A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have been seeing this guy about three months, in the beginning he came on quite strong, telling me he wanted to take care of me...etc...pursued me. We knew each other about four years, he got out of a terrible breakup last year...and finally the two of us connected. All of this was his doing. I liked him alot years ago...and even passed along my number but he didn't call, as it turns out was dating someone else. He is a wonderful person, son, friend and lover. In every way a man. Here is my dilemma. He is 45, as the first month wore on, he told me he wasn't ready for a relationship...but if we could continue the way we were going for now day by day. I agreed and said if I had a problem with that I would let him know..However, I let it be known exactly how I felt, and told him he knew where I was and how to find me. I never call him or pursue him, but am always available to him at any time/moment for fun, company. He called me a few times in this period..but we don't normally talk or speak on a daily basis. As we live in close proximity it is a convenience thing when we see one another...the other thing is that he lives with his parents again, and they are my friends too. They even seem frustrated that we are at a checkmate in this relationship scenario...and would like to see things progress from the casual thing it has become.I have cooled off...and wait for him..not wanting to push, and remind myself..that a real man afterall would come find me..and grab what he rightfully wants and needs...Many times, he comes home extremely late from work and will fall asleep in a chair..he works weekends too....no time for himself or me for that matter except what we have been doing. I know there isn't anyone but me..but yet, we haven't been a couple..and he still referes to me as a friend. What do you think? Should I continue on...or carry on with my life? I think the guy has everything and we have amazing times together..just not sure if he is using the not ready thing as an excuse for a casual affair or not...
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female
reader, Sugarbuns  +, writes (27 September 2007):
 I think he's still dealing with the break up of his last relationship and has not worked through that grief/pain just yet. He seems to be throwing himself into work as a way of warding off depression which I think he's battling. He enjoys having you there, but doesn't want you to be the "rebound" girl either, so he's keeping you at arms distance because I really don't think he's emotionally ready for another romantic relationship. My b/f went through a horrible break up with his last g/f and it took him 2 years to even get to a point in his mind, where he wanted to be with someone else. Luckily, I came along at that 2 yr. mark but even then, I could tell he was keeping me at a distance for the first year we were romantically involved, so in reality it took him 3 years to get over her. This could be the case with your man. I'm also not sure why a 45-yr.old man would need to move back in with his parents but that can't make him too proud of himself either. So I think you have two choices here. Wait it out and allow him the time to get over his ex, or move on and start seeing other men, knowing he may just write you off completely. If he's a keeper, and you truly care about him, I'd wait it out. What have you got to lose?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2007): I think you need to ask him outright if he's really looking for a relationship with you sometime, or if he just wants to be friends.
If the former, tell him he'd better get a move on because you've got the rest of your life to live, with or without him, but you need a decision from him pretty soon or you'll make the decision for him. Or you could get his parents to pass on the message in whatever way they choose.
Perhaps it was the challenge of the pursuit which was the most exciting part for him, now that's over and done with he's cooled off. Men are strange animals sometimes . . . !
Phil
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