A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I googled this topic recently when I started to have strong feelings for my therapist recently. I read all about transference and many other cases where patients have felt these strong feelings toward their therapist so I know it's not uncommon. I am also very familiar with the code of ethics that therapists should follow.I've seen my therapist off and on for 3 years but it was only during a recent crisis that I started to think of her differently. . .i.e. having a friendship with her and even sexual fantasies. During this particular period I needed her more than usual and she was the only support I had.I am a lesbian so it's only natural that I would attach myself to someone so supportive and nuturing. I realize that it's more than likely just transference but it bothers me that I can't quit thinking about her in a non-professional way. She says she is straight but yet she has never even been close to married and works mainly as an advocate for women and children's issues. She seems to work a lot and doesn't seem to agressively date really from what I can tell. She is probably in her late 40's and when I asked her if she ever wanted to ever get married she said yes but that she just hasn't found the right person. In the last few months we have gone from 1 session a week to 2 plus phone chats and texting. She even gave me the phone number to where she could be reached on her vacation just in case I needed her. She has loaned me several of her books and gives me a hug after every session. I look forward to our embraces because they are so comforting. She isn't afraid to hold me tight and sometimes I even lay my head on her shoulder while she rubs my back (not in a sexual way at all but like a "there, there, it's going to be alright" kind of motion). I was so happy the first time she asked me if I wanted a hug at the end of an intense session. One can feel so vulnerable after pouring out their heart and yearn to be comforted. But being that I'm gay I guess I never really expected the level of intimacy that she showed me and in such a professional setting. Of course all of this just fuels my false hopes of a romantic relationship actually becoming a reality. I am embarrassed and uncomfortable at the very thought of bringing up my feelings for her in our sessions, whether real or imagined. I don't want her to feel awkward or like she brought this on by her generous care. However, she is very smart and a great therapist so she probably already knows that I am struggling with my feelings for her. Even so, I am scared of what will happen and can't afford to lose her as my therapist because she is still currently the only support I have. So, I question whether to raise this issue at all or just supress it. I really probably need to be focused on the reason I came to her in the first place and not this distraction.Also, I just can't help but wonder if there could be a future relationship here after therapy. I would be totally content with a friendship. I would never cross any set boundries. She actually lives a block away from me and we have a great connection. Are therapist allowed to be friends with former clients? Is this addressed in their code of ethics? Where can I actually read their code of ethics referring to client relationships and the boundries that should be in place? Is my therapist giving me signals that she cares for me? I know she has too much to lose if she were to initiate something with me that could be considered a violation of the code of ethics.This really messes with my head! Driving me nuts! If you've read this far then I thank you! I would appreciate any advice or comment that may give me some insight here.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to everyone who has responded so far. My thoughts are still driving me crazy and I haven't told her about my feelings yet. I plan to though because it's a huge distraction and I just can't keep these intense emotions to myself.
I asked her in an e-mail this past week if she had ever had a client experience transference and she said that once a girl wished that she was her mother. I then asked that if this were to happen between her and a client would she have to drop them. She said no and that transference can be used to an advantage in that case.
So now I feel safe telling her knowing that she won't abandon me. I wouldn't want to have to find a new therapist and start all over. That's a lot of work and it's hard to find a therapist that one can connect with. In the middle of this crisis I'm going thru that's the last thing I want to be doing. I don't have time or patience to go therapist shopping right now.
I really just want the feelings for her to stop because I feel them so strongly that it's painful. But I know when I disclose this to her she will possibly be uncomfortable. I hate to push her away with this information but I can't help how I feel.
My head tells me that I'm being ridiculous but my heart feels so much love for her and tries to convince me that love is possible. Does one follow their heart or their head?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2010): The reason a therapist/patient relationship would never work is because of the POWER IMBALANCE. She knows this, and now you know this. By continuing your relationship like this you're only going to set yourself up for disappointment the more you get attached to her.
My advice is to stop texting and acting like friends outside of your sessions. No more hugging. You need to establish boundaries (or rather she should have!) She's your therapist not your friend or lover, and that's what matters. So everything else unrelated to your sessions need to stop.
Otherwise find a new therapist.
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A
female
reader, Oregongrl1 +, writes (28 August 2010):
I think you said it all in a nut shell that you are at your trying time and she has been their for you! and you could possibly take it the wrong way in your mind! i would see another therapist! because you could easily be confusing things and then see if you feel the same way. and i don't understand how she is helping you or doing her job! and how you can pay attention in getting yourself help if you are now having fantasies of her??
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A
female
reader, OhGetReal +, writes (28 August 2010):
 She wouldn't be a very good therapist if she wasn't able to get that transference out of you, and the fact that you are going more frequently to therapy does not mean that she feels romantically attracted or sexually attracted to you...and she's made it clear that she is a straight female. Of course she cares about you very much and you are fortunate to have a therapist who does care about you and wants to see you get better.
You most definately should be open with her about this, that is what you do in therapy, be open, if you can't with her, who can you be? I think she really needs to help you through this.
And she can also answer your questions accurately about being friends once therapy is over. Therapy will be over when both you and she decides that it is.
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A
male
reader, TimmD +, writes (27 August 2010):
 I suggest bringing it up to her. Clearly you understand why you feel this way, but it's not stopping you from having those feelings. Her knowing this will allow her to be more conscious of the subtle things she does in attempt to not lead you on in any way. Giving her the chance to show you she does not have feelings for you is the best way for you to start to get over your feelings.
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