A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hey everyone........I know this may sound weird but I find the thought of having sex repulsive.I am not a Virgin. The last time I had sex was over a year ago and it was horrible. only did it so I could try and get back together with my horrible ex boyfriend.I had my first serious boyfriend about four years ago and every time we had sex i didnt like it.he was first and my last. I would pretend the whole time that liked it. he would complain that I wasn't sexual enough for him. I always thot it was all about sex to him.I like bonding with guys through others things,like just talking or going out and doing fun things.anyway we broke up ages ago because he slept with else of course.I am at a point where I want to settle down and have my own family, in fact I can't wait to have my own kids.but the whole process of being intimate with someone is just gross. it grosses me out. I have had many opportunities of being in relationships with really cool guys but when I think of them naked and on top me,I just feel grossed out.Sometimes I try to attribute to to the fact that I was sexually abused as a child or maybe I am not just a sexual person. Or maybe it can be because of Christian upbringing. I believe that sex should be between two married people unlike the way it is today.I really do want a man to love me and have a family but I don't know if I will get past the repulsion that I have towards sex. I live in society where talking about such things is looked down upon. I have never had anyone to talk to about this, because I were to bring it up the first question would "so you are not a Virgin? ". so I have come here seeking advice and would like to hear from anyone who has had similar experience. Thank you.
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female
reader, Abella  +, writes (6 October 2014):
 You do have a strong desire to find a man who will want to love you and have a family with you. But your own past issues are impacting on you and sabotaging your ability to find happiness. It is extremely prevalent for a child of sexual abuse to find that as an adult that they have some issues with making love. This is directly the fault of the ABUSER who left you feeling this way.The Abuser was WRONG to do this.The problem can be fixed and you can go on to enjoy a satisfying relationship, including mutually satisfying sex and a family life as well in the future.BUT while you continue to have your current issues with lovemaking it time for more help.Because first you need some additional support to overcome the sexual abuse you suffered. I believe that you have not yet received enough counselling.Until you receive adequate supportive counselling you may continue to have some reluctance to enjoy sex. But this reluctance can be overcome with good counselling.The best world site on all things about sexual abuse is www.rainn.org/ Please do explore the www.rainn.org site and use every resource offered on that site to give you support. Please be aware that the persons who sexually abuse children are WRONG to do that to a child.The abusers are entirely wrong to groom a child, manipulate a child and sexually abuse a child and completely wrong to blame a child. This is best explained by the summary on this site: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Child_abuseIf you are living in Zambia are you aware of the one stop shops for survivors of sexual abuse in Zambia? There is growing awareness in Zambia of all the pain that sexual abuse causes to those who have been abused as children.http://www.eenet.org.uk/resources/eenet_newsletter/news9/page6.phphttp://aidstar-one.com/sites/default/files/PRC%20Panel%20Presentation.pdfAlways remember that the Sexual abuse was NEVER THE FAULT of the child abused, so the abuse WAS NEVER YOUR FAULT.You did nothing to cause an abuser to sexually abuse you. And you are NOT TO BLAME for the abuse.Abusers will often try to blame the child they abuse. The abusers are wrong to do this. The abusers are solely responsible for the abuse you suffered.You are NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR THE ACTIONS OF THE ABUSER.The only person responsible for the sexual abuse of a child is the abuser, not you. You want to have children and that is understandable. However you are the priority right now. Healing your deep pain that is still affecting your life should be a priority, to allow you to grow as a person, free of any blame, free of blaming you for what happened.You were NEVER to BLAME for the abuse.Men and women do sexually abuse children. This is ALWAYS WRONG and ALWAYS UNACCEPTABLE.Michelle Elliott is an expert on sexual abuse. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yPDL78e8UAsebay.com has some good books, some inexpensive, on surviving sexual abuse.I wish you well in the future with these issues you are facing.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2014): You mentioned several reasons that may attribute to your repulsion, and maybe you missed a few.
I myself really appreciate a lot of foreplay, and kissing. There are some men who are really sloppy and clumsy, and although I found them attractive; I found their technique off-putting. You can't rule out the fact that you just haven't had the opportunity to make-love to someone you really want to be with. Yet again, you may be disgusted by having sex with men altogether. Messy or gross sexual technique is a sure turnoff. Your cultural and religious upbringing will not even allow you to consider the possibility that you may be gay. So you may never consciously consider this possibility.
If you are homosexual (lesbian), you have only had sex with men and have nothing to compare it to. If you are repulsed by it; doesn't it stand to reason you just aren't sexually attracted to men?
I am gay. I've had sex with girls only during my adolescence; and women as an adult male. It was good. I didn't find it repulsive at all. I enjoyed the act of having sex with women, but didn't really get anything out of it. I wasn't satisfied. It was tantamount to masturbation. My first experience with a man was totally different. I enjoyed the act emotionally and physically, and it came totally natural to me. I've always had an attraction to men, but my strict religious upbringing wouldn't allow me to accept that part of myself. I suppressed my urges.
I denied and avoided these feelings; until I had my first sexual encounter with a man. Eventually I fell in-love with a man, and my life changed. I still have to have a close emotional relationship and connection to women. I need their affection. Just not sex. I'm not bisexual, I'm sure.
Please take no offense to my suggestion. Your culture may frown upon homosexuality; and gay people may even be ostracized by your society.
It would only stand to reason you wouldn't even conceive the notion as being gay as the reason you are repulsed. Your desire to have children supersedes your disgust; and you will do whatever necessary to fulfill your desire to be a mother someday. Your maternal instinct is obviously very powerful.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2014): I would seriously consider some form of counselling regarding your past issues that are presenting themselves now. It's awful to have been sexually abused, I truly hope whoever did that to you was brought to justice. This is probably mostly why you don't want to be sexual with someone, you've had an awful experience. Please consider seeing someone, who can talk through these absolutely natural feelings you've gone through and are going through. I think possibly too, you weren't with the right person who could show you a loving relationship. I had issues, but I am forever grateful for meeting my partner who supported me through an awful lot - you deserve that too but initially you need to start the process of moving on. Strongly recommend counselling/therapist to enable you to eventually move forwards. Any advice on here, or online in general, wouldn't really get to the depths of your feelings and experiences, but is a good starting point x
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