A
male
age
41-50,
*hwilly
writes:My wife of 3.5 years has just left after a fight and said she needed some time and space. I have been fighting depression for some few years now and did not know it until last week when I saw a psychiatrist. I have been verbally abusive to her and she has put an emotional wall against our relationship. She has left before (1 week) and came back for me only to go back to being a jerk a few weeks later. I have been seeing a counselor and making changes for the better, but she still will not come home. It's been almost two weeks now. We don't cheat and lie to each other ever, and she is my best friend. I love her soooo much and need her to help me through this depression. It's hard to not call sometimes because she has always been the person I called for support. I miss her and want her back but all she says is she does not know what to do and is not ready to jump back into a relationship where she may get hurt again. WHAT DO I DO? I'll be devastated if I loose her....She is the only one for me!
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female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (1 February 2008):
 Good for you. I think I need to clarify that Knocking on her door, does not mean that you go and harass her. It means that you do not give up hope but you keep your communications with her and not just leave her alone.
She may want space but in her heart she expects you to call and asked about her welfare and not just ignore her.She wants space does not mean that you cannot call her and asked about her welfare or your concern for her.
The meaning of 'want space' is to do what she wants .You can still talk to her like a friend.It does not mean that you should cut off all communications with her.
A
male
reader, bhwilly +, writes (31 January 2008):
bhwilly is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm already in therapy and making progress towards my anger management. I'm learning things every session and it's really made me understand my anger problems and how to deal with them. Today was the first day in over a week she as actually told me to CALL HER...I don't know if I should read into it or not, but it makes me feel like she is slowly letting me back in....
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2008): Thats awful advice "knock on her door until she gives in" That will just make her resent you b/c you know she wants space right now, and by doing that, you wouldn't be respecting her wishes and you'd be showing nothing but selfishness. she needs time & space. Don't go harassing her, trust me I have been in this same situation, and what RCN has posted is the best advice so far. If she can't see you trying to figure out what it causing your abusive behavior, she's not going to believe a word you say. Get counseling of some sort and figure this out before it's too late.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (31 January 2008):
 First of all, she is your best friend? If so, you wouldn't want to see her in any pain, you'd want to emotionally support her and build her up. Make her feel special, and desired.
I did have to double check something. Now depression it itsself does not cause people to react abusively. There's soemthing else going on. That's not saying you don't have depression I'm saying the depressions is more than likely a secondary disorder to whatever is causing this abusive behavior.
Now, don't knock on her door until she answers. You don't want to get arrested for domestic violence, stalking and harrassment.
OK your depression may be linked from inadequate feelings that could stem from years ago. What I'm wondering is where your fear is being generated from. Often, verbal or physical abuse is an act prompted by fears, whether real or imagined. Think of it this way. Hypothetically, lets imagine that physically I'm much bigger than you are. We get into a small verbal disagreement. I throw a punch, stopping right before hitting you. But your response is still to attempt to block, flinch, dodge. Would your fear then be real or imagined? Our brains don't actually destinguish between them, but it's equipt to protect us. So in your relationship, the fear is more than likely imagined, but is still triggering the same response as if the fear was probable.
So, in your question you said you NEED her to help you through this. So is your fear a dependant based fear. Being left alone. Loosing the person you love. All though no one has cheated, could that fear be consciously or subconsciously bothering you.
I want you to spend some time really searching within yourself about what makes you afraid in being married. Once you find that out, you'll have a great start in correcting your behavior. The problem with just saying, I won't be angry, is something that's misused. How can people promise that, if the underlying cause is still present.
I'm going to tell you now that your words at this point probably do no mean crap to her. She was hurt by your actions. Telling her it's not going to happen again will not change her mind. It's like the saying about insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. In order for her to be convinced, you need to change the way you do things. You're going to have to change the perception in the way that you view your fear. I use to be afraid of the dark, until my late teens. What changed that was convincing myself that when the light is off, everything remains the same, the only difference is the ability to view it.
I also urge you from now on, don't wait until its too late to figure out what's going on. I could see her asking herself why you didn't choose to figure things out before you ended up loosing her. If you have a behavior that surfaces, and you know is hurtful, disrespectful, etc. If you know it, find out what's going on then. I know you didn't know you had depression, but that's still no excuse to wait until you've all ready lost her to begin changing and make a positive difference for yourself and your family.
I wish you the best, and hope everything works out for your family. Take care.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (31 January 2008):
You need to knock on her door until she gives in and open the door for you. Don't give up easily .Whatever it takes, you need to prove your love for her.You need to wear her resistance down till she comes home together with you.Be prepared for the long haul.
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A
female
reader, happyholly  +, writes (30 January 2008):
No problem, glad to help any time. Keep busy and stay positive. Holly x
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A
male
reader, bhwilly +, writes (30 January 2008):
bhwilly is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for everything. She has mentioned to a friend that she feels like she has not received enough space from me and that until she can mend her anger and bitterness, that it would be really hard for her to mend out relationship. She has said that she did want it to work and that she really loved me, but she is just too bitter to come home right now. I'm just stuck here not knowing how long it's going to take her and if she will just get use to the fact we are not together anymore.
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A
female
reader, happyholly +, writes (30 January 2008):
I dont know but i am sure it has been hard for you both at times over the last few years,you dealing with your owm depression and your wife dealing with it also. Your words and emotions are very touching and i do hope it works out for you both. I would say that your wife and yourself need some space alone to reflect and to see if you can mend this. I think maybe a letter of not begging or that you need and love her but a letter of understanding and a letter that shows if its time and space she needs that you will give her that. I am sure she will be missing you but feels tired and unsure of her relationship with you. I hope this helps just a little and that time and space will help you both . Good luck, Holly x
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A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (30 January 2008):
You need to woo her and romance her again and to promise her that you will try to control yourself and ask her for another chance. Remember to tell her that you love her.She needs a lot of confirmations of your love verbally and in actions.
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