A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my partner for 3 years. He asked me to marry him, so we had the discussion about having kids, finances, religion etc. The sticking point was children – he said he thinks on balance doesn’t want (he has 2 already with ex) but that he could change his mind and I was uncertain. Time passed, we talked again, I was older and clock ticking, so when he said no I had to decided to stay or go, but given my age finding a husband and daddy would taken too long and it would be too late, so I gave up on the idea. My partner also pointed out to me that we had a great relationship and that was worth keeping, and I already had two stepsons for practical purposes.That was settled but the problem is every time the ex calls about the kids or money or whatever if I answer the phone she manages to use phrases like “I know you don’t have children but” or “you don’t have children so you won’t understand” or “my children are the most important thing in the world, any mother would understand” in the conversation. She knows I’m not in all likelihood going to have any either. Can’t she just ask or tell me what she needs for the kids without rubbing in the fact that I don’t have any? (She has 5) I’m getting so angry about it and I can’t decide if it’s me being oversensitive or her being tactless or maybe simply her not thinking or knowing how what she says affects me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2011): You made the choice to stay with him and accepted he didn't want more children. Im wondering if you do want one, more than you say and thats whats making the Exs phone calls so sensitive to you?Personally I wouldnt get into a conversation with her, just say, ring back when he's in, or hang on i'll get him. If she still gets a jibe in I would just say 'well I hope you do like kids, you have enough of them'
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2011): If you want children, then do not give up on the idea. In 10 years time, when its too late, you may deeply regret being pursuaded not to have a baby. He has two, so the need is not there for him. But you don't have that and I think it is very selfish of him to say that his two children should fulfill your desire for children of your own. I think you sound as if you have given in to readily to him on this. Be true to yourself. Sometimes you get one throw of the dice and to not go with your gut feelings is often a mistake.
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A
female
reader, maverick494  +, writes (3 September 2011):
Talk to her. Whenever she says something like that again, tell her "you don't know what it's like to have your husband's ex calling and begging for money, rubbing in that you don't have children while all she really has to do is ask nicely." Now the trick in not having this blow up in your face is how you say it. State it calmly, not angrily and accusingly. She should be able to get the hint.
As for children, why exactly does your husband not want one anymore? From what I've gathered, your stepchildren are at his ex's place most of the time anyway. One child with you shouldn't add much to the burden. Also, you're not that old. My aunt was 42 when she got her first child and experienced no problems due to her age. If any, it was liberating for her as she wasn't in the ambitious career seeking phase she was 20 years ago. She can totally focus on her son and her family. The only thing I can think of that could be a downside is health. You really have to take care of yourself so you can keep up as your child grows up. But then, that goes for young parents as well.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (3 September 2011):
 The "answer" to your question is right there... nested in it. To wit: "... I can’t decide if it’s me being oversensitive or her being tactless or maybe simply her not thinking or knowing how what she says affects me."It's a little bit of all three!!!!
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