A
female
age
30-35,
*renda320
writes:my boyfriend and i been together for almost two years. we have had our trouble, both making big mistakes. things i wish i could take back. but he told me that he has forgave me. lately there been stuff going on with him and he is pushing me away. he says that he is going threw a kind of meltdown but he cant tell me what it is because he cant tell himself. we went to seek help and the person told him that he needed to find himself and do his own thing. now he says that he dont know if he wants to be with me. he still says i love you but we have not been talking as much. i been trying to give him his space. im breaking down crying myself. he is my first love and he was the first person i ever had sex with. i want to marry him one day. so im so lost because we havent talked about a break up before and this happened on sunday and today is friday. i dont know what to do. i dont want him to leave. i thought we love each other enough not to give up on each other.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2013): I have experienced what you experienced but from a male prospective. We both have really done nothing really bad but we have gotten the short end of the stick and it is going to be hard to come back. What do I do? Try to work through the pain and take one positive life lesson from your troubled relationship and try not to make it again. I learned that there is a difference between loving someone and having sex with someone. I also learned that a relationship is a giving and taking between two consenting individuals. Taken what you have learned and move forward and this time guard your heart more carefully. That is what exactly I am going to do.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2013): please don't take this the wrong way, I mean it in a sincere and nice way, but your post was rather stating the obvious when you said you are inexperienced, its your first love and only person you slept with. From the things you say its clear that you have had a "idealistic" view of relationships and felt you would meet a guy who would be your first love, the only mad you made love to and the two of you would spend the rest of your lives together. If that was the case then im afraid you have been naive ;-)Life just doesn't work like that and trying to crowbar your BF into spending the rest of his life with you to fulfil a naïve, idealistic view of love is unrealistic and will only end in torment and hatred. This guy clearly wants to move on but at the same time is guilt because he knows how much it will hurt you. Thats no way to keep a relationship going.I don't think, from reading between the lines, that the issue is so much of that of losing your BF. I think the real hurt you feel is the loss of the idealistic view that you would grow up, meet a man you fell in love with and spend the rest of your life with your first, one and only love. Im afraid you can only put it down to experience and move on :-) Don't think of this as a bad thing but rather a learning experience (I know its hard) where you have become wiser, more mature and experienced. Good luck.Markymark
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2013): What does it take to come to terms when a relationship has run its course? Please don't wait to hate each other to separate and move on with your lives. Move on and find your independence.It's sad when a woman builds her life around a failing relationship with hopes by some miracle a guy will come around and marry her. You were told he wants to move on and you still cling to the hopeless notion there's marriage in the future. Please read your own post. You can love a person and not want to marry him or her.Co-dependency and complacency makes it harder over time to break up. The fear of being "alone" and having to start over is the only reason you cling to a dead or dying relationship.Women are too smart, educated, independent, and strong these days. It's almost annoying to find a whiny woman hanging on to a dead-end relationship holding out for "marriage." The worst part is when the guy in the relationship isn't even remotely on the same page. If you have to drag a guy into matrimony, you'll soon be kicking him out! Grow a pair dear and find your happiness.Time for a pow wow with your girlfriends, your mom, sisters, or your closest gay-male friend, to decide what you're going to do. You're a woman not a little girl.Separate and see how things go. If he wants to marry you, he'll do whatever it takes to keep you. My guess is he'll start dating as soon as you let go. HE ISN'T HAPPY AND HE'S TIRED OF BEING IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH YOU. Please accept this reality. He's probably hanging on for your sake, and totally miserable. He's letting you down easy. Tears are not enough to fix your relationship. Who wants pity as a substitute for love?Accept the fact that its over, and seek solace and support from those you hold closest to you. Cry it out, but you'll get over it in time.
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female
reader, llifton +, writes (23 March 2013):
 hi there.
so what kind of a meltdown is he having? i'm confused with what he's saying is going on with him. i guess i just don't really understand what's causing him to suddenly not be able to be with you.
the only thing you really can do is just respect what he says. if he says he needs a bit of space, then you have to give it to him. what other option do you have?
however, if he is keeping you in the dark and stringing you along, you will need to cut ties, no matter how much it hurts, because you can't keep holding on to a man who won't be with you.
a bit more information would help me to give you better advice.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2013): Maybe you should give him space in terms of asking/ questioning him what is wrong. He hasn't left yet, has he? You could try to make your time with him light and positive. Go eat, go do something fun, watch a movie he will like. Just try to relax and show him the girl that he fell in love with. Don't smother him, but act happy and positive. Crying and pushing him into talking isn't going to help right now. I know you are desperate to figure out why he is acting cold, and if he wants to break up: but constantly reminding him about it probably will not help. He will shut down even faster. That being said- I am not suggesting that you try and pretend it all away. Try and have a good few days and if you have an opportunity when he seems to be in a good mood- ask him how he is feeling, if he is feeling any better. See if he will open up a little. Don't panic yet: this might pass. He may be feeling uncertain, for many reasons. It seems like whoever you spoke with really got in his head and got him thinking. Try to relax and not push him for a decision (because it may be one you don't like). Give it some time and let's see in a week or two if anything changes.
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