A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am a 32 year old woman, a high school teacher of children with special educational needs, a mother of two beautiful girls (age 5 and 2) and a wife. I have recently lost 7 stones in weight, have changed jobs, lost my grandfather, my parents have separated and my husband has decided that he is over whelmed with life and the routine of working and bringing up children and has begun a reltionship with a woman at work, although he has not fully moved out of our family home. (He has adandonment issues, his mother is dying and has not recognised him for a number of years, his dad has moved on and begun a new life rarely contacting my husband, his sister is not involved in his life and his friends from childhood have their own lives.) He has recently been going out more with younger people with no resposnibilities at work and believeing that there is more to life.As a result of the work I do, working with emotionally vulnerable individuals I analyse behaviour all of the time. I feel very strongly that he is having an emotional breakdown. In addition I firmly believe that we will work through this.However, I am becoming exhausted with the emotional turmoil, the daily running of a household, working and bringing up two children with very little support. I want our marriage to work out, but I do not want to share him.What should I do? I have spoken to him at length about the effects of this on our family, on the girls and all those around us. I have pleaded, cried and shouted.He has not spoken to any one about this other than me and the other woman. When we are together it is wonderful, we laugh nd enjoy each others company, we have spent a number of wonderful days together since it all began, he's taken me out for dinner, bought me clothes, jewellery, and other gifts... but he is also seeing this other woman. I can't share him!!Please help, I want my husband back!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2007): This time in your life is going to be about changes.
I can relate and understand your exhaustion. But what we have a tendancy to do is assume the changes are going to be for the worst, not the other way around. Your situation has upheaved and thrown you into a place of uncertainty and confusion which is perfectly natural.
I have had a similar period in my life and can relate to how lost for direction you feel at the moment. I got a serious illness 3 years ago, lost my business, income, all the dreams and abitions job opportunities I had worked for, grandmother died, husbands father died, dog is dying of a similar disease to me, husband had an affair with a friend etc etc!!! I can relate.
All I think one can do after the shock and horror of looking back at what we have had to deal with and draw strength from the fact that we are not in some sort of institution brain dead!
The issues surrounding your husbands mid life or similar crisis, is just that - HIS CRISIS and not yours to resolve.
Again I have had the same discussions about his issues of responsibility and what it means to be married and committed to building a life with the one you chose. We went to couselling together, but what I started discovering is that I had had a gutsful of fixing all the shit for everyone else. Problems which I had not imput or control over but had to receive the impact of others bad choices.
Your a women who sounds strong, dedicated and mature in handing what life throws at you. But he needs to have a rocket up is bum and get real with what he is doing. He has to loose this other women if he wants you. Simple as that. I know you want your husband back, but you want him back with a clean slate and a desire to get his act together and start to grow up. I battled with this for months, one minute he's history, the next he is forgiven.
Didn't work until I decided that he was needing to decide what he was going to do now, for me. I realised that whilst I could cry, rant and rage and he would seemilngly be ashamed and determind to make changes knowing he had hurt me and that I had enough on my plate to cope with, it wasn't really enough to satisfy me and what I was really wanting was firstly to think about me and putting myself first, secondly wanting him to show me that there has been a major movement in his attitutes and character to help me forgive him. Gifts and gestures with material things is not the same as a committment to the marriage. Especially if he is still seeing this women.
My advise after telling you that your not alone with this, we are here, but also I feel that you have perhaps lived your life with a duty to others and you have perhaps always put yourself at the end of the line. He knows this and is hoping it will all go away and he can carry on without alot of effort and imput on his behalf. That has to stop and you need for your own sanity to tell him she has to be out of your life as well as his. The affair has to stop. Unfortunately he is the one who needs to make that decision. Why should you share, bugger off!! Not acceptable.
Your strong, intelligent and a women with purpose. Tell him straight so there is no confusion. If he is suffering from some sort of crisis and can't get to grips with his responsibilities in this marriage, then he needs to do something about it and not wait for you to fix it. Make his step up. I had confusion about this as I had wanted to be the perfect wife so he wouldn't want to stray. That was UNTIL I realised that it was not me in the marriage who should be trying to be perfect! I have now left it with him to make the changes and sacrifices I need to see in him. It is not my job to fix his problems but I have told him that is a requirment if he wants us to moved forward.
My suggestion to you is to stop a moment and think just about you. Just about whether this is acceptable and if not, he has to move mountains. Equally I would suggest you look at the areas which you feel abandoned about. help with children etc, get yourself organised with back up plans and strategies which don't rely on him. Even if this relationship sorts itself out, you need to now be mindful of the fact that you may not be able to rely on him in the way you had hoped. You will gain further strength from getting things in your life sorted and less stressful. I personally beleive that these situations evolve and change over time. Your emotions are depleted with all of the other things you have had to deal with. Emotionally exhausted.
Ask yourself the question again about wanting your husband back - do you want the same man back or are you now wanting the man you had hoped he would be?
You are very welcome to send me messages if keen!. Keep strong!
A
female
reader, pgissyd +, writes (30 November 2007):
 You sound like a mature minded woman, your post is very concise.
Although, if you are so good at studying behaviour and drawing creadable conclusions, why havent you seen your own vulnerability and depression and gotton some help with all this?
Ok so we know you need to get some help for your own mental state, now your husband. If he is indeed having a breakdown, then he needs therepy now, He may also need some medical intervention. Though I think you will find he is just getting what he doesnt get from you elsewhere, and since you have chosen to try and make things work with him, he is getting no punishment for his infidelity.
I dont think your marrage is going to work out until the two of you get your separate issues sorted and this woman is gone for good.
If she makes him so happy, that he treats you so well after he has been seeing her, then he would do well to go live with her. tell him that, tell him to leave, Give him the ultimatum, if he doesnt stop seeing her and start marrage guidence with you, then bye bye marrage, you Shouldnt have to share him, and where does he get off thinking its ok?
Either she goes or he goes.
I hope YOU make the right descision for you sweet heart, Im here if you should need support.
Issy xxx
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