A
female
age
51-59,
*gnewfantasy
writes:Ok, we have only been dating about 5 months but I'm really fallen for him. I could even say I am falling in love.(I'm 44 and he is 46) I ended a 25 y marriage, but have been dating for about 4 y and this is the most serious relationship I have had...Let me start by saying he is nicer than any other man I have dated, he really shows he cares. We talked about sexual fantasies, one of mine being swinging. He has experience in this and was open and honest about it. He took me to a very nice swingers dance just to get an idea of the people, not to do anything...but I was so nervous. He suggested I read about the lifestyle. I did. Everything I read said you should love each other and be open and communicate.The problem I have is doing this with someone who doesn't love me.I can and want to do it but only if my partner loves me.Does that make sense? I don't know how to explain this without sounding super needy or obsessed.Or am I expecting to much? SincerelyConfused girlfriend
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (9 January 2014):
 I guess I should weigh in.
I met my current husband while in an open marriage with my last husband. We were wild swingers... and I was fine with it.
NOW... NOPE.. NOT sharing... NO WAY NOT NOW NOT EVER
I watched 3 or 4 marriages break up from our group before we failed... our failure totally related to swinging. Since we broke up I just watched another couple that I never thought would end, break up... again directly related to the lifestyle.
I know of THREE long term couples (all over 20 years married) who manage to pull it off and guess what, AFAIK none of them are currently active in the lifestyle.
IT takes very secure, very strong, very open, very honest couples to pull it off.
DO I recommend it? NO way in hell. BTDT...
your partner loving you may make a difference but we loved each other and we still failed.
are you really willing to risk a good man for this experience?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2014): I feel the same way, and no you are not expecting too much. Swinging is a lifestyle that suits some people, but to make it work they have to communicate often and about everything. I don't happen to be a swinger, but I know some and they are all wonderful, open, loving people. Most of the couples I have met that have made this choice work are very open with each other, and not embarrased at all to talk about sex and their feelings with any of their partners. (no such thing as TMI - really!) Also they are usually older with grown kids and VERY secure in their marriages. I personally don't know any swingers that are not married (though I am sure they exist), so I think that shows your wanting to only delve into that lifestyle with someone who loves you as much as you them is pretty common. You have to be confident that your partner puts you first, and that this will not cause a rift in the relationship.I also notice that these couples always keep the lines of communication open, so if someone feels uncomfortable those feelings and that person is heard and treated with respect and validation. If someone is not comfortable with something then that situation stops immediately. I hope that your new boyfriend is also this type of person, and will defer to your wishes if you decide you don't want to move forward with swinging. I hope this helps a bitBest wishes!
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A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (7 January 2014):
Cant say I understand, as I would only be able to do this w someone I don't care about....
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (7 January 2014):
 I think it's a mistake. Most couples can't survive swinging longterm. Some can, but most cannot. It's a very common fantasy, but not all fantasies should be played out.
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A
male
reader, M Proops  +, writes (7 January 2014):
People who genuinely love one another will not want to swing in my opinion,Why would you want to share the person you love with a stranger?It's just loveless hedonism.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2014): I really don't understand why people need to ruin their relationship over nothing! Sharing your love with someone means the end of relationship for absolutely no good reason.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2014): If you think swinging is going to make him love you, then your in for one mighty reality check .He might say he does just to get you into it, thought of that ..Swinging, threesomes, and orgys end the same way.. One person looking at the other very differently than before .. It few couples who really make it in this kinda situation and those that do just live for the thrill of the new sexually conquest ..Fantasies are fine , they are meant to enhance our love life, but when they become reality they can really destroy it ..Couple who have 20 years together end up in the heap .. What chance do you think you two will have ?? Get to know one another .. Get a relationship going .. You don't really have that .. Take care and lots of luck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2014): It sounds to me like you want to make sure your relationship is strong before trying swinging?
That makes a lot of sense to me!!
I would wait a bit, until you feel comfortable with it…whether that be in a month, a year, or never.
And definitely talk to him about what you're feeling :)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2014): Well, Im slightly confused, do you think he doesnt love you? It makes sense that, you dont want to swing unless he loves you. To build a strong, trusting bond, there has to be some type of love (with anyone, family, friends, significant others) so it makes sense that you want him to love you.
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