A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've been dating a guy from work for the past 2.5 months. Things had been great up until 3 weeks ago. He started to become distant and I started to chase him. It took me about a week to realize that was what was happening and so I tried to back off. In fact, I went an entire week without seeing him. In the meantime, I was dealing with a personal medical matter of the female variety. I didn't talk to anyone about what was going on but it took every ounce of energy in me to function at all. I was extremely emotional (most of which was out of my control) and really scared. When I saw him again, I wanted to tell him what was going on but instead, I came at him with things like: are you seeing anyone else? are you sleeping with anyone else? (I already knew the answer to both questions was no) how do you feel about me? where is this relationship going? you don't make enough time for me, you don't include me in your life, etc. Some of the issues were relevant but most were not. The worst part is that I couldn't stop crying the entire time we were having this conversation. In the end, he felt part of this was his fault and that he did need to make more of an effort so he invited me to him church concert on Sunday. I was so excited! However, I ended up not going. The day before, I ended up in the hospital and almost needing a transfusion because I had lost so much blood. I didn't have anyone to go with me and since I still had no control over my emotions and was so afraid that I'd bleed all over myself again, I made up an excuse that I forgotten I'd had other plans and couldn't go. To make up for it, I baked him his favorite cupcakes. As I was icing them, I again had an accident and once again became very upset. I was angry that he hadn't called to check on me (he didn't know what was wrong but he did know that I wasn't feeling well) and instead of resting I was baking for him! Emotions took over again and I called him to tell him how I felt. He got upset, told me that I was being WAY too sensitive and that I was just too emotional for him. He said he needed to back off. He felt that he was making me unhappy, that we weren't on the same page, and that maybe we were just incompatible. He said I am great at my job, really cool at work but he and I together were just........The day I got the call from my dr. telling me she needed to see me right away, I was a mess. I finally broke down, told him what was going on with me and that what I really needed was for him to just hold me and let me cry which he totally did. After my appt, we talked and I told him all of the results and that I was going to be ok. Basically, everything I was going through was due to the medical crisis. I've got treatments and dr. says everything should go back to normal with no residual effects. My problem is now.....what do I do about the guy? I'm angry but at the same time, I can understand why he's afraid/questioning going forward. I've told him it was medical and all is well but he's had some previous experiences with crazy girls and my behavior the last few weeks has been well....crazy. I asked him if it was possible for things to go back the way they were before I got sick and he says that it's going to take time and he wants to take things slow. He's distant. When he comes in my office each day (he's the custodian) He's friendly and responds if I initiate physical contact with him - i.e. hug me, kiss me (though he's more hesitant). He doesn't initiate any contact though. I'm not sure what to do. I want to feel desired again. I want to feel that he understands what happened to me was awful and scary for me and that I'm supported. I want to know that he understands that he does make me happy and more than anything, I want to move on from this. If we'd been together longer and he knew me better, I don't think we'd be having an issue. It's just that it's new and we're still just getting to know each other when this happened. He doesn't know that I'm really a sane, stable, fun person. He saw a little of that before but..............I get he was scared by this but how do I get him to come back and give this a try again? I'm starting to think maybe I'm just better off just walking away and chalking it up to not being meant to be......
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (3 October 2012):
 If I am honest with you I am not sure this was all down to your medical issue. It was still early days and you where only both getting to know each other, and yes you came across as very clingy and needy which scared him away that is clear to see. He probably did not like seeing you unhappy and he felt that maybe you had came on to strong to quickly.
I honestly do not see a future here between the both of you. Yes I personally can understand that you where going through a difficult time, and I am sure he can as well but it still looks like he does not want things to become serious between the both of you. I think you just need to accept that there is nothing between the both of you and move forward from this.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the response. You're absolutely right that I should have shared with him. I didn't tell anyone what was going on which I think made it more difficult on myself. I didn't tell him because 1.) I was embarrassed; 2.) I was afraid he'd look at me/think of me differently; 3.) I was just plain too scared and didn't want to admit to anyone that something was wrong. I wasn't really accepting it myself. I was seriously concerned that what was going on wasn't going to allow me to have children and seen as how I left my ex-fiance because he didn't want children and I did, that was devastating news to face. I was more prepared to deal with having cancer than being told I couldn't have kids.
As for his ex (it was only one)....she tried to run him over with her car when he broke up with her. He said that she's the only other person he's met who was as emotional as I have been the past few weeks and well, that scares him. It scared me too! I don't even cry when watching movies (Titanic, My Sister's Keeper, When a Man Loves a Woman, The Notebook...NONE!) so this was tough.
At any rate, I think I'm at a point where I'm going to cut my losses and move on. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't bummed about it though because up until this point, I really liked him and thought we were moving in a good direction. Maybe with some space he'll come back. In the meantime, I can use the time to rest, fully recover, and to seriously re-evaluate whether or not I want him back if he were to return to me completely.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2012): Hi there! I can definitely understand how you feel.
But you need to stop feeling bad and sorry for yourself, ok?
Think about the good news first Dr. said you will be ok and everything will go back to normal without any residual effects as you say, right? I just think that you should focus more on your health. If your health improves as the days go by, the more that you can think clearly.
About the guy you love, give him time to think, If he loves you he will initiate to contact you. Don't push him away or push yourself to him, just give it time, if it looks like everything is broken, that's fine. Easy to say, hard to do.
Always Remember, that A broken heart can always Mend.
If he really loves you he will come back to you and if he don't, its his lost and its a good thing that you have proven at this early that his someone you cannot rely on during bad times.
What i'm saying is try to think about YOURSELF first..
If you keep on thinking negative things, do u think it would help you? Do you want to torture yourself? Or do u want to be happy? If you want to be happy, love and care for yourself first, before you think about other people.
I suggest for you to pray to God, more.. God Bless..
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (3 October 2012):
 I don't understand why you didn't tell him right from the start you were having a medical emergency. You could have said it and then said you don't want to get into it. There were many ways you could have said it without telling him specifics, but you chose to lie to him instead.
Though really, this guy sounds like a jerk anyways. He describes his exes as "crazy." That right there is a red flag he's almost certainly an ass. Men who call women crazy are not saying "she was crazy." What they are saying is that she failed to act in a way that was 100% satisfactory to me. I love the way this blogger put it:
"When men say “most women are crazy, but not you, you’re so cool” the subtext is not, “I love you, be the mother to my children.” The subtext is “do not step out of line, here.” If you get close enough to the men who say things like this, eventually, you will do something that they do not find pleasant. They will decide you are crazy, because this is something they have already decided about women in general.”
So beware of the men who describe exes as crazy. Which is more likely, that all the times men say "oh yeah, she was crazy/a stalker" as a reason for the breakup the woman was legitimately mentally ill (meaning pretty much all women), or that he wants a completely guilt-free and easy way to not have to explain anything? You were wrong in this case, lying to hide the medical issues, but you aren't crazy.
He was also already pulling away before this started. The match just wasn't there and even if you got past this, I doubt you'd be able to keep up your relationship.
I think this just isn't meant to be, and I also think you're dodging a bullet.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2012): You do sound like a sane person. Its obvious. you went through some female health problems and it can make a mess out of your hormones. Men dont know that.
Now its time to back of. Its not a very good situation that you dated someone from your work. Thats why they advice not to do it. But whats done is done.
He seemed like a nice guy, but he is distant now. Thats fine. i think it would be very beneficial for you to understand the fact that its impossible to control another human being actions. You are fragile now, and my advice would be not to take any action.
See, what will happen, but dont act on it. Dont askhim to hug or kiss you anymore, its not helping.
Give it time, and if he doesnt come along, try to accept it. Forcing someone in this situation never worked. Trust me, i did it many times before i accepted the fact that its not working
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