A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I really want to trust my husband because I am tired of being paranoid and untrusting. But I don't know how to get rid of the anxiety and thoughts in my head. He hasn't done anything to warrant it, but I was bullied for 10 years as a child, maybe because of this, I don't trust anyone. I look after myself because I believe nobody else will. But I do suffer with paranoid thoughts and reckon that people don't like me and that I'm not good enough. But I'm just so tired of being this way. I don't leave the house because I'm paranoid that if I leave my husband alone in the house then something will happen, like he'll get get bored and go looking for another woman on the Internet.Ridiculous stuff like that. But you can see how not leaving the house maybe affecting my quality of life. I'm just stuck... I wish I could trust people as its quite lonely, as well as unfair to my husband.Any thoughts?
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  + ♥, writes (14 September 2021):
 This is a prime example of what is meant by "if you don't heal what hurt you, you will bleed on those who did not cut you."
It is very sad that you were bullied as a child. That must have made you feel quite helpless and insecure. However, you are no longer that child. You are now a strong woman, who has learned to look after herself - physically at least; mentally not so much.
Sadly relationships do break down. Of course they do. It is a sad fact of life. However, not allowing your husband out of your sight is NOT the answer. You already hate the person you have become. However, you are no longer that helpless young girl who got cruelly bullied. You are now capable of learning to control your thoughts instead of allowing them to control you. When paranoid thoughts pop into your head, do not allow them head space. Evict them and replace them with happy thoughts and memories of things you have shared with your husband which have made you feel good about yourself. Find things to interest you so you are not focused solely on your husband. Make friends so you can have time away from your husband. Work on making your marriage as strong as possible so you feel more secure in it.
If all else fails. seek professional help to find the woman you really are underneath all that fear and paranoia. You know she is there.
Sending hugs and wishing you all the best.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2021): Typo corrections:
"Even if, God forbid, it does; it's not the end of [the] world."
"It's not always that you can't, [it's] that you don't want to; because you so badly want to have control over everything."
E.g. you don't like to go out; because you'll encounter attractive-women you fear might catch his eye. Thereby making him want other women.
Your jealousy, insecurity, and low opinion of yourself clouds your ability to see that his eyes can see other pretty-females; and it will have no affect on how he loves you. If you feel you aren't after other men, and capable of deflecting their advances, why can't it be true he's not after other women? He is not just a mindless-penis who can't make reasonable distinctions; or can't control himself, like he's some wild beast around a female in heat! You can't monitor his every move or thought!
The consistency of your time spent together in marriage, and his faithfulness thus far; seems to account for nothing! You're trying to conduct a full-fledged committed-relationship without even a modicum of trust. It'll never happen. You can go to therapy until your eyeballs pop-out, or your head falls-off; but you'll still have to practice some "self-control." You'll have to trust somebody, until you can't.
Pills can't turn you into a trusting wife. A therapist can't convince who really loves you. You have to trust and take risks; and reach such conclusions on your own. There are no guarantees in life. It's only certain that if we're born, we'll die someday. If he treats you well, and sticks by you through thick and thin. It's a pretty good chance he'll continue to do that. Unless you find a way to mess it up! Fearing "what he might do; rather than, what he has actually done!!!"
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2021): Some women see their husbands or boyfriends as a lifeline, or a savior. Almost as if he's the center of their universe. All their happiness and existence revolves around one man. His presence is worshiped, rivaling the more proper love we should have for God Almighty Himself! God is a jealous God, He doesn't appreciate playing second-fiddle to mere mortals who will deceive us, lie to us, hurt us, or could even kill us. Keep that kind of love for Him, and only Him. Love mankind with reason; allowing for our faults. Keeping forgiveness on-hand when things should fail.
Some women feel they'd lose everything, if they've lost that man! That man's validation is like the very air they breathe. That's not love, and it isn't healthy. It's no wonder life becomes miserable when you fear someone always wants him, or he wants somebody else. This behavior, left untreated, will drive him away before you'll ever develop inner-peace and security. You cannot live without trust! Distrust is going to overcome you; and you will lose all self-control. Not because you're so upset; but because you reach a point you don't want to behave or control yourself. You're miserable, and won't be happy until you've made him miserable too! That's on you, not him!
It's time to see a therapist, and get to the bottom of this. There is no-way either of you lives in peace. Your thoughts and fears have to manifest in some form of projected behavior; there's no-way you're keeping it all to yourself. Like so many OP's who've written DC about this; I suspect you're spying on his devices, suspicious of every woman he looks at, and you can't enjoy being out together for fear he's looking at other women. Please don't be too quick to use childhood-experiences as always the excuse. We all are subjected to bullying, teasing, and the inadvertent discomforts that comes with the challenges and obstacles of life. Trouble comes and bad-people will affect us all our lives. You still have to live in some peace and reasonable tranquility. You have to see life beyond what others can offer you. You are an individual, with your own mind, body, and soul. News flash! Even if he cheated, the odds are pretty high in your favor that you will survive; and could even find someone else to replace him.
In Christianity, we know that God placed a need for "worship and faith" in our human nature. People fulfill it with idols, other people, money, sports, material things, their dreams, and unfulfilled hopes. We can covet or want for something or someone so badly, it nearly drives us insane. Once we have it, for some reason we still aren't happy. Why? That's because God created that "need" and "desire" for Himself; and nobody and nothing can take His place. For the unbeliever, this is all nonsense; for the true-believer, God opens this revelation through Jesus. Otherwise, you'll always seek that which is missing; and you'll only find that other people leave us longing for something we can't explain. Even wealth and fame can't fill that void in us. Feed your spirit with the only One...God...who is capable of filling it. This is the Christian and spiritual response to your post. Your post has many possible answers to it. Be open-minded and consider all answers. You have every right to reject or ignore any response you wish!
Human beings all have limitations and weaknesses. If we all worried about what others/we are capable of; we'd never have a moment's peace. You are just as capable of cheating on him, or breaking his heart. Spending far too much time mischaracterizing and placing others in a bad-light, often reflects more on ourselves than those we suspect or accuse. Hence, you are apt to sabotage your marriage; because anxiety seeks its reward. Your mind suffers upon a thought or suspicion; until it is gratified with what it fears to be the worst that could possibly happen. Self-fulfilling prophesy then creates for your anxieties all the things you fear in your "imagination." It's not the reality you're upset about. It's the possibility or probability.
That's such a waste of energy. Love and trust are tainted or killed by it. It's an awful experience to be devoted to someone who doesn't trust you, or believe you really love them. It must be hell for both involved. Thank God, He has spared me so far! No-one is totally immune to it; it could happen to me too! I ain't so high and mighty and above it. I have to pray everyday to keep it together! We can't allow our anxieties, cynicism, and pessimism to get the better of us. The devil lives and thrives on stealing our joy. Destroying our relationships, creating upheaval, or causing chaos. You do love your husband, but you are not expressing love. You are feeling territorial and possessive of him; fearing he will share himself with (or offer his love to) someone other than you. You have very little to zero-evidence that will ever happen; but you feel sooner or later, he will. It is equally as probable that you will cheat or hurt him! "Let he who is without sin, cast the first stone."
Before you drive yourself into madness, and lock yourself into your own personal mental-prison, see a doctor! Be evaluated for depression and anxiety disorder. If you worship and have faith; also see your faith leadership for counseling and prayer. If your present therapy/therapies aren't working.
You may even need to earnestly share some of your feelings with your husband. To make him aware of how upset you're feeling; so he can understand some of the unexplained-behavior or reactions you could be exhibiting. If he has been with you a longtime, he can see whatever is "off" about you. He might ignore, or try to dismiss them; because he's used to your ways, but some bad-behavior cannot and will not be ignored. Get help before things come to that point in your marriage.
Maybe it's well past the time for help; yet you still need and deserve to enjoy a better quality of life. We are all human; and capable of making mistakes. Our feelings and emotions sometimes will get the better of us. You can't be prepared to totally lose-it; if human-weakness takes place in your marriage. Even if, God forbid, it does; it's not the end of world. Don't cross that bridge until you get to it. Don't allow anxiety to force you to suffer pain for what is not yet, or may never will be, the reality. It's not always that you can't, it that you don't want to; because you so badly want to have control over everything. Well, God didn't make humans to control each-other's minds and spirits. He won't even force Himself on us! He allows us to seek and accept Him of our own freewill. He won't turn anybody away, if we want Him. It's wonderful!
May God help you to find peace and comfort. May He help you to overcome any darkness that attempts to steal the love and tranquility from your marriage. You deserve what you have, and God will see that you will not lose it. If weakness or any misfortune should befall your union, may Almighty God give you both the strength to overcome it. Peace be with you, my dear!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (12 September 2021):
 Sounds like you could use some therapy OP I'd suggest some CBT, it's a short-term therapy and you CAN do it over zoom, so you don't HAVE to leave your house.
You need to unpack your past so you can deal with it and put it away. So YOU can live and love.
It's not fair to your husband. He didn't bully you. I know you KNOW this, but old wounds don't just go away by themselves. They usually need a hand.
I would also suggest you find something you ENJOY doing. Like gardening, hiking, knitting, or whichever. Find JOY in your life.
If you stay at home all the time you are always "alone" with your thoughts and that makes it hard for you to NOT think about things.
Maybe you and your husband can go for some walks together? Get out and get some exercise and fresh air.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2021): You need to regularly consult with a qualified, experienced, knowledgeable, supportive and understanding therapist who helps people with these issues all of the time. You can do this online if you cannot leave the house now. If you continue as you are your husband will get totally sick of it and end the marriage. They are your two choices. If you love your husband then do this for him, even if you hate the idea. He is suffering through something which is not his fault. You worry husband will get bored and look for other women, but he will get bored and look for other women if you do not trust him and are nit picking or suspicious with him!
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