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I told him about my past sexual abuse now he is distant!

Tagged as: Dating, Long distance<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (8 September 2010) 6 Answers - (Newest, 8 September 2010)
A female United Kingdom age 41-50, *orothea writes:

I recently told my lover about sexual abuse in my past (my lover lives abroad), this stemmed from an arguement we had when I completely freaked out about something that he did. And I felt it was only right that I should tell him what had happened before to make me feel like this. I apologised for having to tell him this and said I would rather not have done, but he said 'its ok you can tell me everything' Then asked when am I going to visit him again. However his emails sound a bit distant at the moment and he did not sign off with love at the end of his email tonight. Am I losing him because of this. I feel like I have treated him badly is this the case?

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A female reader, jonas Singapore +, writes (8 September 2010):

jonas agony auntYou need to give him time to digest. But bear in mind that your honesty by telling him right at the start instead of him discovering it when both of you are together, he would definitely appreciated.

Even if he is not ready at this point of time, I don't think he would penalize you. At least both of you could still be friends. Then it's up to you to prove your sincerity that you have changed for the better.

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A female reader, Supreeya United Kingdom +, writes (8 September 2010):

Hi, the thing with email and text is that you can't interpretate the way a person is feeling the way you can with speech. So don't read too much into the fact he "sounds" distant. Give him a call or buy a micro phone and speak to him on msn (you can video call too, body language/facial expressions is even more imp indicator or how someone is feeling), speak to him as you do normally, make an effort to be lively and cheerful by doing something that makes you happy before you call him.

If you do this and still feel he is being distant/different with you then tell him so and ask him if there is a reason why. But dont do it in an accusing/overly upset manner because he may not even realise he is being distant.

Long distant relationships can be difficult and trying. You may be putting it down to what you told him because of your own feelings/insecurities about having told him.

Also, if you are having continuous problems with intimacy/sex then perhaps seek help in the form of a therapist.

Hope that helps. And remember, some things take time to accept/adjust to so Be Positive and patient.

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A female reader, romany United Kingdom +, writes (8 September 2010):

romany agony auntHi Dorothea,

I too have been here, I have had many instances in my previous relationships where i have told partners about my past, and they too have appeared to chilled, however a majority of cases is because they are 'dealing' with it. When someone loves ya, its hard to hear it, and not be able to give you a hug.

Altho saying that, it must have been awful for him to hear that something he done made you feel the way the abuser made you feel, so its important that you talk to him, and explain that you were not in any way tarring him with same brush.

Its also important that maybe you think about getting some councilling, or more councilling if you've already had some, if it is still affecting the way you react to those you love, Its not healthy for you, and its damaging to those, and obviously it will affect those you are treating unfairly.

Until you have spoken to him, you will not know if you have damaged the relationship, if you have, you have to understand, that you've not lost him coz you were abused, you have lost him, because you are not over the abuse you've suffered.

To be honest with you Dorothea, I am 100% convinced you need more therapy, maybe a CBT course, you may have had one already, however, you are now dealing with different problems than you would have been dealing with, you may have dealt with the initial feelings of abuse, The isolation, the guilt, etc... however, it is now affecting the way you relate to people, and the fact you have chosen to love someone who lives abroad, is just strengthening my arguement that you need more therapy, distant relationships are safe, I know, I've had several, only seeing them once every 2 months or so, or one weekend every month.

I implore you to go to GP, I have been councilled out, and I've never been so sorted in my life, to be able to look at someone who 'floats my boat' and not feel the cynicism, to not see an abuser in there actions, is so liberating. Honestly hun, this abuser has had all he can from Dorothea, its time to fight back and beat him, dont let him continue to affect your life, you are not alone, and you can beat the ghosts in your mind, you just need to make the decisions to let it go.

If you'd like more advice, or to hear how i became a 'ghost buster' feel free to contact me.

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A female reader, heartbreaks Bahrain +, writes (8 September 2010):

if he cant love u for who u are then he is not the one for u want a guy how wil listen to u and respect you

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A reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2010):

i agree with the poster above. If a guy can't handle a piece of your past as intimate and profound as this- as sorrowful as it was- he is most likely not ready to delve deeper into this relationship.

Then again, as distance makes things harder, he might be taking sometime to think this over. So give him some time for introspection, and yourself the same, and tread carefully.

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A female reader, OhGetReal United States +, writes (8 September 2010):

OhGetReal agony auntYou feel you treated him badly by telling him something intimate and personal about yourself? Wow, self esteem much? I think perhaps you are reading into his emails, if you want to know what he thinks about your revelation, then ask him.

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