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anonymous
writes: Reconnecting with broken relationship.Last October, I met a wonderful woman. We got to talking, and got along really well together. Our relationship started out as just friends, and we discussed that we should be just friends for a while. Well, things started moving along quickly, and before we knew it, we were definitely much more than friends. We actually talked about the possibility of marriage, which is something that I had never felt truly possible with any previous relationships. My personal relationship history is not that strong, but I wanted this to work. She had been through some serious turmoil earlier in life. While she was in high school, she had a relationship with someone much older than her, and had a child with another older man. Because of this, she had said on numerous occasions that she was worried about going too fast in any relationship.Well, things were going along quite smoothly, but one night after we had been dating for about a month, she started making moves of a sexual nature. I didn't think we were ready yet for that. At least I didn't think I was, so nothing happened. At first, this helped us to become closer, and I thought the relationship was growing stronger.Suddenly, right after Christmas, she said she didn't want a relationship with me anymore. I was heartbroken. We talked about it, and she said she needed time to herself to think about it. I gave her some space, and we only talked a few times over the next couple weeks. In mid January, I was scheduled on a buisness trip out of town for a couple weeks. The day before I left, she called to say she was sorry, and that she wanted to see me. Since I was leaving, there wasn't time to see her before I left. We did talk almost every day while I was gone, and things started looking up.However, after I got back, we had a small arguement. It got to the point where she said I was becoming clingy to the relationship and acting very needy about it. She said she didn't want to see me anymore. I was devastated, and tried to keep talking to her, and try to fix things. In reality, I was acting more needy and clingy than ever.Well, I haven't talked to her in a month and a half. I have looked into what I have done wrong in relationships, and have done many things to make sure I don't make the same mistakes again. Looking back at my behavior, I can understand why she would want to avoid me because of it. If someone acted that way towards me, I would have probably done the same thing.I really would like to rekindle this relationship and make it work, however I have been unable to get her to respond to any emails or phone calls. If I could just get the lines of communication to reopen, I know I could handle it from there. It's just getting restarted is where I don't know what to do.Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
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reader, cheyenne +, writes (15 April 2005):
Two words.....commitment phobic. "Come here - go away" These people are so self-contrdicting to themselves that it's no wonder why you blame yourself for her indecisivness. These types almost always never take responsibility for themselves, thus causing others to fix the problem. Guess what?? You're fighting an never-ending battle, unless she is ready to face her past issues, and TAKE her responsibilty for what she needs to be accountable for. Now I'm not saying, dump her, but rather than thinking you can "save" her or the relationship - try supporting her fear of getting close. Try leaving her a letter or a voice mail. Say something like: "I understand that you don't want to talk to me and I don't want you think I'm bothering you to make a decision about the relationship. My concern is to the friend you are, and as a friend, I just want you to know that I'm always here if ever you want to talk, and even if you don't, I'm here anyways, because I care."I mean, say what you like, just try to avoid feeling like YOU'VE done something wrong. At least with this kind of approach, you will be setting boundries for her as well as for you. You don't need someone who is passive-aggresive ruining your life. Believe me, I say all this, because I have stood right where you stand, and this was the BEST advice that I can give you. Best,Cheyenne
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