A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Can you guys give me your viewpoints on this? I wonder if I was the victim of a very cruel deception at the hands of my ex. We were very good friends for quite some time prior to becoming partners and I thought we would get married and have a family some time way into the future because I felt so sure about him. In fact, he was the first to mention having a large family and emigrating to the country I wished to live in, which was all I ever dreamed of. We had so much fun and I really felt comfortable with him and that I could be myself with him. He was very attentive too which I loved. I had already fallen in love with him by the time we were going out but I never told him for fear of scaring him off, however he did tell me he was falling for me. Long before we got together he had casually asked my opinion on 'friends with benefits' because his Dad had been talking about it with him and we both agreed that it was something we would never do.I found it very hard making that transition from friends to partners with my ex. I look back now and realise that I never really felt like his girlfriend. Very quickly I started noticing things that were ringing alarm bells with me. Stupidly, I ignored them thinking I was being over sensitive again and we slept together once, immediately after which he said how amazing his ex was and he was sure if he loved me, and things went downhill from there. He would ignore me, be irritable, be unkind and then dumped me. He was so cold, blunt and matter of fact and the things he said so hurtful when he dumped me. He then wanted to be 'good friends' straight away as if we had never been girlfriend and boyfriend. Just over a month later he came over and told me about a girl he had met that he really liked; I really felt like he was rubbing my nose in it when he said that.I now feel like he pretended to be boyfriend and girlfriend (looking back he certainly invested very little into the relationship) as a way of getting me into bed when in fact to him it was nothing more than a 'friends for benefits' scenario for him which is why he was over me in an instant because for him there was no relationship for to get over.I realise now that he had an awful lot of emotional baggage stemming from a previous relationship and was understandably hurting really bad because of it. Couple that with my ex’s learning problems and you have one messed up man..I feel anger at the way he has treated me, but so disappointed and sad that he displayed this side of his character which was so unpleasant.I realise there are two sides to every story but what do you guys think - was I the victim of a very cruel deception? Do I tell him this if he asks me why I won't be friends with him?
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female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (24 May 2007):
 Typo, I DON"T think you owe him any explanation for ending the friendship.
A
male
reader, DV1 +, writes (24 May 2007):
 You got used. The bottom line is that he told you everything that you wanted to hear to get you into bed. It seems like he also has an ego problem, because he needed to add insult to injury. Get him out out of your life. Just don't think that when other guys say that they want a future with you that they're not serious. Most guys who say that they want a future with you mean it, but he seemed to want a quick fix. Don't let it ruin a possible future with someone else.
Dv1
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (24 May 2007):
I wouldn't say victim exactly but he certainly sounds like an insensitive jerk. Who needs friends like that? You do owe him an explanation as to why you don't want to be friends any longer. Chalk this one down to experience and move on with your life without him.
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A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit  +, writes (24 May 2007):
 No, I do not think he was planning what happened. I think he really liked you and wanted to legitly give it a fair shot. My guess is that he is emotionally damaged, and is UNABLE to give more than he has. I hihgly doubt he planned it. Like you said, he is a messed up man.
-FBK
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