A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Morning folks I would like your opinion on my relationship. I live with my partner who is ten years younger than me. we live on boat and I know space is limited, I am quite a religious person all I am allowed is one small crucifix he says he doesnot like anything religiious it makes him feel funny. He does not like how I dress ( I am quite a hippy but I am smart with it). I love cooking he says he will do the cooking because I make a mess. I am a nurse i come in from work take a shower and put on my pyjamas ( He says wearing PJs so early is not right) I sometimes fall asleep about 7:30 I get tired i live far from work and My journey is three hour round trip. He doesnot want me to have the vaccine in case it kills me, ( im having it soon but not telling him) He says he is not controlling, what do you think. I dont know what to think anymore. I am 56 he is 46. He is very obsesive compulsive which i understand he wont let me clean he has to do everything and its beginning to wear me down. If i stand u for myself I get the silent treatment or he walks out in a temper. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2021): Break up now.You are a nurse ....You make good money.. You do not have to take abuse so why do you???He is not a great guy but an abuser and dear believe me please when I say it will get worse..with all your training you know that.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2021): I didn't address the matter about the silent treatment, or his having a temper tantrum when you don't obey him.
The silent treatment is a form of passive-aggressive behavior. In order for it to be effective, your target has to have a sensitivity to being ignored. If he knows it gets to you, it becomes his favorite weapon of choice. Grow some immunity to it. Go about your business and enjoy the peace and quiet. He'll get tired of forcing himself to shut-up. It takes effort to make yourself choke back your words; especially when you're angry. If he has a temper problem that scares you, that's when you call the police. Aggressive behavior and temper problems are reasons to leave a person. Thinking you'll change somebody his age is wishful-thinking.
I know you're not going to leave him, and you probably won't use the advice given to you here; because you've established your role in the relationship as his submissive-subordinate.
You can't change him, but you can change yourself. You can also change your location and environment.
Everyone has a threshold and a saturation-point. When enough is enough, you'll put your foot down. If you're not married to him, and you're not financially dependent on him; then maybe it is time to dump this partner and his obsessive compulsive nonsense, and move on.
Our advice becomes useless words on your screen; unless you have the courage and nerve to implement it. Most people who are asking for advice already know what they must do; but they're hoping for some kind of magic formula, or some miraculous way to manipulate a situation to their advantage. If you don't have a backbone, you will always be somebody's doormat.
You believe in the Lord. Your faith is your advantage. Pray! Seek counsel from your source of ministry. God will give you an answer, and guide you. Provided you'll listen to Him. It will most likely be to get rid of this man. You didn't call him your husband. He'll give you time to decide; and if you won't, He will intervene and remove him for you. God doesn't like competing for our affections or our obedience. He blesses and rewards us for obedience, unlike your partner. God is our Divine Creator. He resents when we cater to the worldly pressures and desires of unbelievers; when they mean to separate us from our faith, or persecute us for our beliefs. If you are a woman of faith and he is an unbeliever, you are unequally yoked. Thus, he feels right to control you.
2 Corinthians 6: 14__
"14 Do not be unequally yoked together with unbelievers. For what fellowship has righteousness with unrighteousness? What communion has light with darkness?"
You don't need a bunch of crosses and religious artifacts to serve God. You do need to be picky about whom you choose as your mate; and nobody should have any control over how you live, dress, or serve your God!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2021): I think anyone reading your post in a relationship or marriage would be able to relate to your situation. Every partnership has their specific quirks and peeves. Some things you'll adapt to, or you'll try to compromise on; and some things you simply won't put-up with.
If you feel he's being too critical or intrusive in certain areas, tell him so. You don't have to yield to his every demand or bow to his every command. People go as far as you allow them to. You're not a child. Of course you feel worn down; because you won't ask him to stop telling you what to do.
If he has opinions, he is entitled to express them. Just as you are. How you respond to his comments and suggestions is entirely up to you. If you're timid or submissive, I guess he is controlling. Especially, if you feel compelled to obey or jump when he says to jump. Use your words. Communicate with your partner. Tell him when he's overstepping or getting on your nerves. You can even learn to just ignore him.
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A
male
reader, kenny + ♥, writes (25 February 2021):
 I would say he sounds quite controlling, and wants things his way, if its not his way then the silent treatment comes in, or throws his toys out of the pram and storms off. Unless things change soon, is this the relationship you want in the years to come?.
Yes the cleanliness, and the not making a mess are both common forms of OCD. Also things like when you have been shopping a pack of beans, or tins of tuna, having the labels all facing the front, but i suppose this could also be classed as just being neat and tidy.
I feel he is taking a step further and controlling what you wear. He must have known you dress like this in the beginning so its not news to him. Its up to you what you want to wear and nothing to do with him.
Telling you he does not like your cross, again this is controlling.
If you want to wear your PJ's all day that's up to you, you work hard as a nurse all week enduring long journey's with it. So if you want to kick back in your PJ's then do so.
I think making a relationship work is about working together, taking the rough with the smooth, and accepting the fact that no one is perfect and we all have our quirks and funny ways.
He has got to accept you for what you are, stop being so controlling, because i think that is what he is, controlling. Making you look inadequate by not trusting you to cook and clean.
I think if things don't change, then you may have to consider if this relationship is really for you, and contemplate ending things.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2021): I wonder what it is about this relationship that makes you stick to this way of life?
After all, you are a nurse and must be earning enough money to at least rent a room in the community near the place you work.
Your life would become so much easier.
Travel would be less and you could rest as you needed, wearing what you wanted.
Obsessive/Compulsive disorder is very difficult to live with and I believe it stems from anxiety.
But it's not your fault this guy has OCD and it's not up to you to heal him or to live within the constraints of his illness.
Personally I would just move on without his permission or knowledge.
You have very little personal effects with you so it should be remarkably easy.
I wonder how many people are aware of your home circumstances.
In effect you could technically be off the map.
Never seen.
No sign of.
Out of sight out of mind.
The only person who can change this is yourself.
I feel he is slowly erasing you from his life and I wouldn't want to think you ended up over board in freezing water because his temper got the better of him.
But you are of great value to the community in which you are a nurse and you should find that you will soon settle comfortably into a different living arrangement.
Of course he is being controlling but don't expect him to acknowledge or admit it.
He must find the help he needs with OCD!
If you fear for his safety after you've gone you could always send the police to check on him.
But I think he is fine in his own world.
It is yourself that I am slightly more worried about!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2021): Do you live on a boat through choice or is it because of lack of other affordable housing? Can you get you own boat? I researched this a little when I was tying to figure out how to live in London at an affordable rate so I know that, once you've bought the boat, the main costs can be mooring fees - unless you are lucky enough to buy a boat with a permanent licence. I imagine on a nurse's salary then this may be just about do-able.
However, I think you are definitely describing co-ercive control. Who is your local council? Are you on their housing list? If not, I'd suggest get on it ASAP. NOT allowing you to have the vaccine is a very serious issue and possibly a criminal offence. Keep a record, somewhere, somehow, of everything he does that is even remotely controlling - you will need this if you want to apply for housing and / or help from officials if his behaviour gets out of control to the extent of becoming more obviously violent. See an official now who can advise you - you are a nurse so perhaps ask to see a priest or go to the police for advice, or to Women's Aid. The situation you describe is not right at all.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (25 February 2021):
 I think your partner is VERY set in his ways. Which quite common for people with OCD.
It's part of how MANY of us make things work. By having schedules, rules and wanting/liking things "just so". Doesn't mean it's not controlling to those around us. I have OCD and I'm VERY aware of not "infringing" MY rituals/rules on those around me - though at times I fail. I really don't like clutter, everyone else in the house make clutter and don't notice it. Like, taking their shoes off and just dropping them wherever, or socks, not putting dirty plated out in the dishwasher or by the sink, turning off lights, putting a new roll of toilet paper in when having used the last paper, towels to be folded just so, stacked in the closet just so... I could go on. It's little things for most people. It is anxiety for me. I like things "just so". When things are in order and "under my control" so to speak, I feel calmer.
It's hard to explain.
You two live in a VERY small space. But it seems like it's HIS space and you are a guest. Not an equal.
He doesn't like crosses. Many people don't. He still was OK with you having ONE up. 1.
He feels like you make a mess when cooking - well ARE you? My husband rarely cooks, but when he does the kitchen is a MESS. I know this, I accept this. Even though I don't enjoy this.
There are days I get up in the morning, shower THEN put on another clean PJ and stay IN my PJ all day. Specially the days I know I don't have to leave the house. I don't care. Though I would NOT leave the house in PJs, ever. So it is up to you whether you want to adhere to his notion that PJ's are only for sleeping.
He doesn't want you to get the vaccine. That isn't being controlling. That is him being worried for you. However, you are a WHOLE grown up person who CAN make her own choices there.
When you say that it is all wearing you down, then I would surmise that the good doesn't outweigh the bad in this relationship for you. That your relationship ha run it's course.
Silent treatment is rarely a good way to deal with issues, neither is walking out, UNLESS he is walking out to de-escalate an argument.
It seems like it is HIS wat or the highway. Which is yours?
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