A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I’ve been friends with this woman since 1st grade, although between grades 5 and 6 I moved to another area and we didn’t see much of each other. We’ve kept in touch by every now and then emailing back and forth or talking on the phone, and sometimes we’ve lived in the same city and we’d hang out a bit, but usually after a month or three we fall back out of contact again for a year or so. I’m 24 now. She’s approximately my age (+- 10 months). There is the possibility that we might have sex, but neither of us is sure if this would be a really bad/stupid thing to do or if it is a good thing. We’re both virgins, although she has had some oral relations with males before. The problem is that I’m pretty sure that the difference in our intelligence levels would prevent us from ever having a good marriage/life together as a couple, which is why in the past I have never acted on any desire since I knew that it would not work out in the long-run and might only ruin the friendship. I’m not sure whether to be with her as “friends-with-benefits” or not. I’m not sure if either of us can handle just having fun with each other, or if we will want more, which will not work in the long run. I’m in university in a rather challenging degree and she is working in retail. Also, I’ve heard that people always fall in love with their first, and perhaps I should save that experience for someone who is likely to be a good life-mate (ie: wife, and/or mother of our children). I know some people don’t care about differences in intelligence, but I want to have a wife with whom I can discuss things that are heavily scientific, and who can understand reality at my level of thought. I know that you may just think me arrogant for the reasoning I use, but that’s who I am; I value intelligence above all except “doing-what’s-right”. I do like her, and I don’t want to hurt her. Unfortunately, I have little experience in this area of life, so any advice you can offer is much appreciated. Thanks.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, SirenaBlusera  +, writes (3 May 2009):
 What you have to remember is that there are different KINDS of intelligence.
Everyone has their special talents.
For example, everybody was impressed when I picked up the guitar and within months was playing the same solos as Jimi Hendrix, stevie Ray Vaughan, etc. I can listen to a solo on the radio and play it back, and sometimes I can spontaneously make up songs and solos. I took Spanish, and learned how to roll my tongue on the second or third try.
I'm not bragging, though... just pointing out that there are different forms of "smart." Yo soy un manta (I'm a fiasco) with relationships and I can't read body language to save my life! I used to have a knack for making enemies and I was unaware that I'd done anything wrong. I've always suffered because I have absolutely NO interpersonal intelligence... my true friends accept me anyway, but they are few and far between. I'm not a loner and I like to have friends, but I'm very "torpe" with my relationships.
My brother has genius, or near genius, level intelligence and intellectually he's probably much smarter than me... but everyone tells me that I'm the one with a "musical gift." I think my true gift is determination and willpower... I have practiced my fingers bloody and fallen asleep playing the guitar because I wanted to be good so badly. Determination is a gift, though, I guess it's mine. He could play the guitar if he wanted to, but when I offer to teach him he rejects my offer.
I also have a gift for digressing... true, but my point is... is it "lower" intelligence? Or do you guys have different talents?
Satin, don't sell yourself short, I have read your answers! You know how to listen to people, understand people, and understand feelings... that's not a very common gift! :)
You don't have to have a genius level IQ to excel in science, or have an interest. The guy who discovered DNA, Sir Francis Crick, had an IQ of 115, which is above average, but not quite genius.
Whatever you decide about this girl, be sensitive with her feelings and be sincere with her. That's the golden rule!
If you don't want to be in a relationship with this girl, don't do anything to ruin her friendship.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2009): To be honest, as i see it, monsieur de toute connaissance scientifique, she won't fall for you.
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