A
male
age
51-59,
*ean
writes:My wife of 9 years ask me to leave 9 months ago. She told me that she held on to hope the last couple of years but had finally given up and eventually fell out of love with me. Her reason are that I was disconnected from our family and was not involved enough. I traveled the first 5 years of our marriage with work and came home 4 years ago when I relize thing were getting bad. My new job was very demanding and I aloud it to take up most of me time. I love my family more than life and they are the reason that I get up each morning to face the day. I have made a 180 with my life and have tried to win her back by showing her that I've found a balance now. The seperation has been pretty ugly but I want her and my family back. She says that she has tremendous fears of me reverting back. I feel that I've tried just about everthing. Is it possible to regain what I've lost? What should I do? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2007): Hi Hunny,
It is poss if you are going to show your wife just how much you mean it, She is very scared of starting again as she does not want the hurt all over again, Its closing down moving on and then opening up again..Very scarey so if you do love her show her in everyway poss and be patient hunny. Hope things work out for you with love mandy xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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male
reader, Bean +, writes (23 November 2007):
Bean is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI appreciate the responses that I've recieved so far. A little history althought it wont' change what has transpired. When we met we had both come from previous marriages. I brought debt and she brought a 1 year old little girl that I fell in love with the first time that I saw her. I was offered an job that would require travel but finacialy it would help us get back to a position that we could start fresh with our new lives. We sat and discussed all the potential issues with this and decided to take the oppurtunity. For 5 years I traveled in and out of the country takeing them with me when ever I could to try and maitain some sort of a normal family which it wasn't but we were making every effort. We tried to always have quality time because there wasn't quantity. We were both makeing terrible sacrifices to try and accopmlish our intend plan her handling everthing at home with the our dauther and eventually daughters and me living in a hotel working 7 days a week without them. We had problem of course and at times there was animosity towards each other. It finally got to a point that I quit my job to come home because things had gotten to a point that our marraige was in trouble. I found a job at home that didn't pay near what the preovious one did but their was great potential for growth. We repaired our marraige and things seem to be going as they should. My job brought tremendous pressures along with fears that if I couldn't meet their expectations I would have to go back on the road which I knew would be the end of our marraige. Unfortunatly the way I delt with the pressures actually created issues in our marraige that surpassed anything that we faced while I was on the road. I felt that I was disapointing everyone in my life. My wife did tell me that I'd better stop disapointing my family. She eventually made a personal choice to start living her life and did in fact try and take me along but I just couldn't see it at the time. When she asked me to leave I made all my changes. I went to my empolyer and explained my situation and cut my hours back to 40 and started doing all the things that I didn't feel I could before. I listen to every story and song my girls wanted to share, I was more attentive to my wifes need along with everthing around me while trying to maintain my position at work on only 40 hours. I always wanted to do those things and carried guilt because I didn't but it just didn't seem like their were enough hours in the day. All this seem to make my wife more angrey with me. But by this time she had found comfort in another. It had been going on for a couple of months and I had no idea. Durning this time accounts had been changed and everthing that we had was gone. My car and credit cards were all over due and the repo man was at my new doorsteps. My wife had always taken care of the money because I was always on the road and once I came home she was still willing to handle our finances. All this in water under the bridge now. I have spent the last 9 months trying to renew us to bring our family back together. In my mind everthing that I did with work was for my family. I had no life over the last 9 years accept for work and them. I spent all my efforts trying to become more successful so that we could have more time together. It's just like the movie Click which she acutally bought me one day. I'm not saying that I'm the victim here, I think we were both victim in are own way and I take responsibility for all that I contributed to our situation but I also beleve that marraige is a partnership and a comitment to do everything in your power to make it work, maybe in her eyes she did. I just want to repair it if at all possible. I can say now without a shadow of a doubt that I understand what is truly important in life and I have learned this at a terrible price.
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reader, calamitysil  +, writes (23 November 2007):
 I don't think it's too late either. Provided she was honest about the reasons and there's not a third party involved. For it to work, both you and your wife need to want reconciliation. These things take time, and she'll want to see that your changes are permanent and genuine. She'll also want to be sure you won't harbour resentment at making those changes. Keep in touch with her, but don't push things. Show her how much more relaxed and happy you are, and nice to be around, now that your priorities have changed. Good luck!
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male
reader, rcn +, writes (23 November 2007):
 I think so, don't just take fears as the answer. Ask her what is it she is afraid of. Fears of reverting back is too general. Reading your question and how you talk about your family, I have no doubt but to believe the change you've made is a permanent one. Reason being, many times we have to lose before we learn to win.
What you need to do is be understanding of how she feels. We know you want to be with her, but that won't realistically happen if her fear isn't addressed. Her fears are justified, she has a family as well, and motherly instinct is to protect her young.
Now I don't know your whole situation, just what you wrote, but as a generalization this is what I would say, "I know you're afraid, and I'm sorry my actions caused that fear. Before I was working hard because that's what I felt I had to do to take care of all you, but I was missing out on so much, and have realized that a job is only a job, I didn't marry my job, I married you and experiencing what it's like to loose everything I love has changed my views of what is truly important."
I hope this helps you, take care.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2007): I am sad to learn that you put your career before family - so many men and women do this. If your wife / ex-wife has told you she no longer loves you then I would accept that and move on - she does not want to live in fear and you have put her through enough. Unfortunately she lost respect for you along the way, your selfishness and disregard for her life, which led to this situation. You were clearly not ready for the commitment of marriage and family and although you are now I think it is too late and that the most loving thing you can do is support your wife in finding happiness elsewhere. There will be way too much resentment for everything you put her through and she needs to start from scratch with someone who won't treat her like a doormat from the outset. It is a sad reality that you seem to be the type of person that doesn't appreciate something good until its not there - having to threaten you and walk away to get you to notice her is not the basis of a relationship. These are harsh words and perhaps other people will offer advice on how to win her back but her forgiving you and actually wanting to be with you are two very different things.
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reader, muffy +, writes (23 November 2007):
 well to tell you the truth,its very hard to regain anything once you do something that could affect your family.if you really want her back then let her know everything you did.let her know that you will be more available to your family and her and that you won't drink a lot.you have to convince her and prove it to her.if she lets you back then prove that you will do your best at supporting her and your family.if you love them that much then you will do whatever it takes to get them back.just dont bug them to much because then youll be screwed.and hwatever you do DONT GIVE UP!!!!!
i hope i helped
love and kisses
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