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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: Im having problems with my significant other. He's is away for two weeks and ive tried to ask him nicely to get on the internet from his hotel. So on tuesday he tried but then claimed that he wasnt able to get on but his peers were. And yesterday he managed to get on and we talked for some time, and later on in the evening he got on again and i was surprised that he was able to connect successfully again. So i just asked him this "im surprised that u were able to get on successfully again but on tuesday nothing at all. do u know if it was a connection on the hotel's behalf or something with ur computer having a connection prob?" Simple I just asked that, and he got really defensive and said that i am aggressive while he went besserk on me in the conversation saying that im accusing him of "LYING", that he feels "interrogated" that "maybe we should reconsider" etc with him even saying to me "i am just so sick of explaining shit to you". and i just replied back saying that i didnt ask him for an explanation though i thought he may know what could have have been the reason why he wasnt able to connect since its been days later. From the conversation I had with him I felt that he was trying to put some blame on me and turn the story around so i feel bad for him, and make it look like as i am stirring the pot for some kind of guilt he feels. I love him very much, and when he asks me questions im very honest about it. Since this incident im starting to worry that somehing is up with him. Am i correct?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2007): I sent the first lengthy reply, it appears you didnt read it.
Regarding your update, as I said the signs are clearly there of guilt, changing password is for one reason only, he doesnt want you accessing his email anymore and that must mean there will be stuff there for you not to see.
make your mind up, are you angry enough to walk away and stick with that OR do you want it all rectified?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2007): To Update:
We share common passwords for emails, and today he changed his email password. I dont know what is going on but it doesnt sound right..
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A
female
reader, Midge  +, writes (22 October 2007):
 My boyfriend is on the road about 6-9 months of the year. Like you, I love him dearly which is why I stay.
He virtually lives in hotels and 90% of the time he has problems connecting. Its not his computer but the hotel line.
From years of dealing with this, I appreciate that if he cant get on, even after making arrangements to be on at a specific time, and rearranging your whole day for this, its not his fault. He can connect at 6 but if he tries an hour later, no connection.
There are also specific countries that he goes to where we know the chances of him connecting is almost zero. So stop panicing!
You want to speak to him, obviously, but dont read too much into it. The chances are its a valid reason! Be greatful for the time you do get to speak to him.
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A
male
reader, rcn  +, writes (22 October 2007):
 I'm wondering why he is feeling guilty. Defensive behavior usually comes when someone feels challenged and that comes when what they told you was their reason was not really true at all.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2007): I think you are correct. It appears to be that he became overly defensive which is often a good indicater of guilt. What you have written and from his reaction I would say that he didnt WANT to be online talking to you on Tuesday and there must be a reason for that. His reaction, "maybe we need to reconsider" etc shows what that reason is, he is not a happy chappy and frankly you are hanging on to the relationship by a very thin thread here. Human nature has a basic push/pull dynamic, the more you push the more he will pull away.
Humans either fight or flight. When we are worn down by a relationship, when the love starts to fade, when we develop outside and new attractions etc we start to feel the need to flee. When a partner starts to hit flee mode the other party (you) starts to panic and automatically grip on tighter and plead, beg, reason, ask how they are feeling, ask whats wrong etc and that adds pressure and fuel to the "flight" feeling.
This I am sure will be 1000% the total opposite of what everyone else will say here, I am sure you will be advised to talk to him about it but I can assure you that I am right here. Do nothing, the only way to stop someone in flight mode is cease giving it fuel, give them nothing to run from, release the pressure and the way to bring them back on side is to first acknowledge what has happened with a calm mind, step up your own independance, be happy, be attractive, a little mysterious and let them have to work a little for YOUR love.
Well good luck, you can save it if you are smart. Use your HEAD not your ego driven and hurt heart.
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