hate the way he uses me for sex. I hate his touch and his kisses. I dont know how to cope anymore. Please help
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2006): Understand completely! I've been married for 19 years...put up w/adultery, verbal (and twice he tried to hit me)abuse and criticism. I work outside the home...and thank God I do...if not, we would not have a home, furniture, etc. We have seperate accounts and if my daughter or I need anything...it comes out of my account. I basically have a roommate!
A
female
reader, carebear  +, writes (22 June 2006):
 sorry to say this but i think you a re suffering from depression. yes you have been married a while and yes some things hubby does must get on your goat lol but you say you have been trying to make him happy what about you. you see if you were happy and hubby thinks if you have sex cause that's what makes him happy then you will be happy to do you get what i mean? you need to do things for you to make you happy what makes you think you will be happier if your divorced? talk to him your marrage may not be a failure and got to add someimes hitting 40 and i know you think god life is passing me by got to do something quick lol it's not like that as they say life can sometimes begin at 40 (i wish) lol but you have invested a lot of times in this marrage try to make it work and if it don't work out then you can say you gave it your best shot and move on also go to your gp and dicuss your thoughts with him as it's only because you are feeling this way you are thinking this but you have actually took a big step and sent in your post which means yo are wanting some help wishing you all the best.
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A
female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (22 June 2006):
 Hi dear, I do understand what you feel. My first marriage ended like yours is, with revulsion and anger.
You don't say whether he or the two of you have taken any steps to try to repair the rift(s) that have led you to this point in your life. Has he made any effort to compromise or correct his behaviours? Have you? Have you talked about working collectively to solve the problems? Is he willing to try marital counselling? Are you?
After 15 years, you'd be selling yourself (and him) short if you don't make an effort to repair the problems. If you haven't yet, then please talk with your husband, telling him that you feel that your marriage is headed south, and ask if he's noticed it. Don't get me wrong, I love men generally, but sometimes they can be surprisingly thick about noticing these things, and he may think everything's just... strained. He may not be aware of how thoroughly tense and angry you are.
OK, having made the inevitable recommendation, I can move on. Say you've tried counselling, or you just don't care any more and want to end this unhappiness. You need to think about leaving and what you'd do, or you need to think about what would happen if you asked him to leave.
Look at your finances and think positively. What can you afford to do with separate living arrangements? Do you need to ask him to leave, so you can stay in your home with the kids? Would you want full custody? Would there likely be a blow-up if you asked him to separate? If so, can you get a friend in to support you when you speak to him?
Try to tackle the issues surrounding a separation one at a time. Looked at collectively (I know this from experience) it seems too big, too hard. Start with one issue: do you want a divorce? Answer yourself and then move on to the next biggest issue after you get your answer.
Many cities and towns have low-cost legal advisors who would be able to give you a starting point and answer some of your questions. Look in the government section of the phone listings under "legal" and give them a ring.
You sound very unhappy, but you can take steps to fix that. Just be brave.
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A
female
reader, camille +, writes (22 June 2006):
 Hate is a strong word but it sounds like you really need to be away from this man. You say he won't hear of divorce, but what about you? There rae so many words in what you wrote that jump out at me, and it's worrying how he seems to have all the control. If you want to leave, leave him. Marriage is not just about what he wants. It sounds like he is very manipulative. Please seek professional help as the talk of suicide is unhealthy. You have a lot to live for, and not just your kids. You can find happiness if you start again on your own. You are a person with needs not put on this earth to gratify his. I am sensing that you have felt like this for such a long time and it's not just a recent thing. It's time to get your life back. Be brave and go. There is help out there for you if you look and ask. The physical pressure sounds awful and it sounds like you're past the point of trying to talk to him and save your marriage, otherwise that may hva ebeen my first suggestion. Good luck and I hope you find the inner strength that is inside you.
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