A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I am a 15 year old girl and my boyfriend (also 15 years old) of 8 months hit me Friday for the very first time. He is bipolar and sometimes his mood swings are off the charts and his thought process is irrational at times. I stayed the night with him on Friday and Saturday and on Friday we were watching TV in the living room and sitting in the armchair together. He had placed the weed we were about to smoke on his dad's girlfriend magazine on the table. (I have Attention Deficit Disorder ADD) and had forgotten the weed was on the magazine.. I read an interesting caption on the magazine and quickly (and without thinking) grabbed it..Before I even knew what happened he punched me in the head..For a few seconds he was very angry then he realized what he had done.. I started crying and my body went into fight or flight mode. I tried repeatedly to get out of the chair but he held me in his arms and told me over and over again "i'm sorry , i'm sorry .i'm so sorry" and "I love you so much I'm sorry) The fact that he hit me hurt emotionally much more than it did physically.. He began crying and after repeated attempts to get out of his arms-(to go cry in his bedroom)-he let me go...I went to his room and cried, and then (because I love him with all my heart), I went looking around the house to find him ..At first no luck but eventually I found him in his closet, on the floor curled up,crying..I believe he really is sorry he hit me,and I decided to forgive him and stayed Saturday night as well,but some advice from a third party would be greatly appreciated..If he hit me once will he hit me again? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, IHateWomanBeaters +, writes (15 September 2010):
 Don't listen to Odds, he is not speaking on your behalf. You are fifteen and have no reason to stay with someone that hits you. Again, my roommate hit his gf and cried each time he did it. Then, he raped her.
You are not responsible for his actions, so you should not stay with him. You don't have kids and you aren't married, so you shouldn't stay with him. Even if you were married and had kids, it STILL has no bearing on you staying. If your boyfriend hits you ONE TIME you should leave.
Do the right thing for you and leave.
Do the right thing for him and leave.
A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (14 September 2010):
 I wouldn't qualify this as an "abusive relationship" just yet. There is a difference between lashing out a little and being abusive. He didn't have the intent to harm, nor did he succeed in doing any real damage. This really sounds like a one-time thing.
This incident will probably give him a very strong incentive to get himself under control. Maybe take his meds more religiously, or stop smoking pot (anything that screws with brain chemistry is a bad call for bipolar folks). Having you around may give him the strength he needs for that.
Failing that, if he hits you again, get the hell out of dodge. I'd take repeat incidents as a sign of either intent, or a crippling lack of control which should not be your responsibility.
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A
male
reader, IHateWomanBeaters +, writes (14 September 2010):
Dance in the dark is right. I had a college roommate that would cry and apologize for hurting his girlfriend. Then, I started hearing about it, and made sure it didn't happen. I had to kicked through a door to get to him and end it.
He never changed, and I told her that he wouldn't. Finally after her being raped anally by him, without me knowing, she ended it and pressed charges.
The point being, people will pretend to be wonderful people. They will make you fall in love with an illusion and make you think that is what they really are.
The hitting is who they are though. The violence, rape, and abuse is who they really are.
You are headed down that path, because that is who he is. If you want to have the laughter, love, and kindness you can share with someone, find a new boyfriend.
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A
female
reader, LiveAnnLearn  +, writes (13 September 2010):
 You got some really great advices on this question and I hope you'll act on them - please don't let yourself stay in an abusive relationship just because you love him, it's just not enough of a reason. Yes it does seem like he was very sorry for what he did but still who's to guarantee he won't do it (and be very sorry because he did it) again. This time it took him a couple of seconds to realize what he did but who knows will it even be "just" one punch in the head next time! No matter how bipolar you are you just do NOT go around hitting people you care about, I think it's a sign of a bigger and more serious instability and hope reading all of our opinions will give you the strength needed to act on what happened the right way, which is by taking measures in order to protect yourself.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2010): I disagree with many people here. for once... Your boyfriend is not the typical abuser personality. He is struggling with an emotional disbalance. Imagine hw scary it would be for your emotions to become soo powerful that without your control you hurt the people you love the most.
What he needs most right now is support and love. Be very cautious at first-- sit down and talk with him about what is and what isn't okay. Tell him that if he wants you around, he needs to go into therapy and get some medication. He needs to regain control in order for you to love him-- you can't love someone who loses control and hurts you.
I've known many abusers, and he does not fit the qualifications at all so please take the other posts with a grain of salt. He is not acting sad so you will stick around, he is eaten alive by grief. Losing control of yourself is one of the scariest things that can happen to a person, especially if it involves your most important person.
Please try to be gentle and supportive, but at the same time don't become a doormat. Set down the rules, and stay firm by them. Let him know you're only staying if he tries to better himself.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (13 September 2010):
 He most probably will.
But that's beside the point, the point is that you've got to draw the line at hitting. This is a non-negotiable.
If a guy hits you once - then he is history. Once is enough.
So what if he is sorry. Of course he must be sorry, if he weren't he would be a dangerous sociopath who enjoys hurting people !
Don't say "well ,after all, it was just a tap on my head... no big deal... " This is a big deal. He has violated your physical boundaries and this is the biggest deal ever.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2010): One strike and he's OUT! This is NOT BASEBALL! Men who hit women continue to hit women, and they will hit harder and harder and harder. Avoid the HELL ON EARTH and dump him now.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2010): I think this is a hard situation for you.
Your boyfriend's natural reaction when he got angry and upset with something you did was to react, and hit you. It sounds like when he is not upset, and thinking clearly, he doesn't want to hit you, and it upset him very much that he hit you. He doesn't want to react violently.
But what will happen the next time he gets angry? It can be the case that this experience will wake him up to thinking about reacting differently and result in a change in his actions, but chances are more that he will not be able to think clearly when in an emotional frame of mind, react violently, and be sorry about it afterwards again. Its probably his natural reaction, under certain circumstances. Most people who react with violence don't want to be violent, but can't control their reaction in the moment. This is more complicated for your boyfriend as he suffers from bipolar, making it all the more difficult for him to control his reactions when he is in different states of mind.
Can people change? Yes, they can, but to change our emotional behaviour patterns is very tough, and requires a lot of work. With him having bipolar, it makes it tougher too. What is he going to do about it? Does he get help for his bipolar condition? Does he manage it with counselling, or medication? Can you guys talk about all of these things?
Most importantly, are you prepared to stand up for yourself and respect yourself to not allow him to hit you again? And will you have the self respect to end the relationship if he can't control his actions? And does he know that you will end it if he does? If not, there is no incentive for him to change. If you tell him you won't tolerate it, and it happens again, and you don't do anything, there is no incentive for him to change. So whatever it is you want, you have to know it clearly, let him know it clearly, and be able to stick to it.
In my opinion.
Good luck finding your way to the right answer for you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2010): He obviously has no control over himself. Yes, he might truly be sorry, but who knows what will set him off again. You need to get out of this relationship.
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A
male
reader, The Realist  +, writes (13 September 2010):
 I think that it is highly probable that he will hit you again and that he doesn't have control over the actions. I don't mean to judge but I don't think the weed is helping his situation either.
I really wouldn't stay with him when there are these kind of problems this early in life. He needs to work his life out on his own and then you can think about going back to him.
Take care of yourself and I hope that it works out for you.
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A
male
reader, drb1966 +, writes (13 September 2010):
 If he gets angry over something as small a dropping weed on the ground what happens if you do something bigger. He has crossed the line hit you once that means someday he may do it again and next time it could be much worse.
You say that you love him then help him get some help. I'm not one to pop pills for every little problem, but in some cases taking the right medication can actually fix a problem.
Just be careful watch for signs of how quickly his anger comes on. If he punches walls or kicks or throws things it is only a matter of time when you become the target of his rage.
Good Luck
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A
female
reader, kirra07 +, writes (13 September 2010):
The fact that he hit you is not a good sign, and you should be careful. That said, he does seem to be very sorry about it and upset that he acted that way. That is a good sign. I would talk to him about why he did that, how he felt, does he feel like hitting you or others often, how he prevents himself from doing that, etc. If he is bipolar or has some other mood disorder, he should see a professional for help with it. Try to work through it with him if you want to, but don't let yourself be caught in an abusive relationship.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2010): Yes. If he hit you once he will hit you again. No question. His dad obviously never 'explained' that boys don't hit girls. Regardless of the reason he hit you it is unacceptable. I have been married 16 years. In this time I have punched holes in the walls, thrown chairs, yelled at my wife, kicked stuff, but have never hit her, and I am confident I never will. I am not proud that I did the other stuff, because frankly losing your temper always makes you feel like an ass later, but I am glad it was drilled into me as a child, boys don't hit girls, period. You don't even owe him an explanation as to why you don't wish to see him anymore. I would tell your parents he hit you, you don't want to see him any more, and I am certain they will make sure you don't. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Youngster +, writes (13 September 2010):
If he hit you once it doesn't mean he won't hit you again, but in the same way if he cried because he hit you and caused you physical and emotional harm sit down with hum and talk about it tell him how it made you feel and all that if it happens again you need to get him help or leave him and talk to someone so that if you two were to break up the same thing doesn't happen to the next girl. If he doesn't get help he will think its ok and he has control and power over you or any girl he dates in the future. Stay strong and don't let anybody make you feel like your worth any less than then. Everybody makes mistakes. So talk to him.
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A
female
reader, DanceInTheDark +, writes (13 September 2010):
 If he hit you once, he will hit you again.
Get out now. This is going to keep happening, he's going to hit you, and cry and apologize, and you'll forgive him. Rinse and Repeat.
You need to get out now.
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