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female
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*ostar37
writes: Please help!I have been going out with my bf for 16 months. He lives around 85 miles away and so it has been a long distance thing which I have been tried to solve ever since I started with him. He is 27, I am 24 and we both still live with our parents. Recently, I got a job nearer to him (but still 40 miles away). This meant that I would have to leave my family for my new job and so recently I started putting pressure on him to move out of his mums and move in with me into a rented flat. He came up with lots of things why he did want to live with me - leaving his mum, he hasnt got a job, didn't want to pay for someone elses mortgage, etc. He then suggested living with him and his mum. But I didn't want that as I firstly didn't want to travel 80 miles a day and also because I wanted it to be just us for once. You see, I am very much the settled type - desperate to settle down, marriage, kids and live happily ever after. He however doesn't know if he wants marriage, kids and we have never really made any plans for our future together. This has left me feeling very very insecure for a very long time about where we were going in life.It soon became apparent that if I got a flat near to where I work however, I would hardly see him. Crying my eyes out, I told him I didn't want to live on my own as this wasn't what I wanted. He then said that we need to decide whether we are the right people for each other and I haven't seen him since. We used to chat to each other every night on the phone, but for a whole week I have heard nothing. However, I buckled today and texted him and asked him what was going on. He said he didn't know, but he was missing me. I texted back and said I missed him too and that's the last thing I have heard. I thought he would ring tonight but he hasn't. Can anyone give me some advice on what to do? I love him very much but after several sleepless nights, I don't know if it is him or me that is being selfish. Please help me, I feel like my head is going to explode with all of these thoughts. I am thinking of not taking the job because of this.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2006): It sounds like this guy is not ready for a real commitment. Not only is he not ready to settle down, he isn't even ready to leave Mommy's house! It is an insult to you and your relationship that he would suggest you go live with him and his mother. You are not being the selfish one here. Although he is three years older, you need someone a little more mature. Someone who is ready for a real, grown-up relationship. You said that you're desperate to settle down. That's fine, just don't be so desperate that you end up dissatisfied with a mama's boy, a loser, or a complete jerk. You owe it to yourself to at least settle down happily. You ought to give your little boy the old heave-ho and focus on yourself and your life right now. When you get yourself in place, you'll be more inviting to a handsome stranger. I hope everything works out okay for you in the end. I wish you the best of luck. Stay strong!
~RJGirl
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