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I need to tell my girlfriend I'm gay.

Tagged as: Dating, Gay relationships, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (9 July 2008) 5 Answers - (Newest, 2 August 2010)
A male United Kingdom age 22-25, anonymous writes:

Hello there,

I have been seeing my girlfriend for about a year and love her dearly but not in a sexual way.

Since i was about 12 i never had a sexual feeling towards girl. I've only ever see men attractive. After 8 years have decided to come out as a gay man.

My question is how do i break it to my girlfriend that I'm gay without hurting her to much.

OK, i know its wrong to be in a relationship even though ive had these feeling for a while but i've been hiding them and wishing them to be a "phase" but i just can go on.

I love my girlfriend dearly but i just cant go on pretending. Please help me break it to her gently and in a kind way.

Sorry for the length and thank you for listening.

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A male reader, Matthew 79 Australia +, writes (2 August 2010):

Well. So far all the other people have given you great advice. I don't think i can though. I'm a Gay guy in denial and i go from one girl to the next for cuddles. Trouble is they usually all fall in love with me. I couldn't possibly bring myself to have sex with a girl though. Don't end up like me dude. What i do is wrong i know. You do need to tell your girlfriend. The sooner the better. I have mates that are Gay or Bi who have girlfriends and wives and i hate the fact they are living a lie behind their backs. I will never have a relationship with a girl again but atleast one day if i can admit that i am gay atleast the girls will know that nothing sexual is going to happen with them. Until then i probably shouldn't even be cimbing into a bed with a girl but yeah ahh well. Good Luck.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2008):

You've quite a pickle in your hands.

Here's the deal, telling her you're gay is going to hurt her to some degree. But, it will be a lot different than iyou were ditching her for some skank you met at The Men's Club (titty bar in Dallas).

Explain to her that she has probably felt (they're freaking intuitive)that there has been something keeping you two from progressing in the relationship, to the degree she would expect.

Just tell you you are gay. You needn't go into any great deatail or name names. Let her know, that as perfect as she is; your aversion to (female) strip clubs has more to do with the fact that you are, in fact gay! Not prude, pious or Penecostal.

She may ask if you have been sleeping with any other men. My advice would be (if you have, lie your ass off) to say 'no', but it's something you've thought about since you were a wee tot.

You are going to end up getting this chick knocked up, and then your little secret will stayed buried for a long ass time. Screw that. Tell her you are gay, and that you don't want to hurt her, but feel you owe it to her.

Good luck. By the way, this is coming from a stright man (although Idid suck John Kleinpeter off in the 3rd grade).

Cory

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A female reader, PractiGal Australia +, writes (9 July 2008):

PractiGal agony auntI like where you've written that you "love [your] girlfriend dearly, but [you] just can't go on pretending". That's where you probably need to start in your conversation.

As one of the other answers has said, your girlfriend probably has a feeling about this already, so telling the truth about yourself may not be as dramatic as you fear. If you've never had sexual feelings toward a woman, then it seems unlikely that you two have been particularly sexual with each other and I think she'll either be wondering about whether you're gay or she'll be worrying that she's physically repellent! Wouldn't you rather she have the truth?

Do her a favour and tell her. Do it soon, because she deserves to find love with someone who's attracted to her. Try to pick a quiet, neutral time (she may want to get some time away from people when she gets the news) and be sure that she knows you DO care about her, but you can't change who you are. Don't make promises that you can't keep, by telling her it might just be a "phase" (you know you've always felt like this, right?), and don't try to lessen the impact by swearing that -- for example -- if you were straight, you'd think she was hot. The point is, try to imagine how you'd feel in her position: someone you love turns out not feel the way you hoped. You'd want them to be quick and kind about it.

Be direct and truthful and then take an emotional step back and let her respond. She's likely to be a little hurt, but she probably won't be all that surprised.

This has happened to me on a couple of occasions (it wasn't always OK to be out of the closet when I was younger and I was attracted to non-macho guys) and naturally I was stung, but I learned, just as your girlfriend will understand, that sexuality isn't a choice you make. She'll be OK as long as you don't string her along more than necessary.

Take care!

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A female reader, littlesuziepie  United States +, writes (9 July 2008):

littlesuziepie  agony auntHi. I think you are a better person for telling her the truth. It is wrong to lead someone on as you have but life is all about learning and growing so you have grown and realized you can not hide this or hide from this anymore. That's a great advancement for you. Do you think she has an idea of what you are about to tell her? She probably does. Its not exactly easy to pretend your sexually attracted to someone if you are not. She will just have to understand. You can not hide it any longer. Its not healthy for you and it is depriving her of having a real relationship with a man that is totally giving her all of him and not hiding a huge secret from her. If I were in her shoes I would be upset. What she thinks is real just isn't. But I would be so grateful for knowing the truth. Your sexuality is not something you can just turn on and off. Good luck with your coming out. I wish you well and be strong no matte what your fears may be. The truth is always the way to go.

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A female reader, centralbabe5678 United States +, writes (9 July 2008):

centralbabe5678 agony auntit will hurt her if you two are really serious,

but if she loves you then she will accept it, even though

it may take a while. you're just gonna need to sit her down face to face and tell her. be sweet about it though, dont make her feel like she's the reason you became gay.

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