A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Help! I have been dating my boyfriend for 5 months. We are deeply in love but have a few minor setbacks. Our relationship for the most part is amazing. I have been really grouchy lately and I have also been sick and have a rash all over my body. I just don't feel well. I have been trying to not take it out on him. I was just given a steroid shot called Kenelog. I started getting really moody, stressed, sick, hands swelling, cloudy brain and I had a severe panic attack after a mild fight we had. He was not around for that. I have never had a panic attack before and I thought I was going to die. I could not breathe and my chest was going to explode. I felt like I was suffocating. Long story short... I had my mom drive me to the ER and I sat outside while her friend who is a nurse talked me through the breathing. I ended up settling down and coming back home. My boyfriend was with his friends so he didnt answer any of my text or calls about my emergency. When he finally did he didn't even ask if I was okay and later told me he thought I was faking. I have no idea why he would have thought this. Turns out I am having terrible side effects from the shot. My feelings are very hurt. Not to mention at one point he said he would be at my house in 20 mins and two hours later after him not responding to any calls or texts I was really starting to worry. I was concerned he had was in an accident or that maybe he had been drinking and pulled over.. who knows. I just felt like 20mins turning into two hours of hearing nothing was alarming. So I got in my car even though I shouldnt have been driving and showed up to his house. His car was there. I went to the back door and knocked. He didn't let me in. He wanted to know what I was doing. I stood there shaking I was so upset that he ignored me like that. He pushed me emotional to a breaking point and I punched him in the face. I am sure it hurt. I came right back and apologized and he let me in. Basically he felt that I was being controlling knowing he was with his friends and wanting him to be with me. He also felt that I was faking because he has had women fake similar things before and that he had been drinking and wasn't able to drive anyway. I do not understand why he ignored me. Even if we were having a spat... and then when he finally did answer me he said 20 mins and it ended up he was never coming or telling me he wasn't coming. I am very hurt by all of this. Worse than all of that. I cannot forgive myself for punching him. I have never hit a man before. I am sick to my stomach over my reaction. I can't stop feeling so down about it because I would never want to see him hurt. Let alone me be the one that hurt him. I don't think it is an action that I will repeat but I am simply disgusted with myself. He was upset about it but didn't make a big deal out of it. I ended up crying myself asleep in his arms. We are working things out today on the issues we were having. 1. How can I apologize for hitting him? I feel like saying I am sorry is just ridiculous and if he had hit me I would have left him. 2. I am very hurt by his behavior. Most of the time he is a loving boyfriend. When get into an argument though.. he completely checks out if he is mad. Leaving me a sobbing mess because I love him and don't want to fight. We always go back to loving each other after I go to him and make amends. I am hurt that when we have an argument we could go days without him contacting me. I have to be the one to contact him.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2010): I take exception to the first answer on this question "i cant help but think if that were me... id hit him again."
Would it be ok to say that to a man who had just hit his nagging bitchy gf? So why would you say it to this person? Its ok to hit men? Are you a misandrist? I wouldn't be surprised if my answer doesn't get published.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2010): Having a selfish uncaring boyfriend does not excuse your use of violence. If I were advising your bf I would tell him to get out of the relationship and cut off all contact with you. For you, I don't have any advice.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (15 October 2010):
 I only partially agree with Cgrlygo.
I agree that your bf sounds very self-centered and uncaring, how can he just assume that when you ended up at the ER you were faking or it was not a big deal, for all he knew it could have been something lethal !
And the 20 minutes turning into 2 hours is the height of rude, if he knew he was not coming he should have at least called you or texted you back : Sorry ,can't come right now.
But, to me personally, physical violence is the ultimate no-no. You don't punch people, period. Not even on steroids, not even if you are drunk, not even if they richly deserve it. If something like this happens, -game over.
The fact that your boyfriend did not take it this way is not even reassuring or comforting to me. It means he sees as normal or acceptable settling differences this way , when it's not.
Sadly, I'd say this relationship can't - and shouldn't- go on for long time. He does not really care about your emotional needs, and , unluckily, he also brings out the worst in you, pushing your buttons in a way that makes you act against your best judgement.
It's simply not a match made in Heaven.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2010): I know this will sound politically incorrect, and actually illegal but... Sometimes when normal, non-violent people are pushed to extreme emotional limits: they resort to violence.
It is a sad, sad fact of life. Anyone who regularly hits, or uses violence to solve problems, is an abuser. There is a difference between a mistake and what is called: a pattern of abuse.
When people are sick, drunk, medicated, they are FAR more likely to act out violently. It's something to always be careful about. We are all capable of violence. Your boyfriend acted extremely cold. Then, given a chance to improve his reaction in light of your condition - he was super late and took on an attitude.
People need to respect other peoples limits. Don't ever back a person into a corner, because the most peaceful of souls can, and absolutely will, lash out.
1. Explain how the combination of things caused you to loose sight of yourself.
2. Explain how his careless actions, not calling when late, not believing you, resisting your needs led to serious trouble.
In truth, it sounds like he is not mature enough for a serious relationship. Many people have no clue how to act when their BF/GF is really sick. There is also the sexual frustration factor, for both of you when you have a rash.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2010): why are you saying sorry again?
you went to the hospital
you had an attack
you had an allergic reaction
your the one sorry?
he don't care about you! he cares about himself. he don't contact you because he don't care! he only contacts you when its convenient and when its no problem to him. Men who love you, don't do those things period! i will bet your mom is telling you to get away from him as well. Sit back read your letter and if you like being treated this way then sign up for a lifetime of it. He knew you werent kidding or playing.. he just plain didn't care. Even tho its wrong to hit someone.. i cant help but think if that were me... id hit him again.
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